I've been in a relationship for about 6 months now, most of that being on a correspondance level - reason being he's had family issues, we live an hour away from each other, and his brother lost a battle with cancer and he's been traveling. We've met when we could and we do seem to be very compatible, the chemistry is definately there and I am very taken with him.

My question and concern is when is the appropriate time to introduce children into the picture?

Thanks in advance!

Diamond - I had a thread of my own that -sort- of addresses your question. I had a "hard" 6 month boundary of dating my GF before introducing her to my kids.

As we were approaching our 5th month together, I started a thread looking for advice on how to broach the subject with my XW. I didn't want to look like I was trying to boast. I simply viewed it as a courtesy because a new person would be entering our kids' lives.

Anyway, over the course of the thread, some folks suggested not waiting any longer to introduce the GF to my kids. The rationale being that if the kids in the mix ends up being a deal-breaker, you don't want to be too fully entrenched in the R. I went ahead and introduced them all at 5 months, and I made it a very slow, very gradual process. The first time they met, I had a sitter for the kids. It was under the pretense of her picking me up. I had told the kids about her already. I wanted them to put a face to her name, and the same for her side. After that, it was a simple dinner at my house. We worked our way to going out and doing things together. Here's the thread:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2082522&fpart=1

Now here's a crucial difference... Jill and I had been spending a LOT of time together. Basically, when I wasn't with my kids, I was with her except for when one of us had to travel for work, or some other obligation. We had a lot of time to really get to know one another.

I think -THAT- is what's important. I think that too many people on this site put too much emphasis on specific time frames and hard calendar dates, and there's not enough accounting for the quality of that time.

From what you've described, I'd wait until you guys had a few months of steady attention toward one another. Long distance correspondence just isn't an adequate way to really get the full measure of a person.

"suggested not waiting any longer to introduce the GF to my kids. The rationale being that if the kids in the mix ends up being a deal-breaker, you don't want to be too fully entrenched in "

Six months is needed to feel secure that you both want to keep seing each other.

Six months long distance is not six months because of the limited in person contacts.

As for kids being a deal breaker. That's when you tell the new potential BF/GF that you are a single parent up front when you first meet them.

As for the introducing the BF/GF and or the kids right away beacuse they might not like each other has no bearing.

If you haven't dated that six months to a year to know that this is the one. Then you can't rush to bring them together because a single parent does bring lovers in on a revoling door. It sends the wrong message to ther kids.

Road - Please read my thread before trying to use a single brush to paint every situation.

My GF -did- know that I had kids up front. Introducing them into the R dynamic though is a whole 'nother ballgame. I never counseled introducing anyone "right away". Where did you get that??? It's frustrating to be mischaracterized or interpreted incorrectly.

Six months from one R to another can be completely different. There are a LOT of variances and factors to consider including, but not limited to, time spent with the SO each week during those first several months, the maturity level of both people involved, their level of recovery post-divorce, and their own general emotional state.

I think it's a mistake to use absolute statements. I suspect some people here use them because it's comforting after the turmoil they've been through. For some, hard, fast rules = security. That doesn't always make it appropriate though.

Thank you Seabird for your response. I read thru your first post and I see a great amount of similarities. The only reason I was asking about a time frame was because I don't know how the dynamics will be when the kids are introduced to me.

He has kids between the ages of 9 and almost 19. Mine are grown - 20 & 23. I wanted to meet someone with children, ages didn't matter - in this case it's the number of kids. This I knew when we first started corresponding.

The amount of correspondence has been unbelievable as with the content of those. I truly feel he is someone that I could develop a long term relationship with and we have discussed this. He too will make comments and plans that are into the future - which to me is a good sign.

I guess since my kids were older when I divorced (5 years ago), I wasn't sure how the introductions were viewed as in regards to a "time frame". I haven't been in a relationship now for 2.5 years, no one that I dated since my last relationship made it to the 2nd date and with my kids being older, they always met the person I was going out on a date with.

Again, thanks for your imput...I think I just need to ask him as to when he feels he can introduce me, huh?

Well, the only one I'd really worry about is the nine year old. Despite how traumatic it can be for "children" of any age to see their parents date someone other than their other parent, the 19 year old is an adult.

One of the things that often gets neglected in these discussions is how good proper dating can be demonstrated by single parents. It goes beyond simply avoiding the revolving door syndrome that Road alluded to. That is bad thing, no doubt.

But I don't think it's bad for kids to see the truth of the situation either. Mom and dad are going to go out on dates from time to time. It's an opportunity to show them how boundaries can work during the courting cycle as well. Sleeping over at each others' house when the kids are present, trying to bring the children together as friends, playmates, or someday step sibs is all pretty bad.

I have no patience for single parents who try to integrate their SO's and their children into a cohesive unit right away. I worried about my kids getting close to someone else, then losing them if it didn't end up working out.

At this point, my GF and I have been together for nearly a year. Even if we were to split now, my kids might miss her for a bit, but at the very least they'd see that not all relationships end in marriage.

Diamond, I'd definitely advise you to spend more in-person time with this man before trying to integrate the 9 y/o into your dynamic. I do agree with Road that 6 mos of long distance correspondence doesn't mean you've been in an R with him for 6 mos. There's just too much you can't learn over the phone.

How many kids does he have?


Please don't take this the wrong way, but what you are saying here sounds to me a bit like an "internet romance". It's very easy to get addicted to the written word, and it is very easy to make promises or to project an image that do not withstand the test of a real relationship.

Before making plans for the future, or introducing the kids, why not spend some time with him in real interactions. Have you spent several weekends togather, have you gone on trips together, have you done regular day to day things together? Those would be the better predictors of the relationship potential than what is said through the keyboard or phone.

But maybe I am wrong in how much time you have actually spent together, in which case please correct me.

AGG

revolving door; "Sleeping over at each others' house when the kids are present"

As is thecase any one can find a reason to justify having SF with a lover while their kids are in the house.

Hi AGG,
This man has 7 kids. I knew this about 2 weeks into our corresponding. If the kids would've been younger than what they are, I probably wouldn't have been interested as mine are grown. I continued the correspondence because he seemed to be someone that matched me very well -

I think in the beginning it could've been labeled as an "internet romance", but upon meeting him and yes, spending time with him (not a great amount by any means), I'm pretty confident that he is the person he has portrayed himself to be. We actually have plans to go away this weekend together.

I just wasn't looking to get so attached to someone only to find out that I couldn't deal with the kids. I don't see myself as not being able to handle it, I just have never been placed in this kind of situation before...

Wow, quite the handful . Realistically, you don't need to actually meet them to know that a house full of 7 teenagers will be like . What is his custody arrangement?

AGG

Yes quite the handful...I'm guessing that they are all pretty much decent and good kids from our discussions.

But, you can have 2 children (as in a whole different relationship) who are holy terrors and then you could have 7 (in this case) who are so well behaved you don't think twice about the situation. That's my concern. And before I invested too much time with this person, yes, the kids could very well be a deal breaker. I hate saying that because to me that seems shallow, but I've already raised mine and am finally healthy and happy in my life. Really tho with the younger ones, they won't be young forever...9, 11, 13, 15, 16, 17, 18. I'm not scared of the amount of kids, just the dynamics of getting involved with them...

His X has 6 living with her and he has one of his boys (16). She works second shift, so he pretty much sees them every day after school and then has them here and there throughout the week and usually has them all over on an occasional Friday night. It was an amicable divorce and he and the X get along and just work thru visitations.

Holy cow. His grocery bill alone makes me want to faint. And what about college for them???

There is nothing shallow about being concerned with becoming a step parent to 7 children. That will indeed set you back a few years, and moreover, will definitely put a strain on any relationship you would have with their father.

I think anyone who thinks that inheriting 7 teenagers is no biggie is deluding themselves, so I think you are smart to think (and worry) about it.

AGG