Yes, I hated her. She propositioned my husband on the day I spent 20 minutes on the phone with the pediatrician because our baby had colic. She had lunch with him on the day after I had surgery, and he did not come to see me. He broke my arm to protect her from calling me. Yes, I hated her.

When I told my parents about the affair and the broken arm, I was totally obsessed with this woman. My mother's reaction completely perplexed me... "Margaret. Sophia. Ann. It's all the same."

Yep, years later, and I mean six years later, I understand what she meant. My husband's affair had nothing to do with me or with her. It had everything to do with him. He once described her as a "convenient escape."

He degraded himself by having an affair, but he also degraded her. Think about what it means to be a woman in an affair. Think about it. She snuck around to see him. She talked to him on the phone while her children played.

Was this love? Hardly. It was passion alright, but it wasn't love.

I look at my husband and I no longer think of her. I think of him. I think -- What sort of man did I marry? That's what I think.

He broke my arm. He had an affair on me. I would never degrade myself to have an affair. It's not a self righteous attitude. It's more an attitude that I have enough sense of my own dignity not to engage in that sort of behavior.

She hurt me, sure. She also hurt herself far more, even if she never realizes it.

Cherished

You know, I pretty much had more hate for my WH than I did for OW. I figure he was the one that led her to believe that he did not want to be with me, he was the one that lied to her about everything. HE was the one that initiated talking more.

She actually stopped seeing him when she found out he had lied about being D'd. After I filed for the D, I think that they got back together within... a DAY maybe....

My disgust is more for people that ARE M'd that mislead people into thinking that they are not, or that they are on the road to a D, or whatever. I encountered a guy that almost duped me like that. We got along great, had great chemistry, he was supposedly almost D'd... I came to find out from one of his friends, quite inadvertently, that not only was he STILL M'd, there was NO D that was almost done, and he STILL lived with his W! I had gone to his "house" which turned out to be his BROTHER'S HOUSE. I was MAD. I will never go down that path again! I was just glad that things had not progressed too far with us. I can almost (ALMOST) see how it could have happened, and I could have been the OW. I NEVER want that. So I basically told him off the next time he called me... and that was that.

But, what a jerk. And his poor wife.

Also, for me it was more outrage, that he would actually WANT to be with someone MORE than me! LOL! But, I got over that. Especially when I realized what a piece he was.

Cherished, your post really struck a chord with me, especially how your mom seemed to get it instantly that it really isn't about who the OW is -- she just has to have basic qualities that can draw a WS in and be willing to engage in deceitful behavior.

Sometimes I get so caught up in what I know about OW, that I forget that it could have been just about anyone who was willing to do it, because its about what was wrong with WH that it even happened.

BF,

While intellectually I agree with what you are saying 100% it's the emotional side that overrules on this one. See, I am forced to keep a decent relationship with WW due to the children. OM on the other hand is much younger (15 years younger) and is single with no commitments to anybody. He knew she was married and didn't give a rats [censored] about blowing up my family. What a completely wretched human being. I have to have an outlet for the seething, angry, revengeful side and since I cannot direct it at WW (although deserved) it ends up directed at OM. If I was to run into him somewhere, there is no telling what I might do.

I also understand the argument about forgiveness and it being for me not them but I am so far from being able to do that at this point that it doesn't seem even possible.

Mindshare

does the hate for the OP ever subside?

Well I guess anything is possible. The Appalachians were once a Himalayan sized mountain range when Africa slammed into Europe and North and South America completing the Pangaea continent. Now look, they have worn down to where the tallest peak is only 6,000 feet. Of course that took a mere 300 million years. So that’s about the same schedule I am on regarding my feelings about Gollum. Give or take.

We worked together and were pretty good friends for over 3-years and I spent a lot of time and effort helping to make his Mordor Springs facility successful. We even had a couple dinners together with Gollum and his soon to be (again) BW.

His total disregard of my daughter and me just to get some cheap thrills and a few BJ’s from Wayzilla still pass like bullhead thorn kidney stones. My daughters and my life, future, past history, financial well being and her ability to finish college was all expendable to him for some cheap and easy sex with a tramp [censored] ho.

It would be best if we don’t see each other over the next 300 million years. And yes, I do hold Wayzilla even more accountable for the adultery but this tread is about the OP.

It is interesting that exposure day Gollum’s BW asked me about one of those dinners and if I felt an inappropriate “spark” between Wayzilla and Gollum. In truth, I told her I had not but since as it turned out Gollum was a 3-4 time serial cheater her radar for such things was far more in tune than mine. I still believed my DW could never do such a thing as adultery. She already had lived through it.

That made ME giggle!

Ha ha...good one Neak, I like that! I think I'd rather think of her as a piece of dog crap than something pleasant like a piece of gum.

No.

Not yet, but I'll keep you posted.

Bestfriend429,

It didn't just happen. He took step after step after step into an affair. The problem is with his choice to betray his wife and family -- and for what? A woman who has the character to help him cheat on his wife. What sort of woman would have that degree of insensitivity? Lots, as it turns out. What matters, though, is that your husband was willing to be involved in an affair, not that there are women out there willing to have an affair.

My sister's comment was even more to the point than my mother's: "She would have taken him off your hands."

If he moved out, ask yourself, "Why would you want him back?" Let him move out and stay out. If he comes back groveling, then maybe...

I had four kids, the oldest in second grade, when the affair got exposed. It was the week after her First Communion. Tonight I am going to a First Communion meeting for our youngest.

Do I think about the OW in this? No, I think what a two faced liar the guy was, to be raising his children as good Catholics while running around on work time with another woman, herself married with young children.

If he comes out of it and comes back to you, maybe... Otherwise, let this selfish and self indulgent man have his fun with a woman who has the same characteristics. The seeds of destruction are in the relationship itself. Instead of trying to understand OW, look at Jolie and Pitt. Sooner or later, that match up is going to be a blow up, with lots of kids involved.

One final thing I'd like to pass on to you is what my father said: "There are 200,000 women like her who are willing to have an affair -- 200,000 in the Twin Cities!" He's right. There's nothing special about a woman who's willing to have an affair.

Cherished

I, for one, will forever hate what both my ExWH and the Ho did. But I refuse to allow the hatred to be an active/destructive part of me. I'm not doing anything for THEM, but for ME in that regard.

However, I've gone from the hate I feel for her being an ACTIVE feeling to it being a mere fact of feeling. In other words, I no longer expend actual energy in the hatred I feel for her.

So, in a way, I guess it has dissipated, but I doubt it will ever go away.

I think that is a good thing for ME.

Sadmo said -


This is true for me, but I don't know that I had MORE hate for him. What intrigued me about this comment is the fact that the Ho actually called me to TELL me this. How she'd been LIED to. How she'd NEVER DO something like this?

What?

Yes, she did. If you want to read about it, check out my thread back just before Thanksgiving. I also think Pep put that post on the Notable Posts thread. I think it's worth the read.

Thinking back on that conversation makes me somewhat proud of how I handled myself. I think it proved to her how LITTLE she really is, and always will be - - -at least to me. For me, that was very satisfying!

Tramp-o-lean did the same to me. This along with some other deranged comments only made me hate her more. FWH was certainly no prize in any of this but at least he owned his stuff and didn't go around blaming anyone for his choices. After listening to OW give her top 10 reasons why she wasn't a ho of her own free will :RollieEyes:, I can only laugh at this woman now. It almost seems unfair to make fun of the mentally challenged but in OW's case...she's "special."

Not until he's dead and buried and the flames of H3LL are burning his butt.

Want2Stay

I'm going to make it a point to meet up with XW and OM in hell.

I have to admit, after my first marriage ended. I had some hatred for the last OM. You see in my first marriage, call me stupid, or blind, but there were too many to be "mad" at.
I focused all my anger to my XWW.
The last OM she had an affair with, was actually the same second guy she had an affair with.

Yeah it's still confusing to me too.

But I really don't hate the guy, I am actually glad he took her off my hands. I mean I have to see him, every other weekend, when it is her weekend to have our daughter. When I see him, it actually makes me feel good about leaving her.

It's been 5 years since our divorce, and she has changed into a redneck hoe lookin trailer trash wannabe.
So yeah I am happy for them, they deserve each other, and I found out sometime after our divorce, she had an affair on him to, and he caught her RED HANDED, in the act.....which I still laugh about even now.


Now my current situation, I don't blame him, now that doesn't mean I like him, and want to hang out, but he wasn't the one that reached out to her.

God has done alot for me, in the way of forgivness, if you should be mad at anyone, be mad at the spouse that wondered, then be mad at yourself a bit too, there are two sides to every story. But in the end, its not worth the time and brain power to hate.

I really hope it does because I know it's not healthy or productive. I guess it just takes time to heal.

Bugsmom, I think I remember your post on that phone call and I remember being so impressed with how you handled it!
I also like how you are focusing on not being driven by that feeling, but recognizing that the feeling is still there.

I know my feelings of hate towards her are fading, with the exception of monster spikes every few days. What I don't see ever happening is any empathy ever being directed her way.

I just started reading a "Return to Love" and it got me thinking about how to live with love, not fear. But in this situation I think its important first and foremost to love yourself and by moving that person from my thoughts as much as I can is a loving thing to do for myself. If I can recognize the feelings I have for her as a fact and not as a daily experience I hope I will have more peace.

Thanks again, everyone, for your posts on this. It really helped me get some perspective!

SWEEEEEET!!!

That little tid-bit of info has to be PRICELESS on days when you're feeling down or just need a little pick-me-up.

I hope you let your OM know that YOU KNOW this info ... gives you a reason to "smile" at him every other weekend.

Yeah, it was a while after it happened I found out. Funny thing is I found out from the XW. She told me, I was like OMG!!!!

Then the little kid in me laughed his little booty off.

Yeah so, what comes around, does in fact go around.



When she found out my current wife and I were seperated, she called me wanting to hook up?!?!?!

They will never learn.... and EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

Did I mention I hate the OW?

She took my husband, broke up my family, destroyed my belief in faithfulness, killed my self-esteem, tore out my heart, stomped the innocence from my children, messed with my physical and mental health, etc. And now I'm a single parent left to clean up the mess and try to restore some normalcy while WH and bimbo play out of town every weekend and spend our money.

Yes, WH contributed in a big way. But -- come on -- OW set her eyes on a married man who should have been off-limits in the first place. She's played the game many times before. And now she's won the prize. She should be proud of her accomplishment. Add this to her resume!!!

I hate her.

Yes, I am very, very angry. And I know that's not healthy, but I'm tired of being nice in Plan A and not venting in Plan B. I guess I'm in Plan FU since yesterday I called WH an A-hole for causing this destruction. I told him how I can't stand the fact that he's got us in deep debt spending so much money on he and OW with trips, gifts, dinners, etc. while I've continued to live frugally. He said he was sorry for everything, but the words "I'm sorry" has no meaning to me. I guess I finally hate him, too.

But I hate her more and more every day.