I guess maybe defining her as lazy is my definition of it based on my expectations. I'm sure that she considers me lazy for not helping as much as I should, could and want to. I've tried to talk with her about all of this but we both just get defensive and say say the phrases "you always" or "you never." Its so stupid but im sure its a human instinct for self preservation. She is known for being stubborn and she is also an only child. I however had sibings and things didnt always go my way and they shouldnt. I most certainly dont make her do things the WAY I want them. I know im not the only one living in our house. She doesnt do anything for herself so I dont consider her selfish. I actually get a little angry with her because she doesnt TRY to get out and do things. But the truth is...she hates everything in this world and everyone is out to get her. She goes looking for it. If i give her a compliment or thank her for something, she shoots it down and bashes herself. Thats probably what bothers me more than anything. It doesnt seem to matter what I say.
In the first part of your response, I hear you saying that you agree defining other people is a respectful way to live. Defining their essence, not their actions, is that correct?
I was going for clarity because of the title of your thread...and if in your own code of conduct, this is okay, then I really would advise you to divorce.
Take a look, also, at your own permissions...I hear "if someone does it to me, then it's okay to do back" and you know this is common, understandable, and you nailed that it comes from when we were kids...isn't functional, has no integrity, and abandons yourself to the control of others as an adult.
Talk about not fair.
DJs kill all your relationships...with poison. Slowly and certainly, over time...we learn how to assume, define and cross what are healthy boundaries early on, and then wonder why we feel so much anger (signals a boundary has been crossed), pain, fear and frustration in our lives. It's the constantcy of the DJs, crossing boundaries, and we're doing it to ourselves.
When you are focused on the behavior of others, then you are not minding your own. I've found if I flip over what I'm seeing in the other person and search it out in me, I'll find a sore spot, a sad place of grieving, dodging or betraying myself. I'll find where my own unreasonable expectations are causing ME pain, not the other person. And underscore how much we have in common in the process.
Great catch, btw, on the always and never...get the information from this...when you use these words, or hear them used, you know the context...about four years old...the age we're trying to grasp linear time (I'll do that yesterday, 'k?), and how humans only have consciousness in the present and no other time.
Huge concepts for little kids. Know that when you think those words, you're in your kid state of mind...gonna feel defensive, powerless, not understood, not understanding, attacked, controlled and diminished.
Because what you experienced as a kid stays with you...understand that and remind yourself of right now...you know more now...you are not being attacked by your spouse's opinion (opinions are about the person giving them); remind yourself you are not powerless and you were not then...choice is power and your choices remain inherently yours; you can't control being understood...so strive first to understand. You're capable. Requires the goal of respect, and really undertanding what your spouse is saying, past your defensive, sensitive, frustrated filter you hear with (we all have them).
You really want to rock your world? Commit yourself to that first step...strive first to understand, then be understood. Not going at her to change, define, control her...to solve her like a problem...to make her do/not do...first, hear her. Listen and repeat what you hear...get rid of your assumption you hear just fine...she's saying this or that. Confirm or clarify. Own your filter...you may not really be hearing what she's sharing...so act from respect...not because she can ever earn it...because you hold yourself from acting from respect. In your code.
"It's" not stupid...usually that phrase indicates a DJ about stupid choices...two intricately complex human beings in a human marriage...c'mon, CK, simple is not easy. Why not choose to be more honest with yourself? (DJs are lies to self.)
Your inner kid is saying that phrase..."This isn't how I want our marriage to be. I don't want to react, withdraw, attack, define and abuse you anymore. I don't want to be that guy. That's not who I am."
Set your goal...what is your primary directive as a human being on this planet? What are you here for? What's your big picture?
Love isn't judgment. A lot of us grew up in families where approval = love. Gotta tell you, one has nothing to do with the other.
Approval is an opinion. Love is the matter you're made from.
Confusing the two can tank your life...separating those can send you into upward spirals in your marriage.
Just a choice. Every single thought you have is a choice. You train your brain to dwell on what you lack...you feel deprivation intensely.
When you want to say "it's stupid what we're doing" change it to "I'm doing something I think is stupid right now. Beneath me. I'm arguing with you like I was four years old." As SOON as you own what you're doing, feeling, thinking, believing, seeing (your stuff), the frustration emotion drops off; the anger falls away...message delivered. CK is angry at himself.
Okay. Emotions pass. They come to pass. They deliver important information...get the info.
Love isn't hard...it's the knowing and sharing your stuff that is hard. Don't take it out on her, 'k? She's not doing it to you.
And focusing on what she's not doing can be a great distraction for what you refuse to do for yourself.
Another great catch--arguing can feel like self-preservation--to be wrong is to die, be wiped out. Not real, eh? Words are not going to remove your existence...her opinion is not going to annihilate you. Sure can be your experience.
And it was mine. "I feel like I'm defending myself from death right now." (Right now, btw, is essential to pull yourself back to reality during conflict.) That statement (all "I" statements are) is an act of intimacy...changes your perspective, in stating your stuff, from her as enemy to ally, the real partner, wife, best friend she really is...and pain, frustration, anger fall down some more.
She's not your enemy...get to the meat of your own issue and share it as your own..."I need your help not obsessing on what you're doing, comparing my actions with yours, my choices, degrading and diminishing you in my mind, cutting off your love deposits and LB'ing you. I love you. I vowed to myself and I'm breaking those vows to love, honor and cherish. Please, help me."
Our defensiveness drops when we own what is ours. When we take what is NOT ours and try to make it our responsible, there is pain and frustration...when we push what is solely ours onto others, there is frustration. Those are signals. Get the info.
Have you read the four rules of marriage? Is "your way" looking out for your wife? Is "her way" against you? If you hold yourself to acting from your code, to not acting to her unhappiness, to following the rules of POJA, then I understand your push for your way. Just check to see if you're using her actions to ease your choice to compare, denigrate, discount or dismiss.
Because many times couples will work at an "issue" to the death of the marriage...before realizing, until too late, it's their own issue at the core. Begin there.
Seems to me your life of disrespect is causing you a lot of hurt. I heard you say you won't define her as selfish because she doesn't do anything (there's one of those words) for herself, either. Check reality--she showers, eats, sleeps, dresses, speaks and listens...and that's for herself.
The union of two is what becomes one...the lines of separate identities get blurred because what she does for herself can be viewed as being doing for you--same as not doing, not doing for you. How about focusing on where you're drawing the lines? That's in your control...that's solely your responsibility.
If you hold yourself to acting from honesty, then you'll say, "I feel bashed when I tell you I'm grateful for something you've said or done and you discount it. When you bash yourself, I feel it, too."
That took my DH 15 years to say to me...and it still shakes me up five years later. I had no clue. See, when you express yourself, it's offering a piece of yourself...so you will feel discounted, dismissed, bashed...that's reasonable.
It's unreasonable to not state, share, anyway. To know that's about them. And what they do to you, they do to themselves...same for you. When you label and box another human being instead of knowing them, you do the same abusive behavior to yourself.
Causes a lot of anger (crosses a healthy boundary), pain and fear.
Most importantly, if you do not feel heard, understood, acknowledged or accepted, please check on how you're doing in those areas for others...because most likely, what you MOST crave you are least giving. And it won't seem that way.
Just another way we signal ourselves to pay attention...to us. To not live through others in fantasy..."if only she'd <blank>, then I'd feel" isn't reality or even reasonable. They are separate. Your actions determine YOUR feelings...so check them out.
And stop, please, defining her or anyone else...set your goal to know and be known...which has really hearing, understanding, acknowledging and acceptance. You fear being taken advantage, being used...as if you have no power over what others do to you.
Not real. Definitely your real experience right now. When you understand you are inviolate over your own choices, where you choose to do and not do based on your own stuff, your code, then you are free...and will stop this power struggle going on with the woman you vowed to NOT power struggle.
Set your goal and hold yourself to that goal...love yourself more, stop damaging yourself, and your feelings will be different. God made us incomparable...which is why we are unique, separate and constantly equal...you cannot gain at another's expense...though you may experience it as if you can...just as you cannot lose at another's gain.
When you act from love, loving feelings result. When you act from respect, you will experience a respectful life. Get to know your power and where you are powerless...over others', even your partner...in our design, that's inherent respect within our limits. There's freedom in it...find it. Free yourself.
Know that your stuff matters...and your stuff is about you..hers is hers...respect that difference. Be aware of when you are disrespecting what is her stuff and what are her actions. State it. "I have an emotional need (EN) for Domestic Service. I feel loved through acts of service. It's my love language. I see those actions as acts of commitment, support and acknowledgment. How do you feel loved by me?"
You can do this. There's not a thing wrong with you.
LA
