I have drafted an email to send to my W's ex-fiance, with whom she had a 4-day email fling about 13 months ago after not seeing or talking to each other in 24 years.

I never confronted or exposed him because W begged me not to contact him - "Let me handle it" she said. She did send him an email saying not to contact her again and that she would not be contacting him any more. She told him that some of the things he said to her were inappropriate and that "the road we were going down could only lead to trouble." I know she sent it because he responded back all indignant that she was accusing him of coming on to her. He made all kinds of excuses, "I didn't mean it like it sounded," etc.

Anyway, I have always felt like I should have let him know that I knew about their contact with each other and to serve him notice that I will not tolerate anyone interfering in my marriage. I've told W that if I had seen and heard them having this conversation in person, he would have been on the ground rubbing his jaw. I also considered finding a way to let his wife know what he had done.

Is it too late for exposure or should I just let sleeping dogs lie? If I do it, should I tell W about it?

if you are sure it is over, let it die.

I agree

I'm 99.99% sure it's over, as in there has been no more contact. But because of her vehement belief that what she did was not an act of unfaithfulness to me, and her anger at me wanting access to her communications (email, cell phone, etc.), I am not 100% sure that it couldn't happen again if he got the bright idea to contact her again, or if our relationship soured to the point she was tempted (it's almost that bad now, IMO).

Does that change anything in your minds or not? Still forget about it?

Thanks.

As I've told you before ottert, it sends major red flags flying for me that she is showing anger about your having access to her cell phone/email accts...In your position, I would be snooping like crazy...

Best to go by the old adage: "People with nothing to hide, hide nothing."...

Mrs. W

I agree with Mrs. Wondering. My husband had a very similar EA that started out innocent, led to an "apology" that he had wanted to say for the past thirty odd years that was way out of line in content. It continued for four weeks total and was very hurtful to me and our marriage. We are still in the process of recovering.

But, he became very remorseful pretty quickly and is very embarrassed by his behavior during that period of time. It took a long time to figure out and establish appropriate boundaries and he needed a lot of help from me. But he was very remorseful and gladly wrote the no contact letter.

I vote for expose to OM's BW. Your W will be mad as hell though and you need to be prepared for that. It sounds like the two of you are stuck almost at the point of your "discovery" anyway; So I don't know that this exposure could make it much worse than it is in your marriage right now.

Expose and insist on verifying NC.

Let the MF'er know. She is protecting him for some reason. Besides, it'll drive you crazy if you don't. I know for me it would have.

She'll forgive you for standing up for her when she understands. No more secrets "between the two of them."

I do NOT think you should contact the OM at the juncture.
No Contact means NO contact. EVER. Not from WW, not from you.

I agree that your wife's anger over sharing email passwords, cellphone records, etc. is a big problem and a red flag. I suggest you snoop like crazy and if you find one tiny contact do a nuclear exposure to everyone.

Until you find out there's contact between WW and OM, I'd stick to NC. The last thing you want to do, if there's been no contact for well over a year, is stir the pot and bring him back into your lives.