I have a general question regarding the role of forgiveness during after a divorce. If you or your spouse (ex-spouse) has come to a realization of something you did wrong in your marriage, that hurt the other person, what's to be accomplished by seeking forgiveness?

Of course, it does it alot for the person asking forgiveness. It clears your conscious and allows you to move forward in a way. It lifts the weight you didn't even know you were carrying.

But I like to think the act of being forgiven also means that you make a statement not do the wrong again. But if you're never given a chance to do that wrong again, how does it matter? If you aren't going to get back together how much does that really help?

I find it rather frustrating when my wife tells me she's sorry about something. It does feel good in a way, but couple thoughts go through my head. 1 - Do you recognize what that did to me, and how it was a catalyst for so many other problems we had. Not a reason, but a enabler so to speak. 2- Given that revaluate of events in our marriage, does it makes sense to consider what things would have been like without that in our lives? 3- Can I trust that this apology means that plan on or are capable of doing things different? 4 - It friggin sucks that I will likely never know the answers to 3 and 4.

This works the same way when I ask for forgivenss. The same thing. What do you do with it?

Maybe the answer has nothing to do with me or us, but all to do with the other person. Maybe in asking for forgiveness, you're validating them and showing respect to them in a way. Maybe in granting forgiveness, you're freeing that person, and giving them a chance to start over without that burden....with someone else. And maybe if you love that person, it's worth doing for those reasons alone.

I don't know that forgiveness has a "role" in divorce but it could have a role in personal growth of the people involved. The truth of the matter is that the answers to your questions don't really matter at all. If the person is truly remorseful, then they probably do recognize the hurt they caused and probably have considered the woulda, coulda shouldas. But if the damage is already done (i.e. divorce going through with or without forgiveness), then none of it matters.

It could matter to yourself - if you or your spouse have suddenly "seen the light" in what you did/didn't do. But that's a personal thing and depends on circumstances.

FWIW, a friend of mine's sister left her H many years ago for an OM. It was as ugly as anybody's sitch on MB today - broke up the family, destroyed children etc. Many, many years later, the OM cheated on her and left her for an OW. Only then did she realize the pain she had caused to her family. She called up her XH and apologized and asked for forgiveness. I don't know if he granted it or not, but I do know that she was sincerely remorseful by this time - and in a situation where forgiveness wouldn't erase the things that happened. She is probably a better person now, but then again it's not hard to be better than a WW.

I guess maybe I don't understand "the damage is already done". I understand that when it comes to infidelity, forgiveness can happen, but never forgotten, and you just can't recover. And I understand that an apology without real remorse isn't worth a whole lot. It just seems to me that forgivesness is suppossed to go a long way towards wiping out the past and providing some assurance in the future that that hurt won't happen again.

Putting it another way, I see all these hurts and behaviors as walls between a couple. Walls that make it difficult to build bridges, and even take out the ones you already have. Forgiveness tears down the walls. Sure there is fear that that walls may return, but if you believe that what you had before was worth something, why not start building again?

Maybe I'm just not as aware of the walls and the damage done as I think I am.

Forgiveness is for the defeated.