Okay, so part of plan A consists of concentrating on yourself to try to look better, feel better about yourself. I am doing that. I have lost 13 lbs, which wasn't too hard considering I couldn't really eat at first anyway. I feel great and am taking much better care of myself, making sure to always look good, even when I am just hangin at home. I have even gone tanning (I know, bad for me) but it makes me look and feel great. Husband has even noticed and commented on how good I look.
Also part of Plan A is being nice to him when he comes over to make him feel wanted, loved, needed. Show him what he is missing right?? This is what I am having a hard time with. How can I be so nice to one that has hurt me so bad?? How can I just act as everything is okay, when its NOT?? I am not okay with this, how can I act as if I am??

Tiny background.....
Been together almost 18 years. Have 2 kids ages 4 and 2. DDay was almost 8 weeks ago. Found out he had been seeing an almost 10 year younger for maybe even as much as a year. For the 1st 6 weeks, I begged, cried and did everything in the book to try to get him to come home to his family. During those 6 weeks he told me on many occasions he wanted to come home but just "wasnt ready yet". He has cried to me, as I have to him. He has taken full blame and agrees he never should have crossed that line. I have on many occasions given him an "out" by saying just tell me you want a divorce or just tell me you dont love me and you love someone else. Everytime he says he doesnt feel that way. 2 weeks ago he told me he had his bags packed to come home but his guilt, and facing my family stopped him. (I'm sure her begging him not to go played a small part in that too) All his stuff is still here. He took very little when he left and whenever he comes he takes nothing else. When he is here he looks all depressed, gazes at the kids, and barely talks to me unless I innitiate conversation.
Today he called and left a message to see if he could come over and watch the kids tomorrow while I work. One part of me want to say FU, do you think thats what a real father does, see his kids for a few hours 1 or 2 times a week. Whoopee you A**HOLE. Oh and he brings them "surprises" when he comes too. Big FN deal! Try taking care of them 24/7 like I do. No you go to work, go "home" and hang out with a 25 year old who lives in her parents basement and leach off them. LOSER!!!!
When he leaves my Daughter says to him "where are you going daddy" and is VERY persistant but he can't give her a good answer. He just says he has to leave. BS!! She is asking me "is daddy sleeping at work?" Because she thinks he is just working alot lately......I don't even know what to tell an almost 5 YO, mainly because I don't even know whats going on myself.
I am so sad, mad, devestated. I just want my family back together. I love him! Why is he doing this?!!!!!

18: sorry you are here. My heart goes out to you!

Question #1 you are going to get from vets here is "have you exposed this affair?"

I'm sure someone with more knowledge than me can post links to exposure techniques and why they are GREAT at ending affairs.

And remember that while your WH is still seeing the OW he will be in the *fog*, and unable to think clearly. It's like an alien snatched your WH and replaced with...well, an alien.

Hang in there. And expose.

You might even want to take steps to protect your assets and your children. And if you haven't done so, start snooping.

If/when he stops seeing her your snooping will help verify there has been no contact (NC).

Hang in there. This is the most difficult part of Plan A -- staying positive while the affair comes to an end.

Well, I guess I haven't "exposed"...
My parents I'm sure think he is seeing someone, cause why else would he just leave.
His parents live clear across the country. Have no clue. He talks to them on the phone from my house and talks all about normal stuff. They dont have a clue. Them I have NO PROBLEM telling and they would probably have the most influence on him. My parents I live right next door though. I am afraid if we do reconcile, they will hold it against him forever and make the situation even more uncomfortable than it is.
Everyone else, friends, OW's family, know.

I guess I'm having a hard time because he is telling me he wants to come home, loves me, blah blah. Not the typical not in love with you speech. When he calls he always ends the message with "I Love you guys"...
I don't get it!!!!!
He is saying one thing, doing another.

Also, does this seem like someone who wants to come back???

You don't get it because it's stupid and you are trying to make sense of stupid.

Reverse babble back to him .... that will de-fuse some of your anger and confuse the stupid wayward

WH says: " I love you guys."

You reply: "That's what they all say."

Feed him foolish replies for every dumb thing he says.

If WH asks: "What does that mean?"

You say : "I know, you're right." (see, you make nonsense out of nonsense)

WH says: "I want to come home."

You reply: "No thanks. You smell terrible."

WH will ask you : "What?"

You say : "You smell of adultery."

WH says: "I am so confused."

You say: "Today is Wednesday. Are you still confused?"

Keep him off balance.

AND - because he has moved out (AKA abandoned you) as soon as possible, change the locks on your home.

He is now a guest. He cannot enter without permission.

Take all his personal crap and put it in plastic bags and store it in the garage or basement.

Buy a brand new frilly bedspread and sleep in the middle of the bed.

If he asks you about that, you say: "You don't live here."


Has WH had a vasectomy?
If not, he's in great danger of fathering an OC.
They all "say" they use condoms, none do.

Seriously - buy that book!

They all act this stupid.
He wants to cake eat - have you waiting at the home hearth while he diddles miss thang.

Part of Plan A is him feeling some consequences.

Read this thread too ....
*link*

Pepperband, you crack me up! Love the "right in your face" replies!

And the "carrot and the stick" thread is GREAT! Wonderful reading.

I am reading.....

Should I let him come visit/watch the kids?
I am guessing I should but not sure?

Oh and he also says........"It's not as good as you think it is".....
WTH does that mean????

What is "not as good as you think it is"???

The sex? The relationship? The cake? The weather? What was he referring to here?

I guess him being "there and not here"........
????????

Here is what I'd like to reply to his message.....

"Sure, come watch the kids, they miss you, actually tonight "sally" asked where you have been sleeping?, at work?. She even pointed out the extra seat at the table for Daddy at "Wendy's" (yes, thats MY night out).

Sorry, I guess I have a problem with "Does Daddy sleep at Work?"

Right now there are no consequences to his actions, so he has no reason to change his behavior.

First thing you must do is expose to his parents. You must then expose to OW's parents.

They're not going to be thrilled with the idea of their daughter seeing a man who is married with children and whose wife has called about him having an affair with their daughter. Believe me, if they have an ounce of decency they will not let him in their home again.

You must then, after exposing, put all his stuff on the front porch or front door and let him know he can pick them up the next time he's around. He has abandoned his family.

Finally, the biggest consequence of all, is to file for abandonment and force him to start paying child support.

Understand that there is a difference between filing for divorce and filing papers for separation and child support. You are taking action to protect yourself and your children.

Men, specifically, will cake eat more so than wayward wives do. He is having a double life of fun on the side with you as the "responsible" part of his life.

It doesn't sound like he's madly in love with OW. Take advantage of this by making him face true consequences to his actions. YOu have much more power over the situation than you realise you do.

It's irnonic, but doing the things I describe has a way of slapping reality on the waywards and I believe this is much more so the case with men than with women.

Kicking his butt out for good will ensure that he suddenly has to convince the OW's parents to take him in, which is that much more problematic if they know he's committing adultery.

I bet you that these steps will wake him up a lot faster than anything else you can do.

This is the path of action whether or not you want to save your marriage. Make him face the consequences.

I'm convinced that women can move to a Plan B with a WH faster than men can with a WW. Take advantage of the fact that he was stupid enough to leave the marital home and slap him with child support and legal action.

You can always withdraw it, but make him see some consequencs.

18ac,

Every poster in your first thread recommended that you expose the A and you still haven't. Your WH is not going to wake up and smell the coffee on his own because he's too busy stuffing his face with cake. Expose to your family, his family and any friend that may perhaps knock some sense into him. Your WH is counting on you NOT to expose his dirty little secret so he can cake walk back and forth between you and OW. Don't be a doormat by just dangling the carrot. Use the stick.

No.

It sounds like someone who is loving the cake-eating he gets to do.

Cheaters lie.

Quit making cutesy, funny, lovey remarks about how wonderful your lying, cheating, having-sex-with-two-women-at-the-same-time-while-one-of-them-is-raising-HIS-children, excuse for a husband is, when he's having the time of his life by having 2 women fight over him.

Stop it.

If not for yourself, then do it to show your children what NOT to do wrong in THEIR marriages when they grow up. And YES, they WILL learn by what you do today.

Grow a pair today. Hire a PI and get the phone numbers of OW, OW's husband, OW's parents, OW's siblings, and anyone else you can call to say 'My H is scr&wing another woman while pretending to still love me. Please help me save my marriage by not helping them carry on this disgusting affair.'

Why will you not discuss this?

Do you want to believe the advice of the hundreds of people here who have BTDT, or do you want to believe that YOU know best? How's that working for ya?

Pack his stuff up, leave it on the porch, change the locks, tell him 'h&ll no you can't come stay in MY house while I go to work and let me know when you're ready to never see OW again. Then we'll talk.'

If you do anything less than this, he will still be having the affair a year from now. And you'll have slept with him too, to get your fix, and you'll end up with STDs. Sounds yummy, yes?