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This is my first post.
Several years ago I had a brief sexual affair. Some time after that ended, I had a long term emotional affair with a co-worker, which my wife learned about a few years ago. It was then that she also learned about the sexual affair. I told her several times I had cut off contact with the emotional affair partner when in fact I had not. Each time she discovered something new which revealed that I had been lying. Finally, about a year and a half ago, I truly did end contact. The former affair partner is no longer a co-worker. There has been no contact since that time. My wife has access to all my e-mail accounts (work and personal) and my mobile phone bills. She has had posession of my work pager for a long time. We have an understanding that I will not answer my back line number at work after office hours. It never rings after office hours, and if it did I would be terrified to answer it in case it were my wife calling to check if I was keeping the agreement - to use an already over-used term, it feels like a subway's third rail, if I touch it I will die.
I feel like things have been going really well between my wife and me. We went through the Marriage Builder's books a couple of years ago. I rarely even think about my emotional affair partner, and certainly not with any longing or sense of nostalgia. My wife, son and I just returned from a nice overseas vacation. I love my wife and realize how foolish and self-centered I was to jeopardize my marriage. I intend to stay married for the rest of my life.
My daughter, who is completing acting school, recently had "head shots" made. They came out absolutely beautiful, and I had my wife send them from her e-mail to my office account so I could keep them on my computer at work and show them off. I showed them to a number of people, and one of them suggested that, since I was so proud of them, I should forward them to my former emotional affair partner. Bad suggestion. I have no idea why I did it, but I did. I sent them with no message, just the photos. My wife, of course, saw that I had done so, and we are now back in crisis mode.
I can't believe I was foolish enough to have done this. I have had no desire to re-initiate contact. Thus far,thankfully, there has been no response. I have re-opened all of my wife's old wounds that, perhaps, had been starting to heal. She is, of course, feeling betrayed once again. And I am feeling anxious, tense, and very disappointed in my own impulsivity and lack of judgement.
I am open to thoughts and suggestions. Perhaps now you could re-write this, your first post here.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Who was the prophet in the Old Testament who married a prostitute and kept going back to reclaim her time after time? I think that was Mark1952... And if Chrys decides to walk away it would make perfect sense for her to do that. How much emotional abuse can anyone put up with? If your whole confession is contact, and not PA instead of the claimed EA, I'm impressed. Wow, really wrong word. Surprised. My instincts said the opposite, No contact but there was a physical affair. I must be honest, if it was so powerful that there was ongoing contact after d-day, it makes me more suspicious that it was PA. I think full grown men have PAs, they have PAs with EAs, but I can't believe there would ever be that much of a connection for a guy without sex. Polygraphs would probably prove me right with a lot of the guys here claiming EA only.
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Who was the prophet in the Old Testament who married a prostitute and kept going back to reclaim her time after time? I think that was Mark1952... And if Chrys decides to walk away it would make perfect sense for her to do that. How much emotional abuse can anyone put up with? If your whole confession is contact, and not PA instead of the claimed EA, I'm impressed. Wow, really wrong word. Surprised. My instincts said the opposite, No contact but there was a physical affair. I must be honest, if it was so powerful that there was ongoing contact after d-day, it makes me more suspicious that it was PA. I think full grown men have PAs, they have PAs with EAs, but I can't believe there would ever be that much of a connection for a guy without sex. Polygraphs would probably prove me right with a lot of the guys here claiming EA only. I totally agree Mike.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Personally I believe you. You are going to a polygraph and the truth is out.
Hopefully you see now what a fantasy this whole thing was, and can get on with expending that energy on your wife.
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I am attaching a letter of no contact which I am prepared to send to the OW. But before I push the "send" button, I would appreciate any comments.
My wife knows that we have been in contact again. She saw that I had forwarded dd21's pictures to you.
We have been having what is essentially an emotional affair for the past five years and it is wrong. It has been extremely destructive to my marriage and if I am to have any hope of saving my marriage I need to end it. I know that I have been the main driver in continuing this relationship. I will leave you alone. Please do not call or contact me ever.
Last edited by Chewie; 02/08/09 03:55 PM. Reason: confidentiality
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I suggest that you reword this. The OW has no business knowing that your wife knows you are in contact.
It would be better to follow the Harley's advice by telling her that you love your wife, and plan on staying with her, and that the emotional affair was a HUGE mistake. Tell her that you want no contact ever again for any reason.
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I am attaching a letter of no contact which I am prepared to send to the OW. But before I push the "send" button, I would appreciate any comments.
My wife knows that we have been in contact again. She saw that I had forwarded dd21's pictures to you.
We have been having what is essentially an emotional affair for the past five years and it is wrong. It has been extremely destructive to my marriage and if I am to have any hope of saving my marriage I need to end it. I know that I have been the main driver in continuing this relationship. I will leave you alone. Please do not call or contact me ever. The ongoing contact with you has been inappropriate and disrespectful, to my marriage, my family and my wife, whom I all love more than anything. There will be no further attempts by me to contact you and I ask respectfully the same from you. Chewie Sorry, I haven't posted to you before, but I wasn't sure if you needed something fairly soon.
Last edited by Vittoria; 02/08/09 04:03 PM. Reason: comma
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
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I am attaching a letter of no contact which I am prepared to send to the OW. But before I push the "send" button, I would appreciate any comments.
My wife knows that we have been in contact again. She saw that I had forwarded dd21's pictures to you.
We have been having what is essentially an emotional affair for the past five years and it is wrong. It has been extremely destructive to my marriage and if I am to have any hope of saving my marriage I need to end it. I know that I have been the main driver in continuing this relationship. I will leave you alone. Please do not call or contact me ever. What a lousy NC letter. Why don't you try again.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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And actually, the MB plan is for you to write the letter, and let the Mrs. review and send it.
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This letter is another slap in the face to your wife.
What you've said in your letter is, "Wow, we got caught. My wife's bummed. I guess we can't talk if I'm going to stay married. Sorry about that."
I don't think this is really what you want to convey, is it?
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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And actually, the MB plan is for you to write the letter, and let the Mrs. review and send it. B is right. YOUR WIFE must review this letter when it's "ready" and SHE sends it. And you need to post the final draft here for more feedback. Your first attempt was just plain lame. It showed more care for OW than for your wife.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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And actually, the MB plan is for you to write the letter, and let the Mrs. review and send it. I was thinking I would point out that it didn't have to be so detailed. My apologies. Sorry
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
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My WW's first draft read something like this:
Dear (OM),
I am so sorry what i did to your life. We can never be together again, I know now that my family is more important than...etc..
I was like, lol....what is that the second act of Romeo and Juliet?
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Vittoria -
Your example was much better than mine. No need to be sorry.
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Your first attempt was just plain lame. It showed more care for OW than for your wife. Chewie, your whole attempt at "recovery' has shown more concern for OW than for your wife.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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We have been having what is essentially an emotional affair... This one quote is a tell to me that you have not even owned that you had an affair. This has been a destructive, traumatic AFFAIR! Call it what it is...an adulterous affair.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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We have been having an affair for the past five years and it is wrong. It has been extremely destructive to my marriage and if I am to have any hope of saving my marriage I must never see or talk to you again. I realize more all the time how much I love my wife, and I do not want to lose her. I will leave you alone. Please do not call or contact me ever.
This is a revised letter which my wife has reviewed and asked me to post comment. If you continue to feel it is "lame", specific suggestions for modification would be appreciated.
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Chewie,
I have no kind words for you. I have read your faithful wife's post for the last year and a half and her BELIEF that you were maintaining NC. As I told you before, if my H EVER does what you have done, my marriage would be instantly O.V.E.R.
I think your weak attempt at a NC letter is exactly what I mean when I say you are haughty. You think you know better than everyone else and that the rest of us(including Chrys) are just bumbleheads with nothing better to do than sit in front of a monitor typing out responses to cyber-friends.
FIND A DECENT NC LETTER AS SUGGESTED BY DR. HARLEY. Type it out. Let Chrys approve it. LET HER SEND IT. What is wrong that you can not take someone else's idea? Apparently your superior intelligence has not helped you very much so far.
And for heaven's sake. Stop whining about having to move someplace cold and rainy. Nothing in the Bible or anywhere else says that we are entitled to live in warm, sunshiny places. The hallmark of TRUE repentance is when you STOP whining about the consequences of your actions. Have you ever seen any of those prison shows on television. You can tell which convicted criminbals are TRULY repentant. THEY DO NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT WHERE THEY ARE. THEY accept the consequences and actaully grow and have peace because they are repentant.
I said before that I don't know if empathy can be learned. I am becoming more convinced that it can not. How on earth could you have continued to lie to your wife for so long? Did you actually feel NO PAIN at seeing her happiness when you knew the truth?
Good luck Chewie. I certainly hope you have truly spilled your guts now and if you haven't....well, God help you.
WH2LE
BS(Me)-57
FWH-54
Married-5/26/2001(2nd for me, 1st for him)
DS-30
DD-27
D-Day-05/31/2007
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Wow. Just.... I think Chrys ought to kick your arrogant [censored] to the curb. You are just cruel beyond words. For you to sit there and LIE to her for a year and a half, and then coming here feigning remorse over "one email." No wonder it didn't make sense. I think you're lying about the EA as well. Five year EA? I don't believe that for a second. 
Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4
His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08
Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10
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We have been having an affair for the past five years and it is wrong. It has been extremely destructive to my marriage (and if I am to have any hope of saving my marriage I must never see or talk to you again.) I realize more all the time how much I love my wife, and I do not want to lose her. (I will leave you alone.) Please do not call or contact me ever. Dump the things that I put between parentheses. It sounds like you ar saying that you would LOVE to continue talking to her but The wife will (wah, wah) leave you if you do. it sounds like you are saying, "Farewell my sweet love, I will leave you alone now ,but you will be in my heart." Trust me, as a BS. that IS what it sounds like. STAND UP FOR YOUR WIFE MAN! Make it sound like you have actually come to your senses and you want the OW OUT OF YOUR LIFE FOREVER!!!!!! I for one am unconvinced.
WH2LE
BS(Me)-57
FWH-54
Married-5/26/2001(2nd for me, 1st for him)
DS-30
DD-27
D-Day-05/31/2007
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