How do you get past some of the hurtful things that WS's tell you. I met my WW for dinner this evening and she told me that she feels like a prisoner in her own home. That is because our DD(15) has been texting her asking if she is with the OM. She said, that she doesn't have to answer to her children. I didn't LB, but I so badly wanted to say, why don't you act like an adult then. She said, that I come home every evening and I am not staying out to midnight, like she is doing us a favor. I calmly explained that the girls are more sensitive to her whereabouts since she left us for a week.

Of course, she is mad that I exposed her A and that should have been kept between us. I said, that I am sorry she felt that way but the children deserved to know the truth. Of course, all of this is damaging our chances of reconciliation and driving her towards a D. I told her that it was her decision because I am still fighting to save our M. I said in our state we have to be separated one year before we can get a D because we have children. Totally clueless.

What bother me the most is she said, the children can find a "new" mom. Like we can go to the mall and pick one out a new one. The children don't need her, that they only need me. I told her, if anything the children need your more now especially young teenage girls. Of course, it was like water off a ducks back.

I am really trying to work on Plan A but it is getting harder everyday. I am starting to really dislike the person she has become and find it harder to realize that she is in a "fog". How do you cope? Or do you just go to Plan B to protect what love is left?

Use this to your advantage.

Only about three poster's will agree with me but use your wife's 'fog' to get the kids.

She doesn't give a crap about them....you better.

You can always reconcile after you've protected the innocents!

I read your post....it's like a mirror.

Staying in the house.....same
Prisoner.....same


Is your W still in the A?

How do you cope?
The person you are dealing with is an alien rite now....easy to say....hard to understand unless you live it!

I agree!!

Trust me, the girls are the most important things in the world to me. I can accept the crap she tells me about not loving me for years or I married my best friend. It is really hard when she wants to throw away her own children. It really angers me and I want to tell her so badly that she doesn't deserve to be their mother.

Carp, sorry to hear that you are in the same boat. Nobody deserves the pain that our WS's are causing.

Yes, she is still in the A, but she won't stop sneaking off to see the OM. Of course, what is going on between us has nothing to do with him.

I understand she is an alien but it gets harder each day.

You do understand this is CLASSIC FOGBABBLE that every wayward says to justify their affair? And I bet you can produce evidence to the CONTRARY and I bet she never mentioned this before her affair, right?

What is happening here is she is rewriting history to accommodate her affair. She needs to diminish your marriage to justify her affair.

And how do you know its bullcrap? The solution, obviously, to falling out of love is not have an affair, but to RECOVER THE MARRIAGE. If that was really the problem she would be doing that. She ain't.

When her affair ends and you recover the marriage, she won't be saying that.

Nothing to do with him....same

Like Mel said it's all BS fog speak!!
My WW told me the exact date our M was over! Between that day and D-day we..... Had family parties
Went on vacations
Went on dates
Had sex
Slept in the same bed
Remodeled a bathroom

You get the picture!!

I am the BS here as well and have the same question. How do I continue to cope with what WH say's. They are hurtful things that make me wonder if our 17 year M meant anything. He had 4 mo affair and said to be inlove with her. The night we told our 8 yr old daughter we were getting a D she took it very hard and he ended up staying home. Now, I am dealing with his withdrawl, depression etc. He still tells me that the only reason he's home is for the sake of our daughter. But also is willing to go to MC. He continues to tell me that he feels like he has one foot out the door and one day our daughter will be an adult (10 years) and he feels like he would leave then. What do I do??? Continue to fight for a marriage he doesn't want or give up?? I am soooo torn up I can hardly think straight anymore. I don't know what to do.

Forthelove,

Whatever you do, do NOT go to MC with a still-wayward spouse. They agree to go primarily as part of the "fence-sitting" or "cake-eating" ("have their cake and eat it too...") process.

They do it to placate you and to convince you (and them) that the M is over, they "can't get their feelings back", and they should be with the affair-partner (AP). It gives them emotional and social "cover" to say "...see, I/we tried counseling and it didn't work! That proves I should be with (the AP)". Whether spoken or unspoken, it is part of the rationalization process that it is OK to continue the affair cause the marriage is/was "over anyway".

Most counselors worth their salt will REFUSE to marriage counsel with a spouse who is actively affairing--because it is USELESS (95%+ of their emotional energy is directed towards the AP) and because the WS is in denial about the affair's role in destroying the marriage. No matter what the problems or discontents in the marriage before, the affair is what causes its destruction, NOT the other way around!

I did MC with my WW (not knowing she was having an A at the time). Predictably, it was a waste of time and money and only gave her an excuse to justify ending the marriage to continue her affair. She avoided making appointments (always "so busy at work"), showed up late several times, and evaded any real discussions about forgiveness and rebuilding US. It was all an act and she lied to our MC throughout by blaming her emotional withdrawal exclusively on me rather than confessing to an AP being involved. She even lied to the MC about a trip she wanted to take ("to clear her head and think about US"). The real motivation was to be with HIM.

After several months of secretive fence-sitting, she just quit going..especially as our MC was trying to get her to deal with some of HER issues. The heat got a little too hot for her and she bailed, filing 6 weeks later.

Much later, after finding out the full history of the affair, I went back (solo obviously) to the MC and dicussed this. He was shocked to hear how much he had been lied to and told me that he would never have worked with her if he had known (for the above obvious reasons).

Tell your WH that MC is for RECONCIALTION, not AFFAIR-JUSTIFICATION and that you won't go until he ends the affair and goes to NC with his mistress. Don't do what I naively did...

Yeah, MC is maybe not the best idea right now. The WW and I went to a MC for about 2 months and he tried to stop the A and then last week he told her that she wasnt wanting to stop it and get better so that would be our last meeting. Then he told her that when the A was over and she wanted to work on the M to come back and see him.

I went because it helped me a great deal, WW just twisted his words to best suite her.

SDCWman,
Thank you so much for your advice. He has ended the affair. I found out about the affair on Jan 6, he ended it on the 9th, they continued contact on and off for a few days and then it stopped for about a week. He relapsd and had a minute conversation with her on the 22nd and that was the last of it. I know he's still in the withdrawl stage and is now showing symtoms of depression. He has admitted that the A was a mistake and apologized for it. But now he's saying things like "I have one foot out the door". He tells me he loves me but also tells me that he is now feeling resentment and anger. Which I knew that would be coming from reading the info on MB website. Thank God for all the info on here. I would have lost it by now. My dilema is do I continue fighting or not with all the things he's saying. I've read that i'm supposed to be the best wife I can be now to win him back but it's getting really hard to do so when the punches seem to keep coming. What do you think??

forthelove, does he work with the OW? Your signature says:


he can't possibly be in withdrawal if he sees her everyday at work. Does he see her at work every day?

Mel,
No he has transfered and does not see her.

whew! Good deal!

Mel,
I noticed your profile says recovered 8 yrs. About how long did it take before you noticed any progress? How did you cope?? What helped you stay in the fight?

ftl, the only reason I allowed my WH to stay is because he tried so hard to make it up to me. I was pretty terrible to him the first year, but after that my anger subsided and our marriage got better and better every year. The most dramatic improvement came from going to a MB weekend, though. We did well before that; we did GREAT afterwards.

Do you have Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley?

Mel,
Yes, I have started reading. I get mixed signals from him. Sometimes he seems ok and others very distant and keeps talking about leaving.I just wish he would read with me. He only asks about what I've read on occassion. The reason he stayed is because when we told our daughter about getting a D, she took it expremely hard. 45mts of sobbing and millions of questions. I told him to tell her why (because of the other woman) and she displayed anger towards him. That is what about killed him (and what made me feel rage towards her) Sometimes the more I read the more confussed I get. Some say to spend time with him during the withdraw some say stay away.