2/8/08 was the first day of my affair. That date is fast approaching. I cringe thinking about the date for many reasons but what I am asking for is advice on how to comfort my H on this day? What can I do to make this day as comfortable for him as possible. I do know that this will be a very hard day for him. We have started to talk a little bit about the day but I am wanting to help him through the day and don't know how.

lindz0225

So good that you are even AWARE of this, and how it affects your H. AND that you and he are talking about it.

Hope you are reiterating how very sorry you are for violating your vow, and for the awful pain you caused him. A BS cannot hear too many heartfelt apologies.

That said, have you and he been following the MB program, or at least seeing a good marriage counselor? One year out is still very hard on a BS--but if you've not had a PLAN to recover the love you had for each other, including knowing and meeting each other's needs, his pain will fester indefinitely.

What have you done to assure him you will NEVER do this to him again? I don't mean TELLING him you won't (he learned your words meant nothing), but putting in place specific extraordinary precautions to SHOW him you are defending the boundaries YOU put around your marriage.

For example,
"I will never talk about personal issues with another man."
"I will never offer emotional "help" to another man."
"I will tell my H right away whenever I am attracted to another man."

Maybe a long list of the ways you intend to protect your marriage, tucked into a card that proclaims your love, would be a good gift on Feb 8. Maybe during a special romantic dinner...OVERWRITE the MEANING of this tragic day with something special that only the two of you share.

Just what I would've liked my FWH to do.

Right Here Waiting

I gather he would welcome a polygraph. Would you set it up?

Great idea, Imagine! Whether she has come completely clean or not. (How could he be SURE?)

2/7/08 is the start date for my WH's affair and even though I am in Plan B, I am dreading the date. He may not be dreading it as much since you seem remorseful and want to work on the marriage, but I can understand how hard it is when one has the specific date.
What if you asked him what would be meaningful to him?

We aren't one year out yet, but we've already talked about how to handle that anniversary. FWH and I are choosing to look at it like that was the first day of our new marriage and new life together. I'm not familiar with your sitch and if R has been long and drawn out, which would make that harder to handle.

We'll see how I actually feel come July 3rd.

I hope this isn't a thread hijack, but it is relevant.

My wife didn't have the traditional "affair" with sex and strong emotional attachment, etc. She "only" had a 4-day email fling with her ex-fiance with whom she had sex for 2-3 years before I met her. So, maybe not as painful and tragic as many here.

Anyway, December 17, 2007 was the day I discovered their emails to each other. In one of the emails to him, my wife referenced and quoted lyrics to the Dan Fogelberg song "Same Old Lang Syne" and talked about she had prayed they could accidentally run into each other like those lovers in the song.

I was dreading the anniversary of that day as it approached this Christmas season. On the morning of, I took my daughter to the dentist. As I sat in the waiting room, wouldn't you just know it, over the office radio speakers comes "Same Old Lang Syne." Cruel coincidence. I pretty much lost it. My daughter came out as the song was going off. Somehow she didn't notice the tears in my eyes and I was able to get myself together.

ETA, just acknowledging the day and telling him you know it will be painful is a huge start. Whatever emotions he has - sadness, anger, withdrawal - let him have them. Reassure, reassure, reassure him of your love and respect for him and that you will do everything in your power to erect and maintain boundaries in your personal life so that this will never happen again. You're probably already doing those things, but on this day it will probably mean a lot more.

Must have been something in the air last February. My A last year also started 2/7/08.

BF, I realize you're in Plan B, but what would be meaningful to you on the anniversary, coming from your WS? Would you want the anniversary aknowledged and talked about, would you rather not talk about it, would you prefer something completely off the cuff to take your mind off of it, would you want to spend time alone?... I want to say something to my H, but I'm afraid if it appears that I'm dwelling on it, that H will too.

Ah. Just dug around through lindz' other thread, and her BH's.
Very telling.

He is convinced she has not come clean.
She refuses to take a poly.

The game is still on. No recovery gonna happen here till she ponies up.

As a BH, I agree no amount of apologies is good enough.

Something you might want to consider. Read up on 5 Languages of Apologies and find out which one your husband speaks or understands or wants you apology in. When in doubt use more than one.

Buy a nice card and write the apology. Surprise him the night before the d-day or first thing in the morning.

You know this is what is right lindz but will you do it?

I don't think you have it in you.

Exactly, she has avoided discussing a polygraph like the plague, and remains very foggy.

She "TALKS" about wanting to help her BH, but refuses to take the necessary "ACTIONS" to actually do it.

Well, I've enjoyed sharing thoughts with all of you, but it seems we're singing to an empty concert hall.

Wondering if poor gp will ever the truth...

Uh...stop manipulating him with your lies?!?!

You do realize Lindz that your continued lying is strictly a way for you to manipulate your husband?

It is your way of keeping him like a puppet with you pulling all the strings so he does what you hope?

I know you justify it by saying to yourself that you are 'protecting him' but we all know that's a lie. You are protecting yourself.

Lying about affairs always struck me as the most horrible form of torture one 'loving' spouse could impose on the other after discovery.

I always imagined the betrayed like a rabbit in a cage and the liar poking the poor creature with a sharp prod. Little rabbit has no chance.

I have not refused to a poly. Yes, I have stated reasons why I don't think right now is a good time but I have not refused a poly. I told my husband if he wanted me to take one then I would.

M A N I P U L A T I O N

of another human being is disgusting.

Of your SPOUSE is an abomination beyond words.

These are just "WORDS" ... you want to really help your BH ... take some "ACTION". You "SAY" you want to do something special for your BH on this anniversary day ... then actually take some positive "ACTION" and schedule the polygraph for that day and "GIVE" it to him as a token of your commitment to him and the M.

That is ... UNLESS you're still lying to him about the details. In that case, I'd advise you to come clean prior to the actual polygraph.

Where does Dr. Harley talk about a polygraph as being the only source to trusting again? Where does he discuss it at all?

MY WW brought up the issue, we talked about it, and she agreed to take one if I wanted it.

This issue is difficult enough for both of us without brow beating. Can anyone else offer HELPFUL suggestions to deal with the emotions that are likely to surface in the next week for us?

gp,

You're asking for HELPFUL suggestions. What folks have written on this thread is meant to be helpful, but you're perceiving it as "brow beating." We don't spend time on these boards simply to harrass people, believe me.

You have posted on your own thread that you do NOT believe you have gotten the whole truth from your wife about her affair. As a result, you are unable to heal while she conceals the truth. Par for the course--we've ALL been there.

Of COURSE, even if you do not require the incontrovertible proof a polygraph would give you that she's told you everything, your need for the truth will never go away, and you will not recover your marriage.

If lindz will answer ALL your questions truthfully, AND if you can handle the truth, you will be able to get past the awful place you are now.

But ONLY if.

You can try it some other way, but it will not work. Read around these boards and you'll see for yourself.
Real people. Real marital devastation. Real solutions.

Right Here Waiting