Hello
Can anyone tell me how to let go of some of the trash talk that was feed to me while WH was in the so called fog? First let me say that my husband and I are back together and working on our marriage. We have been back and working at it for 4 months now. He seems to be totaly out of the fog and wants his family. I did a plan B on him and started on with my life without him. The OW did not seem like such a good choice when I he saw I could live without him. I took him back because 1)I made a vow. and 2)I love him.

But here is the thing I cant get the things out of my head that where said to me while the affair was going on.You know I havent been happy for a long time we have nothing in common you werent happy either lots of garbage. somthing else I feel he loved her in a way he never loved me. I see it in his eyes when the subject is brought up. I only have brought that up twice.

Counceling is not an option right now but we do attend church and that helps because we have a pastor who talks with us.I guess you could say that is our counceling. I guess what I am trying to say is sometimes I wonder if he is right! Was I that happy before? I thought I was! Can I get past all that garbage he feed me? I dont want to keep bringing up the bad he did I want to move forward this hurt has been going on now for 3 years! If my head would just stop the what if's. I feel like now that we are back together is this really what I want. Is this a normal stage?

LB

Your right to feel hurt by those WH words.

Though you have been here at MB long enough that what your WH said is nothing more than fog speak.

The drivel that comes out of their delusional minds and mouths because they are making up excuses to justify their affair.

LB, the Road is right...all those things your WH said to you while in the A was Fog-speak. Yes, it hurts! Yes, it sucks to remember those harsh words. Keep working with your pastor and talking to your husband.

Stay away from LBs (disrspectful judgements, angry outbursts, etc.) and just tell him how those words made you feel. I'm guessing he will say over and over again how sorry he was for saying horrible things.

It still hurts me deeply to read some of the e-mails my WW was sending to her friend. She talked about her marriage to me, her relationship with OM, etc. Kills me to read them. And the one e-mail to her OM where she remembers their "hook-up"

It's going to take time. REad SAA and follow Harley principles...and make new memories with your WH. Spend the 15-25 hours a week with him giving each other your undevided attention! Read the recovery threads and section of the SAA book. It has helped me greatly, even though my WW is still suffering from withdrawl. I can see the light at end of tunnel...and I'm walking towards it.

Be strong!

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. I know it was fog speak because of tnis website. I owe alot to this site!!!!!We are spending more time together and I can really see a change in him that I could not see in the past. I guess I just get down on things sometimes wondering if I made the right choice to make it work. I know my faith tells me I did but sometimes that old pride thing gets in the way.

lady_blue,

Glad you are back and working on your marriage.

I am a little confused by two of your statements...

One, your signature line says that he ended it on his own, however your post states that you had to go to Plan B before he would stop the affair...

The other thing is what in the world reason do you have to believe that a man in an OUT OF STATE AFFAIR that goes on and on about how great the OW was DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER??? :RollieEyes:

I dont't get the feeling that you are ANYWHERE close to finding out the TRUTH about the affair and THAT is what is stalling this recovery...

Your husband has NOT told you the truth...

You know it in your heart and so does he...

THAT is what is keeping you two from being able to move on.

When you can TRUST each other again is when the recovery will start...

One of the biggest truths on these boards is that recovery STARTS when the LAST LIE STOPS!!!

Talk to your husband and clean out the wound instead of just covering it up. It will hurt, it always does, but it must be done before you two can start to heal...

It took me YEARS to get to the bottom of it, and MAN did it hurt...

But that is when we were able to TALK to each other TRUTHFULLY and fell in love all over again.

God bless.

Jim

LadyBlue,

You have kids, so you will understand this analogy. I read a book awhile back that changed my mindset about lots of things, and really helped to explain how affairees justify their behavior to themselves. Here's the analogy - it's from the book Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box.

This is really paraphrased, so it's nowhere near a quote!


You're lying in bed asleep and the baby is crying. You wake up and think that you ought to get up and see what's happening, after all, your wife usually does it, and she needs some rest. But you don't get up right away. The baby cries again. You think to yourself that you ought to get up, and then you think you really are tired, too.

The baby cries again.

Then you look at your sleeping wife and think, why doesn't she get up? She is just sleeping. She could get up and help the baby too! After all, I'M the one who goes to the job every day! She doesn't have to drive that commute! She doesn't have to put up with my boss, or that grind! She gets to stay here with the baby, and I make that possible. She doesn't even appreciate the hard work that I put in. And here is the baby, crying, and she sleeps through it all, not even appreciating me and my hard work, nope, I shouldn't have to do this at all, and I'm not going to. She is lazy, and probably even naps while the baby naps. She probably had a nap today, too, while I was at work.........


See how that went from the husband thinking about doing something for his wife, to not wanting to, to berating her as being lazy and then blaming her?


Sort of how this whole affair thing happens, how it is justified in their minds. Starts out as "I shouldn't", and works its way through to "well, the BS really hasn't ever been the kind of spouse I wanted in the first place".

And none of it is true. It is an exercise in self-betrayal in order to justify behavior that the person knows is wrong in the first place! In the case above, the man's first instinct is to get up and check on the baby - the right thing. Then he goes against it (self-betrayal), which leads him right down the path of blaming others and attempting to justifying his own poor choice.



And all of it is "garbage", as you so rightly labeled it!


What he told you - all that stuff about not ever being happy, loving you differently or less, you never being happy - it was all involved in the exercise of his own self-betrayal and justifications that followed.

What they do are to try to convince himself, and then you, that what he is doing is okay. That the affair is okay. That he can violate his own moral code and get away with it, because these justifications somehow make sense, and blame someone else - or that he has actually made "nobody" at fault!!!! - and that everybody can live with the outcome. Sit around the campfire at the end of the rainbow and sing Kumbaya with me, because I've made everything okay!!!!! Affair and all, see, its all justified.

Only what you've done? You are trying to believe it. The reality here is:

Its crappola. He made it up.


Go from there.


SB

Jim and Schoolbus thank you for responding!!! My sig lines are in need of updating. He did end the affair on his own in 07 and it was a sexual affair along with being emotional. I thought EA meant extramarital affair not just emotional. His was a full blown all the way affair. We seperated again in 08 because he was just not happy he said I would never get over what he done.You see he wasnt helping me much to get over it.When he left filed for divorce.I guess that would be him doing a plan d to me instead of b for him huh?

Anyway yes he had contat with the OW while we were seperated and he said he just did not feel the same about her when they met again like he did before.He said he started to miss me and our family. So I guess I waited till the affair died out! Now I am at the resentment stage that he put me thru so much pain!!! There are just times when I feel like I deserve better than that. This board gives me hope that we can survive this and He does seem to be making alot more of a effort than before. I thank you for your responses they do help me. Schoolbus thank you for the analogy it really made me think!