What do you do when you discover your 35-year marriage has been a sham? I just learned my husband has been having sex with other men for several years. With a little online snooping (I know, wrong thing to do) I discovered he's invited two men to his hotel room tonight while he's across the country on business.

I've suspected it for months after finding condoms and lube while getting his laptop out of its case (perhaps he wanted me to find out?). Now it's confirmed. Our sex life has been non-existant for several years, but I thought it was because of erectile dysfunction. I kept telling him that didn't matter. But I found a pharmacy transaction a few weeks ago for daily Cialis (I manage the flex spending account). I'm wondering if I should be tested for STDs even though it's been three years since we had intercourse and I think the sex with men has just been within the past year or two. One of the men he invited over tonight mentioned poppers, which brings up a whole other area of concern: drug usage.

Do I confront him even though doing so would reveal my snooping? Just go with the status quo and hope maybe he confesses some day? Wait for him to get arrested for stat rape or drugs?

I feel as if I have some sort of power in my hands now because if his sisters learned of this, they wouldn't hesitate to use it against him. He was raised in a very conservative religious home. His father was a minister and his mother was very overbearing. She lies about the date of their marriage because the truth would reveal that she was pregnant when they got married.

If this was another woman, I feel like I might be able to do something but the homosexual angle has me confused.

Sorry to hear that hubby likes sex with men. I would get tested for STDs immediately, because you have no idea how long this has been going on. It would be unusual if it just happened in the last couple of years. It's more likely that he is at best, bisexual.

How is he as a husband otherwise?

Emotionally, he's rather distant. No spontaneous affection such as kisses or hugs. When I go to bed at night, there's nothing, not even a "Good night. Sleep well."

He's quite generous monetarily. I belong to an organization that meets one Saturday a month. He's always been supportive of that. Of course, I learned in my snooping that this allows him a day to play, and I cringe at the thought of how many men have been in the bed we share. I also take a couple trips each year with this organization and he's been quite generous about helping me pay for them. I'm a writer and am published in the small magazine market. I make a little money but not enough to live on. It usually pays for my professional organization dues and part of the trips. Again, I understand at a deeper level why he has no problem with me going because it frees him up for his trysts.

From what I gather, there's no one person he's involved with. It's a series of random encounters. He's registered on a gay men's website called Man Hunt. I found his listing and this week he's listed in the city where he's on the business trip. I'll check it when he gets back at the end of the week and I'm sure it will be changed to our hometown. I also learned he was with a young man on a business trip back in the fall. They spent an entire day and night together.

Oddly, I am not distraught with emotion. Perhaps the reality just hasn't settled in yet and once it does, I'll have a breakdown.

If you're not distraught, then, yes, you are still in shock. Your emotions will go up and down like a roller-coaster.

You will need to take some time and formulate a plan. You will have to decide if you want to stay married and try to work on a recovery or get divorced.

I'm probably older than you, and after the affair, I didn't want my husband back. But I do have a steady income.

I have been pondering these options. I have been a stay-at-home wife and mom for the majority of our marriage and in today's economy, I'm not sure the job outlook for a 58 year old woman is very good. I have no way to support myself. We have what's considered by most to be a very nice lifestyle. It's not luxurious -- no pool in the backyard or expensive luxury cars (unless you count his Harley). I shop in discount stores and thrift shops because I love a bargain. Without the money I get from him each month, I'd be eating cat food and wearing used underpants from Goodwill.

I'm mad enough at this point that I refuse to let him destroy my standard of living because he can't keep his pants zipped. I refuse to let him destroy our sons' lives. I really don't want our grandchildren to know their grandpa is a liar and cheat.

I don't want to confront him though. I know he'll try to make it my fault and it isn't. I've never strayed. I've been the "good" wife who stayed home and kept the house clean, did the laundry and cooked dinner every night.

Part of me, though, WANTS to confront him and then threaten to expose him to his family unless he bows to my will. He can shop for groceries, cook meals, wash clothes, dust and mop and vacuum or I'll let his sister know he's having sex with men. She would use that to wrestle away control of their mother's financial affairs, which would be disastrous. He might have cheated on me, but he's a financial whiz and would never do anything to hurt his mother's finances. His sister, however, would spend it in a heartbeat.

But blackmail, any way you slice it, isn't pretty.

Right now I'm not sure I want either choice. I'm not sure I want recovery or divorce. I'd just like to exist in my home, surrounded by the friends who make me feel safe. But again, that's probably just the numbness talking.

We always advise people NOT to make any sudden decisions for several months.

Do you love him at all? Get along with him?

Are you joking??? Your husband is GAY--you should seriously consider Plan D. Take your half of the assets and have him pay you alimony...

Claire, you should not treat this any differently than any other affair. I recently sent Dr Harley an email asking him about this very thing and he told me that he treats same sex affairs the same way he treats heterosexual affairs and the results are about the same.

He stated that "the biggest difference is that the BS usually gives up sooner because they feel they can't compete if their spouse is same-sex attracted."

Call up Steve Harley and get into marriage coaching. This might not be salavable, but you won't know until you TRY FIRST.

Sorry you are here.

I agree. You think he's generous now? Wait until you see how generous a judge can make him be.

His betrayal is double. The fact that he's gay, AND the fact that he's cheating.

Contact a lawyer. It shouldn't be too difficult to take half of all the assets and a large chunk of his future income as well.

Just get proof that he's gay/bi.

Mel and Believer gave you some great advice. Don't make any decisions right away and get some good advice from a professional.

With that being said... I'm not advocating that you run out and file for divorce. But try not to worry too much about money. It's easy for me say... I know it's hard for you not to worry about your future. Based on what you've said, in the event you do have to get a divorce, he's more than likely going to have to pay big time.... Especially since you were a stay at home mom and wife. He'll have to continue to support you until you get yourself to a point where you can have a carreer. I know it's scary. But take heart... I'm sure there are a lot's of women (And probably several on this forum) who have pulled themselves up by their boot straps, and are supporting themselves quite well. Try not to dwell on it.

Before I learned what was going on, I honestly felt as if our relationship was more like roommates. We get along. We eat dinner in the kitchen together most every night and talk about his job, current events, the kids.

Now I'm just not so sure I can even consider the love word in regard to him and I'm afraid he might sense a difference in my behavior when he returns on Friday night.

Someone said I should get proof he's gay/bi. I have copied an email from his account and pasted it into a word document. It details a rendezvous he had with someone on a business trip last fall. I also created an account on the website he uses to find his hook-ups and posed as a young college student. Last night he IM'd "John Doe" thru the website and we chatted. He talked about his first gay encounter 35+ years ago and provided enough details that I feel pretty sure it's the truth and not some made-up story. I was able to copy the text of the chat and it's in another document. In it, he admits that if he had it to do over again, he'd have gone with his gay leanings. I'm not sure it's courtroom evidence, but it should be enough to keep him from contesting anything.

I agree that I should not make any decisions for a while. When my father died, my mother was advised not to make any big decisions for at least a year if possible. What I've learned is like a death -- the death of everything I've believed in and thought to be true.

As for being able to support myself, if the court would award me alimony and half the assets, I could probably do okay in a small apartment somewhere. Our state also awards half of retirement benefits to an ex-spouse if you've been married more than ten years. We've been married 3 times that long plus a few years. I know that alimony is often a temporary thing -- support until you're able to support yourself. I'm only 7 years from retirement age. I have a college degree, but in a field that requires a graduate degree. I gave up the MS degree for the MRS one. By the time I could retrain for a career, I'd be even closer to retirement age, and with the economy in the toilet, who's going to hire someone close to sixty years old? I've no desire to stand at the front door of Walmart during the evening shift and on weekends and greet people. I'm not opposed to work. My last job was 12 years ago and I was quite good at it. But I only got it because a friend of my husband's needed an admin assistant and he thought by hiring me, he'd get special favors from my husband. He thought wrong. My husband is unbelievably honest in his business dealings and if his lifestyle became public, he'd probably lose his job since it requires a top level clearance. I'm surprised he's willing to risk this because he's way more into designer clothing and fancier things than I am (i.e. the Harley).

Thank you for all your help. I have a lot to think about.

You are really going to need to take your time.

Hubby won't notice that you are any different unless you tell him.

I would wait it out and collect evidence.

You are a unknowingly a beard.
LINK to explain what I mean

If you need more proof - hire a PI.

One of my best friends was married to a gay man.
They had 2 children together.


The worst part of this decades long lie is that he always made comments that told her that the problem with their (lack of) sex life was that SHE was not sexually desirable.

He used her life to make a false identity for himself.

I have no sympathy for anyone who uses their spouse so callously.

Get a lawyer. Then when you know what your legal rights are - confront him.

Ah gee, and here I thought I'd done a good job shaving.

In all seriousness, thanks for that link. I'd read about Rock Hudson's marriage and never in my life thought I'd be in that woman's position.

He called tonight to let me know when he'd be home. He also said if he had any extra leave, he'd have taken a few days vacation. It's warm where he is and freezing here.

I tried to keep things light but in the back of my mind I kept thinking about what he has planned for tonight. He set up something not only with the student I was posing as but with another guy too. It wasn't an easy conversation but I don't want to tip my hand.

It's not your fault.

I absolutely know that.

I only slept well last night because I was knocked out on cold medicine. And today I'm alternating between anger and apathy. Being sick doesn't help because I'm just so tired.

Thanks for being a sounding board.

I agree. Adultery and gay is a double whammy. I don't see how you could not confront him and pretend everything is fine...the anger and hypocrisy will eat you up.

I'm with the Plan D folks.

You don't need Dr. Harley you need Dr. Ruth.

Gay people don't convert.