Hello everyone,

I'm not married but I need help. MY bf had an affair and has an OC. He says that his #1 priority are his kids, which is great but I feel that he neglects me and the relationship. We have a child of our own. He has contact with the OW and sees the OC. He has lied in the past about his contact with the OW. In the beginning we agreed to go at this as a team but he has changed the rules of the game. I cannot say anything about how he handles the situation without him bursting into anger and saying that his kids come first and this is his responsibility. He has no backbone when it comes to the OW and often acts out of guilt. He has changed many of the things that we agreed to in the beginning of this situation and uses the excuse that life is not black and white. He says he loves me and our child and wants to be a family but I don't feel like it at times. Please help me!

Welcome. Glad you have found marriagebuilders.

Since he claims the children come first, I suggest you see an attorney and file for child support. Usually the first one to file for it comes out with the most money.

You are not even married, and your relationship is doomed by his sense of entitlement. So protect your child, and see if BF changes his tune.

Welcome to MB. It seems your BF is probably much more involved with this OW than he claims. His anger is most likely to deflect from the real truth. Like believer said, file for CS and run fast from this relationship. He has no respect for you and no boundaries, not good husband material.

Welcome to this forum.

One thing I have learned is that ACTIONS speak far louder than words. He is telling you one thing but proving another with his actions. You said he has no backbone when dealing with OW and acts out of guilt. He is a grown adult who is responsible for his actions. Anything he does, he does knowing that it has consequences. And it really doesn't matter why he's still involved with OW, the reality is that he is.

This is where YOU have a decision to make.

I highly encourage you to file for child support. Even if you live together, you can file as you are not married. You need to protect yourself and your child.

Set boundaries for what you will and won't accept. If he is changing the 'rules' then he is making all the decisions and is not interested in you or your feelings. I know it hurts but I think you are already aware that something is wrong here.

One other thing...I know this is a marriage board and you aren't married. However, if your bf won't abide by Harley's rules of POJA, then he won't do it when and/or if he marries you. Again, his actions are speaking!

Do some soul searching and decide if you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who disregards your feelings and has contact with his OW on a regular basis. ugh!

Thank you for all of your resonses. I've been dealing with this issue for so long and wanted desperately to learn how others have dealt with it but I know that there is nothing that I can do, my BF does what he feels is the right thing to do. I feel a lot of guilt for my own child although I haven't done anything. My BF tells everyone that I don't want him to see his child although he sends support to the OC while I hold most of the responsibility at home. How do you get over the hurt and anger? not only for what was done to you but the things that come after. He says that you can't be responsible for your kids and have a relationship with them without having contact with the OW. What hurt me was that the OW is his friend and he's gotten over her 'trying to trap him'. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. Everyday feels like the first day I found out. Everyone speaks about forgiveness and moving on but how can you move on under these circumstances?

Sweetie, it is this mindset that will keep you going in circles. I have the same problem with my H. If I did not have 2 kids (1 disabled) and a home with him, I wouldn't even try. Even with the A being over, the lying and sneaking to see OC and speak to OW continues. It kills my love for him every day.

I have a thread I just made recently about recovery being nearly impossible with an OC in the picture. Go read it and see if you really want to spend the rest of your life with your bf. You have to opportunity to file legally for child support and move on with your life! I would take it.

There is a lot you can do. The first is realize that you have choices. I spent many years living in the 'I can't do anything land'. I had all sorts of reasons (aka excuses) why I couldn't do anything. I needed his income; I was in my late 30's and no one would want me; I am a Christian and should 'stick it out'; what would our families say; etc... I'm pretty sure it was someone on this board who knocked some good sense in to me.

What do you want to do? Do you want to continue in this manner? If not, then do something about it. Set boundaries and stick with them. There are many excellent books about boundaries and setting them. There are also groups for co-dependent people (much like an al-anon meeting) where you can learn the art of boundary setting. Trust me, it's not easy but the rewards are huge!


And, this is only my opinion....it is almost impossible to forgive someone when they clearly continue to violate you, the relationship, your feelings and clearly continue to engage in their own selfish behavior.

You have already identified that your BF does what he wants. Now, what do you want to do?

ok he wants to be a family.. here's the family ---- himself, YOU, Your child and oc. (if that work for you)

notice that NO WHERE did i say ow. she is NOT part of YOUR family

yes there can be interaction with the oc without contact with ow. set up exchanges with a neutral third party or YOU escort him every time. make it a family night at micky d's or something.

my olders still remember dinner at arby's (roast beef joint) everytime we picked up my oldest son. well over 25 years back.

his interaction with ow should be strickly business like. did oc back a coat, does oc need any medication, do i need to help oc with any homework.

File for CS to financially protect your child.

I agree with theroad