Last night the XW and I had a minor dust-up. Basically, she's going in for surgery (don't know what for - something female related down in the "hoohah" region I think). This is her second procedure as the first one last Fall didn't quite clear things up. It's not life threatening, but I do know she's anxious about it. Without checking the decree, she said that I would have the kids for Spring Break this year and that she will schedule the surgery for then. That was all last Dec. and I agreed.

Looking ahead at the calendar over the next few months, I see that because of this Spring Break thing along with my normal custody, it would put me with the kids for literally the first 3 weekends of the month, and that I'd have them for over a week during Spring Break. This kind of jacks up my schedule and I went back and rechecked the decree. Turns out this is supposed to he HER year to have them for the week. So now it turns out I'm covering things out of turn.

Okay, fine. I already agreed to help her and I will. However, I asked that she accommodate me a little too. The first weekend of March, she asked to have the kids Sat and Sun (normally I'd have them Thurs eve through Mon morn). I agreed and said it would be helpful to me. Please recall that I am training for a 180 mile charity bike ride in April. Training rides with my team are scheduled every Sat morning (early). I asked if I could bring the kids to her house on my way out at 6:30am. Her response, "Hmmm... I don't know. I have a work event that night and, and I don't know if I want to be up that early. I might be out pretty late...". She's a marketing person. These evening "work events" are typically parties and happy hours. They're not meetings or conferences.

I also asked if I could drop them off the same time on the morning of March 21st. This will be over a full week after her surgery, not having had the kids at all since the 12th, and she'd be getting them back the next afternoon for good anyway. Her reply, "Hmmmm... I dunno if I'm going to feel up to it. I shouldn't over do it too much after my surgery. I don't want to be set back."

Now, we're not talking about two infants here. I'm just asking that she keep an eye on them for a few hours those two morning so that I can do my training rides. They can get stuff out of the fridge themselves, they can watch TV, or read, or play their video games, etc... She can lounge on the couch with the phone in her hand in case of emergency.

All of this was over email yesterday. So last night I called her to follow up for an answer so that I can start planning my time. Again with the hemming and hawing. Again, keep in mind that I'm helping her out by taking the kids during HER Spring Break period. I could just tell her to get stuffed, and maintain the court schedule.

I tell her on the phone, with obvious annoyance, "I'm trying to be helpful here. All I'm asking is that you give me the same consideration I'm giving you. Just meet me part of the way. This is important to me.". She grudgingly acquiesces to at least one weekend so far, and then abruptly hands the phone off to the kids. She's obviously not happy.

Today, I receive this email from her:


This little heads up was out of the blue. I think it's nonsense. DS is almost 5. Saying that I make him feel like a slave for memorizing two rules is absurd in my mind. Making him do chores constantly or making him fetch me stuff - that might make him feel like a slave. I think he was just making drama.

I'm annoyed that she wanted to pass this along. I think she was trying to hurt me (DS expressed unhappiness with me) because I implied that she was being unreasonable and selfish the night before.

Thoughts? Am I missing an "Or, it could be..." here?

My opinion based upon the passive-aggressive behavior exhibited by your XW (which reminds me so much of my XW) is for you to tell your XW to stuff it. Respectfully submitted as always.

Yeah, I'd also ignore the passive aggressive e-mail. As for the child care issue, can you have Jill keep an eye on them for part of the time? Good practice .

AGG

IMO, if she is upset about the scheduling, then make her come out and say it. If she's trying to get back at you, then she wants you to respond negatively, she can claim that she was only concerned about the kids, thus you are the bad guy.

I would thank her for letting you know, and that you would keep that in mind.

Actually, Jill and I are riding together.

I just sent this response:

I would say just let her comments go - or say thanks for letting me know... I have had countless arguments over the years about what the kids have said and etc... and really the aggravation that you are gonna feel over the situation is probably not even worth it... So a simple thank you to her email will probably be fine... As for watching them during her operation - that is very nice - but maybe you should find out what kind of surgery that it really is and if she really would be up to watching them...I mean if it is say a hysterectomy I believe that is like an eight week recovery - and even if it is one week after the surgery and the kids are a little older she still might not feel comfortable being home alone with them... trying to give her the benefit of the doubt ! But I guess what it comes down to - is that you just need to let the little things go... my ex has never taken my kids for anytime so the fact that you guys share custody is great to me.. So I guess trying to figure out the I did this for you - can you do this for me... is actually gonna get aggravating at times but you have to decide is it worth your aggravation or just easier to make other plans?? No matter how annoyed you get with her or how difficult she may be - she is still your kids mom and you are gonna have to deal with her for a long time... and I have been on both sides of the situation for over six years and believe you me it is so much easier when you get along....

maw - I think that you make a lot of sense, and I really do try and look at it that way. I should have just ignored her initial email.

But as for the other thing, I am very wary of her having unreasonable expectations and making selfish demands of me. I don't wish her any ill will, but helping her out post surgery isn't my responsibility anymore. She wanted this divorce. A consequence of that means not having instant support or help from me. My responsibility is to my kids, not her. I am willing to negotiate with her for things that involve them, but she has to be willing to negotiate as well.

This thing with her surgery isn't the first time. Where do I draw the line? How often should I unconditionally agree to assist her, while she can't be bothered to reciprocate? Honest question? At what point do I go from being "the bigger person" to being "the doormat"?

You know I don't know I tend to be the Queen of the Doormat land... But I can only tell you from my experience - I have really and truly been the only caregiver to my kids for the last six years - do I ever ask for help sometimes but not really - but I spent years - picking on all of the little things - like dd said you did this when you went out to eat? or dd feels like this because you don't call her? etc.. and truly the only person who was experiencing the aggravation and the fighting and the turmoil was me!!! Sure it took me years to figure out that in fact it is sometimes just easier to let it all go.... I don't know about her using you - she very well might be because you are very helpful to her but I guess it comes down to who is the bigger person. Sure it would be easy to say - No you know I have already made plans for the week of your surgery you will have to make other plans - but would you really do that - ? Do you really want to do that? She is probably never going to validate your wants hers are always probably going to take top priority but in the end it just comes down to is it worth your aggravation? I guess what I am saying is maybe it just might be easier to get a babysitter than fight with her? She is always gonna think that she is right and you are always gonna think that you are right? Right???

I really don't agree with that maw. At least not right now. Accommodating her and getting nothing in return is pretty aggravating - that I know for sure. Telling her that it is conditional makes it less so for me.

I understand that you're coming with your own frame of experience and existence. It sounds like you have a really uninvolved XH. That's not really our experience. I get my kids about half the time, I pay for their CS, and their insurance. I maintain a household for them. My DD even made the comment that I cook a lot more than their mother does. Not saying I'm the better parent, but I do come with some strengths, and I am involved with them.

But I draw the line at sacrificing my own personal life and time for her benefit. Especially if there's nothing in it for me.

I think that there are two things to consider here that might make your dealings with your ex less stressful:

1. Either agree to do something or don't--don't make it contingent upon something else after the fact. It's too bad that neither of you checked the decree, but it's a done deal. Negotiate the other stuff separately.

2. When you were a child, would you rather have had your dad be thrilled to spend an extra week with you or annoyed that you were "jacking up (his) schedule"?

I also would not assume that you know what your five year old meant when he said he felt "like a slave". Five year olds believe in Santa Claus. Talk to him without giving him grief about it. You might be surprised at what he was actually thinking. With Obama as President, they are probably talking about slavery in his day care. Who knows what he actually understands about it?

Keep an eye on the big picture! Your ex will go away--your kids are forever.

Sounds nice, but I don't feel safe doing it that way. During our separation, she would routinely ask for help. I give it to her in the hopes that she'd be helpful to me. Time and time again, she'd turn down my requests.

Let's keep in context here. She's asking me for 10 straight days. I'm asking for a few hours. That's too much for her though.


I think that's an inaccurate reflection of what I was trying to convey. I NEVER said that my kids were responsible for anything regarding my schedule. You're making it sound like my resentment is toward them. My resentment comes from giving up my time and activities for her, and not getting consideration in return.

And what I would or would not have thought about spending a week with my dad is irrelevant. If you must know, spending and extra week with him would NOT have been thrilling.


I do know my son and I have a handle on how he thinks. The point is that if it were truly that important, he should talk to me. He shows no signs of distress when he comes to my house. From my observation and everyone else around me who sees us, he is a happy little boy. I am suspicious that his mother feeds a false sense of dissatisfaction to him in order to reinforce her own prejudices.

If you must know, spending and extra week with him would NOT have been thrilling.

Will this be your son talking in 30 years?

Your anger with me is irrelevant. Your feud with your ex is irrelevant. Your relationship with your son and daughter is relevant.

Seabird, you have come SO FAR since you first got here. SO FAR. Please, Seabird, don't go back there. The woman needed to have surgery. Could she get a doctor's note and go to court and demand that you take the kids? I don't know. But she's asking you for help, way ahead of time.

You are putting your kids in a bad situation. Their mom is sick, can't care for them, their dad can't care for them, either. Why not line someone else up? Don't you have friends, family, neighbors, like everybody else? I have no doubt your wife has support, too, but she will be needing to ask them for help with other things after the surgery. How important is it? to get your way on this one? Why not line up someone you think will be good with them?

Nano - I am not angry with you. And to answer your question, no. It's not the same situation. That's my point.

eo - Revert back to what? Can she go to court and demand that I take the kids? I wouldn't know. I've never heard of such a thing. Is that possible?

And no, there is no one else to help. All of our family is lives out of town, and I don't feel comfortable asking anyone else to help. There is no one else to line up for them.

Please keep in mind that I -AM- willing to assist. She's even willing to take them the morning of the 21st, when she's already post-op.

WHERE SHE'S DRAGGING HER FEET IS THE SATURDAY BEFORE HER SURGERY!!! She has personal plans on the Friday the night before and she's afraid that she'll be "too tired" the next morning to take them for a few hours early.

Now, consider this possibility... She's have surgery "down there" a week later. She will be out of commission "down there" for sometime. She has plans the week before on a Friday night.

What -other- possible reason could she have for not wanting to take the kids so early in the morning? Hmmmmmmmmm???

Hmmmm... She sent me an email that makes me suspect she's here lurking. She did that during our separation and even posted once or twice to "get her say in". Some of you might remember her as "Snicks".

Anyway, that said, here was my last email to her. It has gone unreplied to so far.

I dunno, Seabird.

If I were in your shoes, I'd probably find someone to babysit the kids for me, and write it down that you had the kids for this extra time. In general, I try to never turn down extra time with the kids, even though on several occassions I get family or a sitter to help out for a few hours.

Like I said Anne, I don't have any family here.

I can't afford a sitter. And I don't know of any that would come to my house at 6am on a Saturday morning either.

I hear this isn't obvious to you, so I'll be more clear. Reverting back to DJing what you think she should be able to do. Instead of hearing what she is telling you she is able to do. She does not feel confident to provide adequate care for your children. If she needs having surgery, she's likely in a lot of pain. Maybe pain that she can live with when she's had enough sleep. I don't know.

How about telling your wife, I'd be willing to have a sitter at my house, but I don't know of any yet. I'm low on funds, though, how would we find a teenager who'd charge $5 an hour?

You know, working together

e_o - You are focusing on whether or not she can care for the children post-op. That's what I am reading from your posts.

That is not the issue. The issue is her refusal to watch them for a few hours -a week before- the surgery. Her rational is that she has plans on Friday night and might be too tired.