My wife and I have been married for three years. She says things when we are arguing that I hope she does not mean. she says things like I hate you, this marriage is over, I am through with us. I do not really what to say to that. It hurts that she feels that way. But she maybe saying those things out of anger. I have told her that I don't like it when she is saying those things. I am to the point that I want to ask her to leave. I think we should seperate. I don't like hearing those things. It makes me feel worse. I work and go to college fulltime. I need advice on what to say or do... thanks

No, she shouldn't be disrespectful to you, and shouldn't say things that she doesn't mean. However, I think that's a minor concern compared to what it is that you are actually arguing about. What are you doing that's prompting her to say that she hates you? I don't think anyone could give you good advice without more information.

How is the fact that you work and go to school a factor?

Hey RN,

First, let me say I am so sorry you find yourself here. Relationships can be very difficult, especially when the one you love keeps making threats to leave. May I ask a few question of you to begin with? How old are the two of you? THe reason I am asking is because it sounds like your wife is very insecure and immature. Her words sound like someone who keeps pushing the limits just to test if you really do love her. People with maturity do not need to degrade their partner in order to feel more secure with themselves.

The frist thing I suggest you do is read Dr Harley's books. Next I would suggest you find yourself an excellent MC. They might be able to peel back the layers of hurt that is causing your wife to lash out at you. Do I believe she means those things that she says when she is angry? No, I think she is just trying to invoke a responce from you. See, at those times that she says these things, she is feeling very vulenable and unloved. After all, how could you have hurt her like that (her thoughts, not reality). She says these scary things to try and get you to respond back with more love (no, please dont leave me....I'll do whatever it takes to make this work). What she doesnt understand is that it is eroding away the love you do feel for her.

Life is about 10% of what happens to us and 90% how we REACT to it. She has not learned this lesson yet. It sounds like she blames you for all of her negative hurt feelings. Until she can grow up and take ownership of herself and how she reacts, this cycle will continue and she will keep disrepecting you. A good councelor can help her to change how she looks at things. Heck, most of the stuff she gets angry at you about probably has nothing to do with you. It is more likely that it is triggering an emotion from her younger days that she never truly dealt with.

My suggestion for you is to sit down with your wife and ask her to go to therapy. Tell her how much you do love her and that you want her to always be your parnter. Explain in a very calm voice how hurtful her words are to you when she makes these threats. Let her know that it is never your intent to cause her harm or pain. Ask her if she can gentle tell you when something triggers these feelings so that you can make every effort to make a course correction in the relationship. Explain to her that when she comes at you with immidiate blame and anger, you become defensive and it is harder to her the pain she is trying to convey to you. Then let her know that you understand that this is a learning process for both of you, and hopefully she will understand that mistakes will be made.

Now here is the hard part, RN. When she does start to behave badly (and she will because she has been taught by you that she can) you need to establish boundaries for yourself and say "Honey, I really want to hear what you have to say and I truly want to try and work on this, but until you can talk to me in a more respectful tone I am going to walk away" and then get up and leave. Oh sure this will tick her off to no end in the begining, but it was also teach her what is accectable behavior and what is not. It will NOT cause her to leave the R, it will force her to treat you better and possibly save your M.

I will post a thread I did awhile ago on boundaries so that you can get a better idea of what I am talking about. Hope that helps. Take care and keep posting your questions.

I know that I should have given you more information. I did not want to vent much. But, here is the story from the beginning:

We have been married for three years. We had an okay start. After about five weeks we began to argue, our first big argument ended with her leaving. Divorce was something that we did not talk about and I did not mention. We never wanted to use that word. We would argue and fuss she would always threaten to leave. We decided to move to another city and get away from everyone hoping that would help us. We moved seven hours away from all family and friends, so it was really just us. We did fine for a few months and then things took a turn for the worse. I was taking a few college courses and working to get into nursing school. She would tell me that I was not spending enough time with her, I was working to much, I was always sleeping, and doing school work. I was working full time while doing these courses. I have always wanted to go to college to be and RN. She knew this desire before and when we got married. I was very determined and still am to finish. I had been preparing financially for two years before we meeet to start college full time. This is when the name calling started and saying very disrespectful things to me. I never responed with the same actions. I would just let it role off my back when she did this, but it become a habit everytime when we would argue. Mnost of our arguements are the smae things. I don't spend enough time with her, I am always busy with school work I work to much. While in the current city she gave me a ultimatum that if I did not change the way i was treating her, she was going to leave in six months. I did not abuse, cheat, verbal abuse her. I am not a dictator in oour home. So i did my best, I thought Iwas making an honest effort to change, but to her it was not good enough. She started looking for a job in the state where we moved from. She found a job and went for an interview. This happened in about a two week period. I expressed my desire to stay in our current city. That did not seem to effect her decision. She said she was home sick and needed to be closer to her family. I was not giving her everythign that she needed. So she moved and I stay there for about two months. I did that becuase I needed to finish my job and pack. So now we are back in our home state. We have been here for about 1 1/2 years now. I am at a point in my education that I have applied to two nursing schools. I have a real chance of getting in. This is as close to my dream as I have never been. She seems to understand how I feel about my education. She is still complaining that I don't meet her needs. I still work full time and attend college full time nothing has changed. She still calls me names and now she is saying that she is through with our marriage and does not want to be in it anymore. I don't know what to do? I feel like I need to quit school and just work inable to meet her needs. I would not be happy doing jus tthat. I want her to be happy, I do, but if she is saying these things to me and still calling me names and saying she does not want to be with me, Am I wrong for wanting to separate? I have asked her to attend MC with me, but she says no. I have tired to meet her needs to her standards, but I can't and she is still uphappy. What do I do? thanks sorry its so long. Also, I am sorry if this is choppy and does not flow well. I am at work trying to vent. Thanks

Again, how old are you and how long did you date before you got engaged and then married?

I'm asking because both your description of her behavior and your reaction to it screams of immaturity, a short courtship and a quick wedding between 2 people who have no idea what the real world entails. Sorry about my bluntness, but that's what I see. The would/coulda/shouda of this is you should have (both) finished school and established your lives before getting married. (it's ok if I sound harsh - I made this mistake too)

Now what you are going to both have to do is grow up and quickly. Marriage isn't something your W can just run away from, like a teenager might run away from home to stay with a friend for a night when she's unhappy about her cerfew. And once you've committed to each other in marriage, you are responsible for one another. You may not be able to continue your education any old time you want. Somebody has to pay the bills as well. And it's perfectly fair to be upset when your spouse is never home because they are working and in school. When you get married, it's not about "what I want" anymore. It's about "what WE want" now. This is the reason you get all the "I wants" out of your system before getting married.

If I'm completely wrong on the assumption about your age, please disregard.

Thanks for a bit more detail about your sitch, but Tabby is right, we still need to know a few more details. How old are the two of you? Any kids? How long did you date before you married? Believe it or not, this information does make a difference. I mean, if you were 21 and she was 42 we would all be screaming RUN, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN. Because a woman at that age who would behave that badly and make such a bad decision to marry someone so young is definiately mentally ill. But, I doubt that is your circumstance. Just an example on how the facts make a difference.

As far as what Tabby suggested about putting your education on hold, well I have to disagree with that. A job should never be placed before a family. Period. But recieving an education is important for individual growth. It is a short term obsticle for a long term gain....a happier individual because they have a better more fulfilling career. If you dont finish it, I believe it will build further resentment inside of you towards your wife. That certainly isnt healthy. The schedule you are keeping in order to recieve your education is a short term circumstance, and I would hope that your W would understand that one day soon it will get better.

It sounds like your wife is feeling very lonely and to some degree invisible in your world. YOu say that you have tried everything she asked for but she still is unhappy. Can you give details on what some of those things are? Maybe us women here can give you better insight on why it didnt work and how you can do things that will make her feel special. For example, how about going out and buying her 11 red roses and 1 fake rose. Attach a card that says "I will love you until the day the last rose wilts and dies." Dont say why you did it, you did it just because......Us girls love that kind of stuff. It makes us feel loved and special and like we really do hold a meaninful place in your heart.

RN, you cant change her, but you can change you and only you. That means you have the power to do things that will make her feel good about you. You also have the power to assert boundaries to protect yourself when she is harsh. If you are wanting the M to work, it can. I dont think you two have earned the right to call it quits. M is a big deal, D is even bigger. You have to turn over every stone and try everything in your power before you can say it is over. Neither one of you have done that yet. Lets start small. You know what they say, the only way to climb a mountain is one step at a time. You will be surprised at the big changes even these little things can create.

I am 24 and she is 23. We dated one year before we got married and we have no kids (2 dogs) She wants kids now and I don't. That is one of the issues we have. I do want kids someday after I finish college. I don't agree with putting my education on hold, Ihave moved three times in the past three years for and with her and I don't want to move schools or homes again. She asked me to give her more compliments.(your beautiful) that sorta thing. I did...it was never the right words, or the right way. So her more affection, I tried, sex and other things have always been hard for us. She was a virgin when we got married and I applauded her for that, but I was not. I did my best to be slow and take it at her pace. I did. There was no fun with it. I am open about sex with her and told her what I needed, but there was excuses to why she did not like doing that. I stopped trying after that. Also, one thing that upsets her is that I go to be early. Like 1030-11pm, b/c I am so busy with work and school I need to rest. I try my hardest to stay up past 11 but I would be so tired I would fall asleep on the couch. She would be mad some nights. I am such a morning person and she is not. I sugggested that we get up early two mornings aweek together and cook breakfest and enjoy that before our day. It worked for while, but then we stopped. I agree that marriage is very important and we made the decision to do this, we should do everything we can. I have suggested MC, but she does not want to go. I feel like the happiness of our marriage is in my hands. I am happy with her, yes their are little things that she does and says that I don't like or get on my nerves, but I don't blow up and say things to hurt her. Right now she is at her parents ~2 1/2hrs away from me. We are talking on the phone a bit, but we don't say every much so we end up not talking at all. I suggested that she find some new girlfriends to hang out with, be more active in church b.c we love church and enjoy going. I suggested she volunteer at the local hospital or the womens shelter, anythings to get her out of the house and give her something to do. I know that I am always working or goingn to school, but you are right this is only temporary. I stress that point a lot when we talk about our future plans together. I told her when we got married that my education is very very important to me. It was going to be hard for us to do this, but she said she is up for the challange. I hope this helps you, help me. Thanks

I actually don't disagree with you at all regarding education. Everything you say about individual growth is absolutely true. But it sounds like these two got married, and then the OP decided to go to school. Why didn't he go to school first? I just went through this with my DS who, at age 20, got married. They are both still in school in 2 different cities - hardly a formula for a happy marriage. Fortunately they will both be done this year and they seem to have stuck it out. But it hasn't been easy.

The thing is, once you are married, any and all decisions have to be made together. If you read on this site about the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) - there's a link on the right hand side under most popular links - it explains how this works. It doesn't sound like the decision for the OP to go back to school was made this way. So there is conflict. It doesn't matter if going to school is a good idea or what benefits it will have to the couple in the long run - the way the decision was made is damaging to the marriage now. That's the point I was trying to make.

Again - all of this is based on the assumption that you are both very young.

We meet in college. She knew from the very beginning and before how important my education was. I never made light of that. She quit college before we got married. It was her decision to do that. I encouraged her to stay in and finish, she only had two more semester left. I have tried to take classes every semester b/c I did not want to get behind. So the decision was not one sided. She was okay with the fact that I was in college and she knew how much longer I had to go. I was a little hesitant while engaged to proceed with the wedding date. Not break the engagment, but just change the date. B/c I did not want to give up the opprotunity I had worked so hard for. But she reassured me and reassured me that we could do this.
"IF not now, then when", she would say. I trusted her.

Hey RN, just a few things popped out at with your posts.






Ok, this is VERY concerning to see, especially since you have only been married 3 years. Do you see the pattern here? If what you say is true, she has a history of running AWAY from problems instead of working through them. People who behave in this manner have a very difficult time with accountability. It is always someone elses fault that they are unhappy or that things didnt go right. They cant handle that they might actually be part of the problem. That doesnt mean all is lost, it just means that you have a huge obsticle to over come if you want to make this marriage work.


Are you saying that she doesnt work???? <Sigh> If that is the case then this is truly a woman who needs help. SHe complains that you are not meeting her emotional need of affection and conversation, yet it seems you are the one doing all of the work. She knew you were going to attend school and even claimed to be supporting you in this decision. WHy doesnt she get a job so that you dont have to work so much and can then have more free time to spend with her and meet those needs? It sounds like she rather take the easy way out and have someone completely support her so that she can EVERYTHING she wants. Marriage is not about getting it all, it is about being partners, compromising and supporting eachother. Frankly RN, from what you have stated here, it doesnt sound like she has done any of those things.

I dont think she is mature enough to understand the committment she made when she said "I do". SHe sounds more like a teenager who keeps throwing a tantrum when you dont give her want she wants, so responds with disrespectful judgements, verbal abuse and threats. This is manipulation, plain and simple. If she truly loved you (brace yourself.....I dont think she is mature enough to even know what love truly is) then she would be trying to work WITH you on fixing the relationship instead of only accusing you and then leaving. I'm not saying that there arent things that you could be doing better, because believe me there are. I am sure you have tried to make her feel important, but it doesnt seem that you two are connected enough to really know how to make eachother tick. Dr. Harvey's book "His Needs, Her Needs" does an excellent job on explaining why sometimes you feel that you give and give and its just not good enough. I truly suggest you read it. I also STRONGLY urge that you insist that you and your wife attend MC. She needs professional help to overcome some of these insecurities. You dont have to present it in this light. You can say, "Honey, I want to be a better H for you. Please attend MC so that I can learn how to meet your needs better." RN, if the two of you dont get professional help, I am affraid she is just going to keep running. What kind of relationship is that?

I want to post something I have learned about establishing boundaries. I really has been the best thing for me. It gave me some control over what I would allow and what I would not allow. I read a book called "The Secret Laws of Attraction." Here is what the author said about boundaries:


Boundaries are not about controlling others. People will do what they want. Boundaries are about protecting yourself from others. When you inform people, you are simply teaching them how to treat you.....If you dont have sufficient boundaries, you'll get burned and will eventually put up walls to protect yourself. These walls are what keep people out. Boundaries enable us to really open up and be intimate because we feel safe. The bigger your boundaries, the safer and more relaxed you'll feel and the easier it will be to connect with other people.



Setting boundaries is a stretch but well worth the effort becaue of the rich reward: people will respect you. We respect people who have boundaries and we dont respect those who dont. Indeed, we are often tempted to abuse those without boundaries. Perhaps it is part of the survival of the fittest concept - animals casting out the weak and sick so the stronger members can thrive. Like animals, we too can sense boundaries immediately. This is good news. Often, the moment you instill a new boundary, such as "People cant critisize me" you'll either be tested right away or no one will critisize you. People instinctively sense your new boundaries and dont go there. Its a powerful new aura you are projecting.

Strong boundaries enable us to become less needy. We are naturally attracted to the people we like and respect - the people who have a sence of dignity and self respect. When you have boundaries, it is easier to attract the right man or woman in your life. And, without them it is impossible to maintain a healthy realtionship.

Thanks Idey58 for your thoughts. My wife just lost her job about 9 weeks ago. She was the bread winner for our family. I was there for her when this happened. I did everything I could have done to meet her needs emotionally. I listened to her and helped her understand why this happened to her.
She is applying to jobs, but has not had any luck yet. This scares me b/c I don't know if she really wants to work? She has always talked about starting family. Just last night she brougth this up. She wants a child now! I don't, and why can;t I give her what she wants. I am being selfish she says b/c I want to wait until I finish school. Which is only two years. I am putting my needs and wants before hers. I don't feel like that is true. I can't bring a child into this world and not be able to provide for it. I barely make enough to support us. (i don't really I did not want to admitt that) That would do nothing for our marriage and for that child. It does not get easier, only harder. She asked me not to call her for a few days. She suggest we don't talk and think about everything. I agree to that. She also asked me if I was willing to change and start doing the things that she needs(as mentioned in an earlier post) I told her I would do my best to change with those specific things. She did not seem to like that answer. I feel like the happieness of our marriage is in my hands. All the weight is on my shoulders to make our marriage work.
I sent her a email this morning suggesting that we go to MC. I told her that we need someone to help guide our conversations and help us resolve some issues with we have, b/c we get no where when we talk. I also told her that MC would help us learn how to deal with certin issues and better understand each other. I told her that we are not perfect people and no marriage will ever be perfect. But we can only do our best. Thanks for letting me vent!

First RN, I want to apologise. I made an assumption about your wife not working. I should have waited until I heard all of the facts. Thank you clarifying that for me.

It sounds like there is a merry go round arguement occuring between the two of you. She says "You dont meet my needs" and you reply "Yes I do". Now, you make think you are and you may feel like you are trying super hard and then BAM! she comes back with "You dont meet my needs". Here is a little analogy for you - You have a tool belt that you wear that helps you solve all of the issues that arise in you life. In you tool belt you have every kind of hammer imaginable. You got the big one for big jobs and the little one for delicate issues. This set of tools has served you VERY well for the 24 years of your life. There hasnt been one thing that you havent been able to hammer away at. Then comes your wife "You dont meet my needs". You pull out trusty hammer 16 to handle this job and start knocking away. Day after day you are pounding at this problem. Heck, you have work so hard that your shirt is soaked in sweat. You are feeling pretty good about things because you have been working so hard at hammering away your wifes unhappiness. But low and behold she comes right back and says "Why are you not meeting my needs!!! I told you what I needed and you arent doing it!" You are dumbfounded, confused and gosh darnit, very upset. Look at all of this hammering you have been doing. But here is the thing, your wife didnt need a hammer...she needed plyers. All the hammering in the world isnt going to fix the situation because you are using the WRONG tool. Get it?

So, I understand you when you say that you DO do the things that she ask of you, but I also hear that she is saying no you dont. I honestly think it is a case of not knowing which tool to use. You keep saying that you feel that the happiness of this marriage is all on your shoulders. Well, there is some reality to that. See, your wife is saying enough is enough...I'm done. You are the one still wanting this M. So, the working of getting it back on track is up to you. If you are not up to the task or dont want to do it, well then I say go file for a D and move on. But, because you are posting on a marriage support group I think you do want it to work. The first step you need to take is Do Something Different! Stop using your hammer because now you see it is not working. Ask you wife out on a date. I know she is living 2 1/2 hours away, but she is your wife and should be worth the drive to go and see her. Do NOT make plans to stay the night with her. You are just going to go on an old fashioned date.

I know things are probably financially tight for the two of you right now, but how about picking her up and take her shopping for a brand new outfit. Trust me, a new outfit is a heck of alot less expensive than a D. Dont tell her this is what you are going to do, tell her that you have a special night planned for her. She sounds like she may be depressed right now, and her confidence is really low. Make sure you tell her over and over again how beautiful she looks (but not too much as that can get annoying). Let her get whatever she wants for her one outfit. Then take her out to a nice resturaunt and drop her back at her parents place. Do NOT talk about your relationship at all, it will ruin the evening. If she brings it up, say "I agree we need to talk about that, but for tonight lets just focus on you and have fun." I gaurentee that if you do this, you will see a change in attitude from her. That does NOT mean things are fixed, it just means the door is opening enough to allow you in to work on the M. Start with that and then we can go from there.

I recommend that you read the Harleys' information about Emotional Needs, Love Busters, and the Love Bank. Following the information they provide might be extremely beneficial.

I probably shouldn't say this, but honestly, she doesn't sound like marriage material to me. She sounds like she is spoiled, selfish, and used to having everyone bend to her will. In other words, she's still acting like a 15 year old.

What would you think about letting her do what she wants for now, while you finish college? Let her get a little older, let her find out for herself that life is full of compromises.

I don't really know how to feel about everything. I have been dealing with this for 3 years. Parts of me want to fix our M. Thats why I came here and other parts of me can't deal with this any more. Everyone around me says the same things that Catperson has said. She has agree to MC. This is the second day we have not talked it ha been hard, but kinda nice I don't feel like arguing. Thanks for of all your ideas.

The number one thing to remember is that you can't make anyone else do anything. Nothing. It has to be them deciding. Therefore, in the meantime, you have to do what's right for YOU. And if you're losing your love for your wife, you need to make some changes that protect you and that love. Standing up for yourself, protecting your integrity. If she really loves you, she will follow. If not, it's best to learn it now.

RN, I agree with Cat on this 100%. There is also the possibility that your W is not meeting your needs right now because she harbors resentment that you havent met hers. If you want this R, protect yourself but also try and reach out to her and make her feel appreciated and loved. If you does not respond, and still will not do MC, set her free so she can see what she will be missing. You can do this!