It comes in waves for me (one just hit) and I just absolutely hate this woman who has never been married, has no children, 10 years younger than WH and who's life is not completely shattered and yet she is responsible for so much pain in my life. Don't get me wrong, I am angry at WH, too, but I HATE HER!!

Sometimes I am afraid of what I would do if I saw her and its not just how this has hurt me, but that it has hurt my kids.

Has anyone had this experience and the feelings of hate subsided? Even if the marriage did not recover? I don't want to live like this forever, but sometimes I think if I don't confront her face to face I will be stuck with these feelings!!!

Oh yeah, you could say that. I became OBSESSED with my hatred for OW (x2) and plotted all kinds of evil revenge (in my mind). Total waste of energy and emotion. They didn't deserve even that much time from my life.

The feelings did subside for me. Now I just feel sorry for THEM.

hmm, six months into recovery and I still want to smash her.

Guess I have a whiles to go

Lil' and princessmeggy -- I agree with you both! When I'm in a good space, I say she is not worth my time or effort and that is part of my plan B is to not contact her in anyway (I had in the past and stated my feelings about her very clearly). But then the wave of hate will come and I do want to smash her -- or at least her life. And its only been 7 months for me since d-day.

But you know I exposed pretty good and her parents know what a lying wh0re she is and so does her boss.

Be still.... Be still.... (I think we need a little meditation emoticon! :))

I hate OW but generally not that actively. She is a vile, oozing sack of toxic waste with no redeaming features whatsoever. I will never NOT hate her, but I really don't think much about her either. However, on rare occassions that I must be in close proximity to her, I get that intense wave of disgust I'm sure you're referring to. I don't know if that ever goes away or not but it doesn't come on it's own anymore.

I pity her!

They all have the same things in common.

- Selfishness
- No empathy
- callousness

..to name but a few of the personality traits that I would not want to have. They can never be truly and meaningfully happy if they cause so much hurt in peoples lives, and do not in some way make up for these hurts, if that is even possible.

Let the OW in my case live her sad pathetic life. I look in the mirror and see someone who would never hurt anyone and who has the love and respect of many. I shudder to think what she really sees when she looks in the mirror.

BF,

Here's a good thread for you to read on this topic. It was started by Mike_C2. Not sure if you have read some of his threads but he has alot of anger! I have felt and still do feel alot like him. I'm 7 months after d-day and still have fantasies probably every other day about how to blow up OM's world that pathetic piece of garbage....


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2154984&fpart=1

Mindshare

Yes, I feel anger towards the OM. Especially since I considered him a "friend." What he did was inexcusable. It was stabbing me in the back. It was a horrible crime vs. my family. But I do remember that my WW was pretty active in pursuing him...She's at fault also.

But come on, OM was single, good looking guy with a nice GF of three years. At best I feel apathy and pity for him. At worst I plot in my head how to break every bone in his body.

I would not be afraid that I do anything to physically harm OW if I ran into her. But I probably would take a minute or two to laugh in her face and humilate her. If I ever run into one of her toxic friends who enabled the A, they better watch out. They are as bad as OW to stand by and let other people's families be destroyed.

No...

I have prayed for her, truly - but I still have that "got to get her" type anger everytime I look at my D15.

It might take time "but I don't get mad -- I get even".

= Other Woman

I'll always hate the skank, and honestly, I'm glad she lives in a different state because I'm not sure I'd be able to resist making her lift hell. I make a conscious effort not to think about her much because she's not worth my time and energy, and if I find my mind going there, I redirect my attention. I'm taking NC to the extreme and including no thoughts about her, and it seems to be working.

If you step in gum and get it all over the bottom of your shoe, you're mad for a while. You may even say some naughty words at the gum.

But you scrape it off and keep walking. Your shoe sticks to the ground a bit with each step, but you just keep on.

And eventually...the last dirty little dregs of gum are so dried and dessicated that you don't notice they're there, and don't particularly think about it.

I agree that it depends upon the day. Today, I pity the OW because she has little or no potential for remorse for what she did to her family, is emotionally under-developed, etc. But just two days ago, I was comtemplating sending a Valentine's Day gift box of KY jelly to her at her office, just because I knew she needed it. The thought of her opening that particular "gift" in front of the other people in the office who knew about the A (everyone) made me smile. Most of the time though, I feel as if I have gum on the bottom of my shoes.



AM

In over 2 1/2 years, my hate for OM has not subsided one bit.

The only difference now is that I don't think about gutting him constantly.

If I ever happen to bump into him, my hate-o-meter will jump into the red instantly.

For the first couple years, my hatred was more like a rage. I could've skinned him alive and set him on fire.

Now, my hatred seems to be turning into the "disgust and contempt" type.

I wouldn't take the time to skin him and set him on fire...I'd just shoot him in the friggin head and go about my business.

No, for me the feelings of hatred will never go away. Nor do I want them to.

I have had the same experience Neak, although my analogy is to a more disgusting substance that one sometimes steps in.

It took about 2 years from D Day for me to see my H's OW as lower than stuff on the bottom of my shoe. I came to see that the physically beautiful, affluent mother of two fine children, loved by her husband and mine, was to be pitied rather than hated. I gradually lost my hatred of and obsession with her and now, as Neak describes, I don't think particularly about her.

The problem for a long time was that I saw my H as the same sort of substance that she was, and I was living with and trying to love him. This caused enormous recovery problems for me. I have now learned to assign my disgust to the WH he was then, not the man he is trying to be now.

An enormous rise in self-esteem will come to you, bestfriend, with time, whether your marriage is restored or not. While the affair will never lose its significance to you, OW as a person will do, one day.

Most of the time I just think that the OW is a disgusting piece of trash and I don't want to stink up my mind thinking of her.

BUT....I did go to the trouble of writing out a statement to her in her language(she only finished the sixth grade in her country and never bothered to learn English.) If I ever see her, I will probably spit it out.

I vaccilate between wishing it would happen and not caring if it DOES happen.

Actually, I thought about writing out another one that tells her all the awful things my H has said about her. Don't think I will though.

I KNOW that she is not worth my time and effort, but sometimes I just want to be able to say my piece to her. My emotion says it would feel good, but my intellect knows better. I think.

I hate, hate, hate OW with a passion. Did I mention I hate her?

Woman who purposely hurt other women are NOT good people to begin with. I mean, would I or my sisters or my friends ever do this? No. But I also never imagined my WH doing this.

But OW is a pro at this. She been divorced twice so she has no concept of a long-term marriage. Men and marriages are disposable to her.

She called me once to tell me that WH had just left her house and bed for that matter. She felt I should know that she wanted nothing more to do with him. Wow -- what a friend to inform me this.

I said they deserved each other. But the killer was when I told her to watch out because WH had already cheated on her with me.

That explains why he's now rushing the d. And why I can't call him on his cell phone or it would "cause problems." Why he won't see his kids. Why they are gone most weekends. Why he wouldn't even get out of his truck when he knew I was at in-laws house.

I want to mess with her. Maybe I need a stream of sexy women calling WH and leaving inappropriate messages on his cell phone. THE cell number that I'm forbidden to call.

What a controlling sl^t!!!

And did I mention I hate her???

Wow, everyone, I am validated, but overwhelmed! I think I hit at the universal sore spot!
I know we are to focus on our own growth and recovery and maybe on our WS since we may need to look at how we did not care for them prior to the affair, Buuttt, it seems that many of us let our hurt and frustration drift toward the _________(stranger, friend, cousin -- fill in the blank) who betrayed us with our partner.

Its incredibly validating to hear that others who are where I am or even further along in their recovery still struggle with this very human response to people who violate our marriage.

I don't think I could have the same feelings towards WH, because I still hold hope that he will be in my life again. I'm mad at him, but I don't hate him. OW, um, not so much. If I could spend the rest of my life without seeing her, that would be the best.

Hate OW here, too. I'd loved to tell her fat a$$ off, but I'm making it my mission to never see her or even hear her voice for that matter.

She's just one of many, so I guess I should cut her some slack. I'm sure she'll get what she deserves someday. My XH will cheat on her, if he hasn't already. Hope she gets a bonus STD along with it.

no.

Hate is quite a tepid word for what I feel for OM.

If he was to contract severe hemorrhagic rectal dysplasia, I would merely giggle every time I thought about it.