Just wanted to introduce myself. I have been visiting this site for quite a while but just registered today. Not sure what took me so long to join....LOL. I have been following alot of the posters stories and am amazed at the support here and the power of letting God be in control of our situations......which is not always an easy thing for me.

I am a 43 yr old SAHM with 2 daughters. My wh & I were married in 1991. In July 2007, he left the marital home because he decided that he'd rather have a girlfriend instead of a wife. He has been living with the OW for the past 19 months. I was willing to reconcile but it takes two people and he was not interested. He wanted me to file for divorce but I told him that if he was man enough to have an affair he needed to be man enough to finish what he started. I didn't want him telling our girls one day that "mom divorced me" because of the affair. In April 2008, I was served with divorce papers. We are still going thru the D process. I never thought that this was how my life would turn out after 17 yrs.

Sorry you are here.

Nice to meet you Melody. I like your name. Yes, I am sorry I am here too.

I did have a few questions which I forgot to ask on my original post. How am I supposed to move on? I feel like I only know how to be a wife and mother.....which is perfectly fine except that I'm not wanted as a wife any longer. How do you stop blaming yourself?

Hi faith, you have faith I have hope like in our names.

I am in the same sitch as you. I want the M but H has never looked back. Sheriff tried to serve D papers today and I never answered. My H left 10/08, but I still have love for him for now and have recently done no contact for the past 2 weeks. I also have 2 D's, one home and one on her own.

Does your kids see their H and do they go around the OW. My D15 has not seen her father since 12/22 -- her choice. This has really ripped our family apart. How sad.

Take care. This board is a great resource

We make a good team Hope I can so relate to not being home when the sheriff stopped by...if I was home I would have been served on my sister's birthday (which I did not want to happen since my sister had passed away 6 months earlier and I didn't want the memory of being served on her b-day) As it turned out I was served the next day but at least I was in control sort of)

My girls do see their father. In the beginning there was a court order that the paramour (I love that word) could not be present when the girls were with their dad. After time, the girls counselor felt that a gradual increase would be ok. Now the girls spend every other weekend over there. (my wh is living in the ow house) In our final parenting time agreement, there is a clause that says they can't sleep in the same bed or bedroom while the girls are present (unless they are married) My lawyer said I am the first client in his firm to have a clause with that specific wording in it. I don't want my girls to think that their father's new lifestyle is appropriate. I simply told them that married people do NOT have a gf or bf. I asked my wh if he wanted our girls to be "the other woman" in someone else's marriage someday because "daddy did it".....funny but he didn't have a response for me. My older dd doesn't like the OW at all and my lil dd says they do crafts together.

I am sorry that your DD is not seeing her dad but she knows how she feels and maybe she needs to feel that she has some control in this situation. It is a shame that our spouses actions have caused so much pain to the families they left behind.

I hope was hoping to get some help from those of you that have gone thru this. Thanks

The best thing you can do to kill that affair is to hit him as hard financially as possible.

OW won't like "her" money going to you to support your children.

You need to get support and CS in the LSA immediately.

Are you interested in saving your marriage?

quote=faithfamily]I did have a few questions which I forgot to ask on my original post. How am I supposed to move on? I feel like I only know how to be a wife and mother.....which is perfectly fine except that I'm not wanted as a wife any longer. How do you stop blaming yourself? [/quote]


Faith, first of all you breathe. Somedays that is all you can do. I have some really bad days and other days I manage and feel stronger.
You move on for yourself, your children. Will you have to get a job? I have been H's wife for 21 years and I feel lost most days and not sure where I belong anymore. Should I move, should I stay -- The problem is I feel that I belong with H and he doesn't want me. Right now I stand alone BUT I try and take care of myself everyday and my family.

I think we all blame ourselves to some extent. If I did this, if I did that, if I saw the signs, if I could turn back time.
We can't -- hear those 2x4s :twobyfour: We can't change the past only look to the future. What you have to keep in mind is H is to blame. How many times in your M when we were not happy? Did we go out and have a sleazy A...NO we dealt with it. M are hard and lots of work. Your H, like mine, took the easy route. Easy to start an A, and the effort they should have put into their M they instead give to the OW. But they are bringing their messed up selves into that R and somewhere down the line Bingo -- that R will turn to dust.

Do you still want to save your M.? Have you done a Plan A/Plan B. Have you read the books from Hartley? Read through some of these sitchs. Some have gone through much much worse and survived and reconciled their M. There is alway faith and hope and prayer with God. Malachi 12:6 God hates divorce.

Take care

Thank you all for your imput. It really means alot.

Pariah~ I already have temp support order in place while we are going thru the D process. I know that the OW is not happy with the amount WH has to pay to keep us in the marital lifestyle until D is final (or WH for that matter)

Sexy Mama Bear~ Yes, I do want to save my marriage but WH has no interest. He has told my 2 girls that " he can't wait to divorce me" Nice thing to tell your children

Hope~ Currently I am a SAHM but I will have to get a job eventually. I did Plan A even though WH moved out....he was around the house alot after he first left. My Plan B hasn't been the greatest....but I am trying. It's kinda hard b/c we both go to the girls IC sessions. Usually after the IC the girls counselor talks to us both & so we do interact with her and each other. I try not to ask the girls anything about their dad's house (he lives with OW) except....did you guys have fun? My older DD always comes home & wants to tell me stuff....so I usually try to focus on her & her feelings about whatever she is wanting to share with me.

I am trying to just take this day by day. But changes are coming as I try to decide if I want to stay in the house or not....wh is willing to keep us there (with financial help from me) until older dd gradutes HS in four yrs. I am not sure what is the best choice given the economy etc. I have been trying to Let go & Let God....but sometimes i have a little trouble with that

I am also having some trouble with stbxwh respecting my boundaries. Everytime I try to set some he manages to sneak through. I am refering to the parenting time....he is constantly trying to lure the girls to his house on the weekends that they are with me. He always calls the girls to see what we have planned. If we don't have plans, I sometimes let them go for a while. But I feel like I have to have an itinary set up for the weekend or else he'll say " well you're not doing anyhting anyway." I am not complaining that the wants to see the girls.....that is a blessing. It's just that I'd like my time with the girls to be just that .....MY TIME!

Faith-

Then just don't answer the phone if it's him on your weekends. Plan B is for you- to preserve your love. You're setting a bad precedent by bending your boundaries. The children will spend time with him on HIS time, you get yours. So what if you're not "doing anything." You ARE doing something- you're spending time together! It's none of his business WHAT you're doing!!!! You do NOT have to answer to him, he decided that when he left.

Your boundaries are only enforcable by YOU. You can say NO. YOU can choose to answer the phone or not. Or to just turn the dang phone off.

Don't forget that YOU choose. NOT HIM!!! What you do is none of his business.

Howto Heal~ Thanks so much for your response. I am trying to be firm with my boundaries but sometimes he will call & ask the kids BEFORE he checks in with me. Then I feel bad to say no to them especially if he has a great thing plan and we are "just hanging out" I know....it's my choice. I am staring to learn that NO is a complete sentence.

Faith, have you done Plan A at all?

You move on by letting go and letting G-d. Way harder than it sounds. I learned to ask G-d for EVERYTHING. What to wear, what to eat, I started relying on him instead of me or WH.

I didn't realize how much I was defined by being his wife and a mother. I took it all for granted and made so many mistakes. You mentioned that you read through my thread. Back in Nov 07 when I had to start to really comes to terms with my behaviors with the damage I had caused to the M I leaned on G-d harder and asked HIM for forgivness. It certainly didn't come at once, but over time it has.

We are human, as humans it is natural for us to do the best we can. Life happened, and things happened. I don't know your story and would love to have you post about it. What are you blaming yourself for?

Which brings me back to Plan A. Are you wanting to fight for you M or is it too late for you?

Faith, you never have to apologize for standing up for what's RIGHT in G-ds world. You are dealing with a monster who is selfish, amoral, self-centered and destructive.

It is always painful to take the high road and say NO, what a minute what you are doing is NOT OKAY and I will PROTECT my children as much as the law allows.

We are on a journey to learn new ways. You are becoming aware of how to set boundaries. If it's new to you, the muscle needs to exercise.

Be gentle on yourself. You have suffered a tremendous trauma and it sounds like you have been isolated through the worst of it. You will get there. I didn't believe I could and here I am.