I can’t be the only one going through this. Well, I hope I’m not.

That sounded bad. Anyway...

My job is detail-oriented, in an engineering-related field. Forget one little thing, and it can cost the company big bucks.

I was thrust into my current position about 3 weeks after d-day. It was a minimal promotion as far as salary, but a huge increase in responsibility. I didn't want it, but I didn't have a choice if I wanted to stay employed.

I made some fairly small mistakes here and there, and I thought it was just a part of learning the new job.

Now, 2 1/2 years after d-day, I'm still making those stupid mistakes, and they are getting more costly.

It's like I have a learning disability, or brain damage. I have to be told over and over how to perform certain tasks, and I can still find a way to screw them up.

I'm no Einstein, but I used to feel like I was an intelligent person. Now, I feel like the dumb guy in the office. I feel like a liability.

I really think the shock of d-day, plus all of the intense negative emotions since then, have done something to my mind. Just what I need on top of everything else. It is really disheartening.

Thoughts? Experiences?

I find my mind wandering from time to time when I am at work ALONE. When I work with a partner I keep on task better.

My D-Day of an EA was 10/2/08. 32 days after our wedding! I haven't been able to function since. I could use some advice too.

Are you getting any support from your spouse?

It is lack of focus. When we encounter the shock of the A and then have a WS, it debilitates.

Since this started last summer, I have trouble functioning including work. I get through the bare minimum and forget things.

I have no passion with my job and not much else either. Some days are a little better and I try to keep most of my energy for my family and to be strong.

I understand exactly how you are feeling.

Hi Krazy,

I wouldn't say my H's affair made me "dumb," but it sure did work the dam dam on my self image/self esteem. And the flood of negative emotions certainly muddied my mind for many, many months. Add depression to post-traumatic shock, and you have...

one messed-up BS.

We are now more than 2 1/2 years post D-Day too (and recovering well). My view of myself has (mostly) returned largely because of the self-examination I've done. I made a lot more progress on that once FWH and I established a "safe" environment to explore.

Do you feel like you're in a "safe" environment in your M right now?

Right Here Waiting

You're not. I don't know of anyone who didn't experience this to some degree.

It's a major psychological trauma. I have seen it rated by mental health professionals as being the psychological equivalent of being raped or having a child die. And if your case is like most of the ones around here, it is the gift that keeps on giving.

Krazy

I can relate to what you speak of. I think it is more of a shift in focus. A great deal of energy goes in to examining the minutiae of the A, of assessing whether or not you and the M is still under attack. Your psyche is running a marathon, dude. Its only normal to be exhausted.

2.9 years into recovery and I can say that work wise, I am back on my game although I have noticed I am far less emotionally intelligent. Its much more difficult for me to express how I feel about things, whereas pre A, I was on the money, all the time.

I relate to the loss of focus, attention and confidence comments. Pre D-day, I ran an organization with more than 900 employees and did it well. Right after D-day, it took me 4 days just to get a window cleaned to get our house ready to sell. Nearly 10 months post D-day, I don't feel confident skiing anymore. I was an expert skiier pre D-day. I used to be nearly fearless and now I don't feel safe anywhere anymore. Definitely has changed my life and my very core.

AM

I have been barely functional for a year. Paralyzed. Can barely concentrate or get much of anything done. If I was not self-employed in a one-man shop, I would have been fired months ago. I probably should have fired myself. I am thankful for a passive income I spent 18 years building, but it won't last forever.

It's no wonder my wife thinks I've developed a mental disorder or had a nervous breakdown. Being a man, it's difficult to admit. We're not supposed to let this kind of thing bother us or else we're "weak." We're supposed to be emotionally and mentally strong. We get over things and move on, right?

Look up the symptoms for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and/or Betrayal Trauma. You will see yourself.

Thanks. I'll do that.

I know something snapped inside on d-day.

Yeah I can totally relate. I lose concentration mid sentence a lot more than I used to. It kinda scared me a little. I thought am I slowly losing it because of stress or something?

I forget things much more. The only funny part, which isn't really funny but the kids and I have a laugh is I am pronouncing words wrong ALL THE TIME, its freaky. But now DD17 has a list in her cell phone that she daily adds my new words to. We just look at each other and laugh and think whats that???

Its like you when you need to focus you can't and when you are focused its NOT on what you want to be focusing on. LOL

Difficult for BW's to admit they couldn't hang on to their husbands too. Humiliating, in fact.

But both genders can benefit from counseling. Women are much more likely to get it, though. (Maybe all those years of gynecological exams and birthin' babies has worn down our false pride...)

Your comment about your wife saying you have a mental disorder or had a nervous breakdown.......this should be added to the Wayward Spouse fog talk list!! I heard all of this and more!

I don't think BS's get less intelligent. In my own experience I recognized 3 things that led to mistakes.

First, I just had other things on my mind.

Second, I just didn't care about my work. All I mean was that the main motivator I had for working was to be able to provide for myself and my family and my future dreams and all of that was sort of shattered. So basically, I had a period of time where I didn't even know if I wanted to work.

Finally, I lost confidence in my decision making. Sort of felt like "Gee, I was wrong about everything else, so I'm probably wrong about this." That led to second guessing and then errors.

Krazy,

I don't know about you, but I feel like I am operating at about half capacity, maybe less. It is a good thing that I am in a job that i know how to do well, doesn't require a lot of attention to detail but rather more strategic vision, and that it is a job where I have built up some credibility over time.

That is the only way I have been able to function. I am finding however, with the passage of time that I am adding maybe 1-2% capability back with each passing month.

Hope that helps.

i couldn't agree more. i think the focus shifts, and motiviation and confidence are lost. stress also causes mistakes.

I was in engineering before...I know what you mean. It is still early for me. I could not function properly first few weeks because i took it real hard. But I am bouncing back. I am actually more alert now than I was before. Working on myself may have made a difference too.

Intelligence ? I wonder if there is any impact on that.

You say you have been this way for all 2.5 years or is it improving ever so slightly ? That's awfully long time. Did you forgive your xWW ?

Yeah, it's a little better now than it was 2.5 years ago.

No, I have not forgiven my FWW.

I can sure relate to that ... I don't have the vocabulary to explain it, but something definately SNAPPED, and I'm no longer the same person.

If they gave an award for "NOT GIVING A SHI!T", I'd have a trophy case full.

O.M.G.

I was just thinking about this yesterday. Here's what *I* did yesterday.

I wore my pants inside out. All day. At work. I really did.

I am guessing no one noticed. My boss is definitely one who would have said something if he had noticed.

All day, I kept running my hand over my pants, thinking that they felt very "pilly" and wondering why. Duh. I even looked online to buy some new ones. But I did not look ayt the pants I was wearing until 10:30 P.M.

I. Was. Mortified.

PTSD. I have been aware for some time that I am being affected like this.

It did give me a laugh though. Hope it does you too.