I don't post much and never have but I have gotten much valuable information and support on these forums just by reading. D-Day was 05/28/07, my DH immediately went NC, was suicidaly remorseful and has spent the last 20 months making it up to me and being a better H than I ever realized that he was capable of. I truly believe that our M is fully R and even better than the previous 13 years.

That said, I am not sure that I will ever fully recover or at least be the same person that I was pre A. I have been reading alot of posts lately where BSs remain angry, bitter, unforgiving and obsessed after years of "R." That is not the case with me. I have forgiven him. I hold no animosity toward OW, who is a pathetic creature who broke no vows with me and learned nothing from this horrible experience. I trust but verify which is new for me. I was blindsided by this A. I suspected nothing and did not even feel DH was capable of it.

There is a melancholy in me that becomes almost overwhelming some days. I am anxious about small things. I am needy. I am beginning to think this may be a permanent change in me.

Thoughts?

God's Blessings,

Say

I can say that I was just about on par with your emotional spectrum at 20 months.

Yes, it did improve for me. I am very much at peace with our history.

I know what you mean. My D-Day was just 2 days ago 2-2-09. I feel so anxious and I can not sleep. I wonder if I will ever feel good again? I think it is like when my mom died suddenly and it took me a long time to get over her death when I was 32. I am now 46 and wonder what is normal? It is always changing and I have learned that I have to be positive and enjoy what I have and what I am going through at the time and not take anything for granted. I also never thought he could do this. Yesterday was the first day after the reveal and he was so kind and loving and I saw the person I fell in love with over 27 yrs ago. I know I should have some feeling toward OW but I do not. I stayed up all night Monday and went through every emotion but now I am not angry and I have forgiven him. Good luck with your R. May God bless you and your M.

Thanks Pepper!

It is so good to hear from someone who has truly made it through to the other side.

God's Blessings,

Say

My take on this is, why would you want to be the same?

I don't want to be the same. I have things I need to work on for myself, and I need to let God back into my life and turn all this BS over to him to deal with. If I do not change then nothing will change.

So NO, I don't want to be even remotely the same.

I am so sorry that you have to be here kk26. You are in a good place. Your emotions will run the gamut in the next year or so. Please read everything that you can get your hands on here. Don't forgive too soon and DON'T set the bar for recovery too low. Many WS here has been wonderful, kind and loving while taking the A further under ground. Was a NC (no contact) letter sent? Did he answer all of your questions? Make sure that he complies with everything that you will read about here.

God's Blessings,

Say

H & I have recently been in couples counseling to help resolve some joint parenting issues. It may suprise you that we have not mentioned H's past A, not one time. It is no longer revelent to our current dilemmas and/or problem solving issues.

We all grow as life happens. That kind of stagnation would be unhealthy. I am not saying that I have not learned much from this ordeal but I liked who I was pre A. God was and is the center of my life. Anxiety and a lack of confidence are not good changes.

God's Blessings,

Say

I agree with you say. I know i have become a different person since the A, some of which i like, most of which i do not.

Currently, since I have found N.C. broken. I dont even know if we are in recovery, false recovery, or what. My emotions are all over the place.

But I do know this.

I do not want to be the same.

I got to the point a long time ago where I realized that I could only completly trust a handfull of people. One of those people was my WW. Through this I have learned that was a very large gap in my personell armor. I now know I can only trust one human in this world, my own mother. And I only trust her not to dileberatly harm me.

I also know I will never love any human as completly as I loved my wife Pree-A. (with the exeption of my childrene). No human could or should ever deserve such unconditional love. It's bad for the person who loves them that much, and it is bad for the person being loved that much.

Will I trust again, yes to some extent but not completly.

Will I love again, sure. I love my WW this very second, but never as completly as before.

Pardon me for being blunt.

Anxiety sneaks in when we don't trust God.

I recognize it from my own journey.

Indeed! God relieves me when the anxiety sneaks in but I was never an anxious person pre-A. Those are the things that I wonder if they will ever go away. As the great apostle Paul said, "For what I will to do I do not practise but what I hate, that I do." At least I am in good company.

God's Blessings,

Say

The things that I lost that were most precious to me were my playfulness, childlike enthusiasm, feeling safe, and some special memories.

I have regained some of the playfulness, probably because I am not always on edge, worrying over marital recovery, fretting over what I'm doing wrong, if I'm doing anything right, if this is all just for naught and on and on.

One of the statments that my WH made that sticks with me, was not long after Dday#1--he said "You're no fun anymore." That one hurt a great deal, but it was totally true. I was a devastated mess, just trying to keep myself together enough to get out of bed, take care of my kid and get to work. That childlike enthusiasm was gone--kaput. This has not returned as of yet, but I can keep striving for it.

The memories, I fear, are lost forever. I can remember the big things, but not the details. I try not to focus on the loss.

What I have gained is a great deal of knowledge. I know myself very well now, and am unafraid to say what I mean and convey my needs. It helps bring those who are good for me, closer, and keep those at bay who are no good.

My sense of humor is intact, probably more wicked than before. I feel more grown up, more mature, less afraid. I actually have boundaries. I'm less judgmental, more giving, and even less apt to take carp off of anyone.

You win some you lose some.

I never thought of that Silent. Anxious moments are actually few and far between but I think that not feeling safe is my biggest change. I feel like I am now always waiting for the other shoe to drop even though my DH could not try harder to make me feel safe. I guess that nothing he ever does will make me feel totally safe because he is the reason that I don't. Does that make any sense?

God's Blessings,

Say

Nah, the BS will never be the same, whether that's good or bad.

I could handle having the 'reset' button on my brain being pushed, if I could just get rid of the insanity.

Maybe if I could push the button again...

Sure does. Lots.

I suspect that you will feel safER again oneday, as long as your F?WH is consistent in protecting you and your marriage. You may let your guard down much more, and feel normal in your skin again.

For me, I did not recover my marriage, so the source of my angst is removed from my life. I have to deal with financial woes of divorce and such, so that does not help my anxiety levels, but I'm coming to terms with it all and know I will be fine no matter what. I protect myself now. I don't feel like I'm under attack, but I do still have that 'other shoe dropping' mentality.

I'm hoping as I go along, instituting better decision making, better boundaries, I will feel even safer. Truth is, I don't believe you can ever trust anyone fully.

I have extreme trust issues with any woman now and it's over two years later.

I wonder if it's a side effect from the brain injury.

No woman is to be trusted. Didn't you get the memo?

Well i would have to say the same thing about men. How about we just say "no wayward" should be trusted.

I agree.

No human is to be trusted.