Dont really know where to start but here it goes.

About 3 days before christmas my wife of almost 10 years(high school sweetheart 4 years before that) told me that she loved me but was not in love with me. This was by far the most painful thing she has ever said to me.

In the months prior to this i had been playing alot of online poker taking away from any quality time we would have in the after noons after work.

It wasnt until i slacked off of playing that i noticed this space between us when i would try and show some affection. Took about a week of that before i asked her if we were doing okay cause something didnt feel right. She told me that the playing all the time had affected her but that wasnt the only problem that got us where we were. Then came the love comment that she made that night.

I attempted to hold my composure in the following days after that but it was always eating at me. I talked to her about working on it and we agreed that we would. So I totally stopped playing poker and spent time with the family every night since. The space still seemed to be there and it would get to me at work as i have a lot of alone time to think.

Well last night i decided to ask her how she was feeling again to try open a lane of communication because i feel like i am dying inside. I told her that it felt like she wasnt really there anymore. She then agreed and began crying. She says she is not happy and hasnt been for around a year now. She is wondering if divorce might be the right thing to do. She says there is no one else and i do believe her. We were separated earlier in our marraige and she doesnt really want try that again. i ask her if she wants to give it time and she doesnt answer. I feel like she wants a divorce but doesnt want be the one asking for it.

I think divorce would be the ultimate mistake in our lives for us, ours kids, and everything else. i dont know what to do. i pressured her pretty hard last night to tell me what she wanted, not losing my temper or anything though. She never came up with anything.

i have fought tooth and nail for this marraige in the past. i have been hurt multiple times not neccesarily by physical infedelity, but by catching things that would have probably led to it. I guess i write this because i dont know how hard i should fight for this anymore. I may can fix this but then in time it always seems to lead to me being in pain, losing trust and faith.

Please help me in this dark time in my life,
Trent

Cutting to the chase here..

Why? See my questions below:



Who initiated that separation, and why?



Are you talking about emotional infidelity, e.g. EAs? Has your W communicated with other men secretly and in ways that cause you discomfort?

Sorry i dont write much so some of my thoughts may seem scattered.

She initiated the first separation for the same reason then as i didnt suspect infedelity or have any evidence of it. That caught me way off guard as at the time i thought we were doing fine.

As for your second question. Yes she has done that a couple of times and i feel that if i didnt catch it possibly could have grown into something else.

So the real question is, who is she in love with?

Tons of red flags here.

What's her work situation?

How many kids do you have and what are their ages?

This reeks of an active adultery. Time to snoop big time.

She doesnt work at a job. She answers phones for our small home based business.

We have two boys ages 9 and 5

I have checked her phone to see who she has been talking/texting and havent seen anything out of the ordinary.

Where did she stay during that first separation?



So, your W has had multiple EAs in your 6 year M? If so, I'd suggest that this isn't a "new" situation, that she's probably not been "in love" with you for a long time, and she's now looking for a good reason to walk away.

The fact that she hasn't walked away yet suggests that perhaps if there is a new EA or PA going on, she hasn't reached the point yet of actually choosing to give up what she currently has for the OM, if indeed there is an OM involved.

My suggestion then, if you want to recover your M, is to "Plan A" your W, and snoop as much as possible, in order to find out what's really going on with her. A keylogger on her computer might uncover a lot of stuff that you don't know already.

Is she home all the time?

Are the kids with her always or is there a daycare period?

Does she use the computer?


The ILYBNILWY speech is nearly a 100% accurate declaration of infidelity.

Throw in the "have not been in love with you for one, five, seven, twelve and a half, since September 17th 1996 is also a big red flag.

You said you think you have derailed past infidelity before it took off, why do you believe her now?

She stayed with her mother during the first separation.

I have been looking into what she has been doing and who been hanging around. like i said i havent seen anything out of the ordinary. Guess i could be missing something.

It just doesnt feel like it and i think i would have found something by now. I would say i am 98% positive that she is not having anything physical, but there are so many ways for emotional. I could be wrong.

Trent,

First off, very sorry that you are here. It's the club that nobody wants to be part of. That said, you are in the right place and there are some tremendous people here that are willing to help you.

Your story has tons of all over the place!! You need to determine if she is having an affair or not. You need to snoop like crazy. Looking at her cell phone won't tell you if she is cheating on you. Texts and phone calls can be easily deleted. You need to access the cell phone bill (most carriers allow you to look online) and see if there is a strange number that she is calling/texting on a regular basis. You should also consider a keylogger on the home computer if she uses it much. If she has alot of independent time out side of the house (ie. hanging out with friends) then you may consider hiring a PI to find out where she is really going.

This stuff is very painful to go through. But, until you have the truth you cannot formualte a plan and take action. Snoop like crazy until you get the answers. Once you have your answers come back and post here and the folks here can help you decide your next steps depending on what you WANT from this and where you want to end up in the end.

Mindshare

Trent,

while it's possible she hasn't cheated on you, the odds are high she's having an emotional affair at a minimum, a PA is possible.

Does she use the computer at home?

Look at your browser history. That might lead you to something.

Put a recorder in your home to catch any phone conversations or cell phone calls she may be making. Some people go so far as to have a secret telephone they use.

Where do your kids stay during the day?

Plan A for sure. Show her through actions that you recognize you haven't been the best or most attentive husband and start giving her the attention (but don't overwhelm her).

It's a very fine line between being attentive and smothering and it's easy to cross that line. Err on the side of being less attentive while being attentive and you'll probably strike the right balance.

How's this? For example: Make dinner for the family one night, but don't make a giant stink about it.

Leave her a note wishing her a nice day.

Bring her flowers once a week or once a month.

Don't smother her with "I love you" every five minutes.

Don't cry in front of her or show weakness of any kind. That's not appealing.

Snoop! Snoop! Snoop!

I was 99.9% positive that my FWW was not having an A - right up to the day that she told me that she had an A. An A that was both EA and PA. For 2 years.

No-one is as well-equipped as your spouse to pull one over on you if she really wanted to. She knows your habits, your timetable, etc. If she was having an A, she'll find a way to keep it hidden from you. Mine did.

well all of you guys are right. I just got the phone records for her cell which i could only get roaming calls but it told me what i needed to know. She has been talking to my 9 yr olds sons baseball coach from this last summer...Im devastated yet again...I went and cofronted the guy telling that i knew he was talking to my wife but i want to know if your having sex with her. Of course you know what he said. no never. i told him not to call or talk to her again. how do i or should i confront my wife with this?

Trent

You just DID!!!

OM is likely on the phone right now telling your WW about you confronting him ... they are comparing notes and getting their stories straight.

Although you probably should have waited until you had some more intel, I won't criticize any BH taking ACTION. Time to snoop VERY hard before your WW has a chance to go back and clear her tracks.

CALL HER IMMEDIATELY.

Tell her you found out who the OM was and got the story from him. Tell her you want her side of the story before you make a decision.

Don't let on what you actually found out from OM.

DO IT NOW, before OM and your WW have a chance to spin their own story together.

I forgot: once you've done that, expose what you know to the OMW, before the OM has a chance to spin a story to her. She might also be of some assistance in busting the A.

What was the extent of her contact?

He's lying about your wife. I would let her know right now that you just talked to him and got the full story from him about them. Leave it vague.

Make her think you have more info than you do and you'll likely get a full confession.

You should also call the OM's wife and tell her that he has been talking to your wife and that you suspect something is going on. Tell her about the full extent of the contact and that you suspect more is happening than what they are admitting to.

Don't do half assed exposure. Go all out before they paint you as the jealous husband who thinks there's something happening all the time.

His W might clue you in on somethings too.

Sorry you’re here. You’ve just joined the last club in the world you would ever want to be a member of, but at least you’re here with a lot of good people to help you. This place has so many wise members who have been in your shoes that can help you through this if you will simply listen to what they tell you.

First, realize that you are dealing with a serial cheater who has at least had a number of EA’s in the past and maybe PA’s. Your WW has very poor boundaries and if you want to recovery this marriage, it will take a lot of work.

Next, now is the time to expose this affair to anyone who may have some influence on either of them and will put pressure on them to end this affair. You should start with OMW. She deserves to know that her marriage is a lie. That way, she can make decisions concerning her future based on truth and not deception. You also need to expose this sleaze to the little league. They need to know what kind of morally deficient person is coaching these kids. This will also make sure that he doesn’t do this to other families in the future.

Finally don’t believe a word that OM or your WW says. The way you can tell if waywards are lying is to look at their mouths. If their mouth is moving, they are lying. You have to dig deeper to get to the truth. Consider voice activated recorders to hide in her car and anywhere in your home where she may be calling this scumbag. Invest in a keylogger for your computer so that you can track all of her online moves and find any emails or IM’s between the two of them. Also, DO NOT be intimate with her until you know for sure that this affair is not physical. Waywards tell you that they used protection, but they NEVER do.

Be strong. You are just beginning this long journey. Dig hard until you have all of the truth. You can’t even begin to consider the future until you know the truth about the past. This info will help you decide is you really want to try and recover this marriage. With a serial cheater like your ww, I would almost always encourage you to give her the boot and head straight to Plan D. But, with kids involved that decision is a lot more murky. Only you can decide, but you need the truth to make that decision.

Good luck and stay strong.