Sorry I've been away friends, very busy. I haven't been able to read alot of your posts but I'll try to catch up on them. <P>Here's my question / situation:<P>My wife came back as I've said but it feels like it's more of a roommate instead of a wife. She stayed out after work the other day till 1:30am and generally doesn't do anything around the house. She does not apologize for this behavior or think anything is wrong with it. I have not complained and I've actually tried to pick up her slack although this is making huge withdrawls from the ol bank!<P>I spoke to the counsler on the phone to set up another session and after speaking for a while on the phone he asked / (pondered out loud) the possibility that she may have ADD. He thought this may explain some of her behavior and wants to do some one on one with during next session without letting her know about his suspiscions (sp) of course.<P>My question: Does this seem likely? Is it an excuse? If she does have ADD and finds out will she use it as a crutch? Should I be more forgiving? What do I do in general?<P>Note: My son has Autism and her side of the family has multiple mental "oddities". Genetic?<P>Thanks for any input.

I have ADD and it is not an excuse, especially if she doesn't even know she has it. ADD will make you forget things, misplace things, etc. It's not done on purpose. Try and be patient, at least until you talk to the doctor and find out for sure.

Paul - You better catch up on the posts, you promised you'd give mne a read and I just up dated it today. <P>Ok, now for you. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My wife came back as I've said but it feels like it's more of a roommate instead of a wife.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>This was exactly the way things were with me for a long time. I think it's normal. You certainly can't expect to be husband and wife again any time soon. I set out to be friends again first. That took me a while. This is going to take a long time Paul. I know you are up for it too.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>She stayed out after work the other day till 1:30am and generally doesn't do anything around the house. She does not apologize for this behavior or think anything is wrong with it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>As Chris said in one thread, been there, done that, saw the movie, and bought the T-shirt. I think this is common too. She was used to some freedom and she still wants some. The betrayer is self absorbed and pulling them back is slow going. My suggestion is talk, talk, talk. Start dating again. And did I mention talking to her. Talk abaout everything and anything. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have not complained and I've actually tried to pick up her slack although this is making huge withdrawls from the ol bank!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I feel as though I am reading my own thoughts from several months ago. Don't complain. Keep loving her unconditionally right now. Put your needs on the shelf, give them a good dusting every now again, it going to be a while before she will want to think about your needs. It's hard Paul. But, you are going to bcome very strong and very loving through this.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My question: Does this seem likely? Is it an excuse? If she does have ADD and finds out will she use it as a crutch? Should I be more forgiving?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>No, yes, maybe, yes. I think the way she is acting is completing in line with a woman heading into withdrawal. I'm afraid to say withdrawal is going to tax you more than what you have already been through. Things will be absolutley great one minute and worse than you can imagine the next. Hang on for the ride because it does get better a little bit at a time. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What do I do in general?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Lots of Plan A. No love busting. Start dating. Talk a lot. And give loads of non-sexual touch (my wife absolutley loves that I'm sure yours will too). And don't forget to talk a lot (I know I keep saying that, but conversation is the key to becoming friends again. Add non-sexual touch through hair, back, and foot rubs and in time she will be spending more time with you!). <P>SHA<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited October 19, 1999).]

Paul, missed you. I have dealt with a lot of ADD in children. Do you know what it is? Could it be a possiblity? yes Can she use it as a crutch? People will use anything so why not. Will she? I don't know. Can it run in the family? yes. Let me know what you know about ADD and I will go from there in explaining what it is and how to deal with it. <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

I think SHA has been there and is giving great input.<P>I like the part about putting your needs on the shelf, and dusting them off every once in a while. Until you know your wife is 100% committed, you can't really get to the 4 basic concepts. (Honesty, POJA, Emotional needs, and no lovebusting).<P>You just keep doing your share of the 4 concepts, and keep praying. You will come through okay.<P>TNT

Paul Moyers, <P> I am the mother of a child with ADHD- very simular to ADD except not hyper active. This is NO CRUTCH! It is difficult as a person with ADD to understand some of the social "rules" to abide by. Not intentionally doing things, but doing them because the impulse is so strong that the person has NO WAY OF CONTROLLING themselves. The person with ADD may be the kindest, most honest and most mis-understood person in the world, and not even know what they did wrong, if they did wrong, or why they did wrong. She must have tried VERY hard for most of her life to conform to society and you should give her credit for attempting to do the right things she has done in the past, with this problem.<BR>Do some major reading! ADD is not a crutch, no matter what people say. It is controllable with medication at times. But do the time to do the reading, life will get better for both of you, if you do what's necessary for yourselves. Good luck and may God Bless you!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

Sorry guys (SHA) for not being up to date on the posts, I will catch up this evening, and reply in more detail to your replies.<P>My Super is riding me about goofing off with you guys too much hehe<P>But I'll catch up, promise.

Paul, <BR>there's a post under Why Woman leave their men called the gym, self image and destruction of marriage by traveler. There's an additional post by Francis you may find interesting. She had a number of mental problems in her family too.

Paul- SHL makes a lot of sense. He's been there and back. I think you've just got to keep working and wait it out.<P>AFA ADD is concerned, I'm not so sure it's an acceptable excuse. Right now, you'll just have to work, wait and see.<P>Good luck to you. Keep up the good work. I'm counting on you as one of the "success stories"!<P>Lori

Dear Paul Moyers:<BR>My husband has ADD, just recently found out about 2 months ago. He is on medication and is doing fine. Just like Pondvj said, sometimes the person doesn't even know they have it. My husband had it most of his life and just got diagnosed. There are some readings about ADD on the internet. It mostly occurs with children and male adults. But, I am not saying that it can't happen with females. The thing is, if she does have it, be patient. It isn't fun as my husband always says. If she does have it, find out for sure, and read as much as you can about it. The more you know about something, the better you can be helpful to your wife and to understand would be a great benefit to her from you.

Dear Paul Moyers:<BR>My husband has ADD, just recently found out about 2 months ago. He is on medication and is doing fine. Just like Pondvj said, sometimes the person doesn't even know they have it. My husband had it most of his life and just got diagnosed. There are some readings about ADD on the internet. It mostly occurs with children and male adults. But, I am not saying that it can't happen with females. The thing is, if she does have it, be patient. It isn't fun as my husband always says. If she does have it, find out for sure, and read as much as you can about it. The more you know about something, the better you can be helpful to your wife and to understand would be a great benefit to her from you.

P.S. forgot to tell you that it is genetic, but that autism does not play a roll, or at least I have not heard of that. I have been in the special education field for 21 years and never heard of the two to interact. But, as for genetics...yes.