What do you care? It's not like she doesn't provide primary custody so you can get yours.

I only care because I am expected to give up my personal time so that she can have more personal time. Her "primary" custody equates to less than 51%. That's on the regular schedule. Include the extra coverage I give, and the balance skews a bit more.

It's not like I'm an every other weekend dad.

My point is that I think she's refusing to watch them so that she can have company overnight.

This by itself, I really don't care about. However, I shouldn't have to give up something I've been planning for months so that she can have one last toss in the hay before her surgery.

Seabird, I got your clarification, that this is before the surgery. I'm asking you to consider that she is telling you that she can't care for the kids for a reason. I don't know the reason. But I don't srgue with someone when they say they can't provide adequate care for my children.

I was saying that a possible reason may be that she may be in pain before the surgery. Pain related to why she needs the surgery. She may be able to handle the pain most of the time, but be concerned about staying kind and considerate to your kids when she has a lack of sleep and constant pain.

I say this because with MB, I've been able to stop yelling at my kids when I'm overwhelmed. But I had some bad bad pain this week, and melted down. Their dad was out of town. I felt horrible, doing this to my kids, and promised myself that I would get help with them the next time that I was in pain like that, because I wasn't able to guarantee that I could take good care of them.

Saebird, I'm not saying you should give up your stuff. I'm saying instead of looking at it as the two options, you watching them at your house, or her watching them at hers, what about brainstorming with her to find a solution you both like? Maybe Jill's sister wouldn't mind sleeping over. There may be hundreds of win-win solutions. You've been a great help to me Seabird, pointing out things I didn't think of. I was hopiong to return the favor

e_o - I'm going to ask you to consider all of the facts at hand.

If that were the case, why can she care for them now according to the regular schedule? And how can she plan to attend this function of her's the Friday night before? And how is it she's willing to take keep the kids during our regular schedule UNTIL then?

And why would she be in too much pain to watch the kids at 6am, but okay to take them later, like at 10am?

In answer to your second question, a couple of months ago, Jill's family offered to watch the kids for a few days. It was after Hurricane Ike, the schools were still closed, and my house had no power or water. She had both, however she was missing a lot of work and asked if there was some way I could care for them.

Jill's family, including her mother and father who had come into town to help, offered to watch the kids.

The XW refused and chose to remain home with them.

What I hear from her consistently is, "I want you to assist me, but only in the exact manner that say."

Hey, SB...

Tossing in my perception...

you increase conflict when you go into her "whys" or in this case, "why not."

She refused and then she relented on one. You want her to relent on the other date.

Why don't you relent? Her "why's" don't matter...her actions do.

One training skipped will not sink your goal.

I wonder if your kids feel shuttled, not wanted, a burden overhearing this stuff...

and I noticed you going back into the "he shouldn't feel that way" instead of hearing what your son may or may not have said.

He felt controlled. Repetition is an act of debasement. Doesn't reinforce memory...what we remember isn't the rule we repeated...it's the repetition. The no choice. The shaming.

You spiraling into old stuff? Going into why's and judging them might be a signal. I would love it for your kids in 20 years to have the memory, "My father leaped at every extra chance he had to be with us. He really enjoyed us."

You couldn't make your XW do anything, throughout your marriage...you didn't have the power to make her own her actions and choices, explain her reasons, change her mind. You still don't have that power.

So it's not about her. It's about you. Are you wanting to make yourself stand up for your top priority, own your stuff, your choices...maybe acting to one priority, temporarily, that really isn't your top one?

Limiting alternatives, choices...that's how we falsely justify our actions, our perspective and perception.

This isn't about who is right or wrong...it's about you and boundaries. Old stuff come back new again. Check your intent.

LA

It's not just one training LA. Two per month is the bare minimum I need to prepare for a fairly grueling event. And the trainings are a scaled and tiered approach. Missing 3 in a row, means that I will be unprepared for the ones that follow.

I value your counsel LA, but in the matter of training for this ride, I'm not sure of your bona fides. No offense meant. If you have been there, and done that, my apologies. Otherwise, I think you're out of place to tell me what is what on this.


Why would they be? They're not involved in this conversation. To them, they are either with me, or they are with their mom. Neither one us takes our complaints or gripes to them, nor do we discuss these things in front of them.

Frankly, your "wonder" feels a little PA to me. Like a subtle guilt trip. Maybe just me misinterpreting.


He never said a thing to me. That's the point. I have no idea what was discussed.


I do not share your opinion on that.


Do you see me acting in a pattern here LA? Do I come here often and complain of this?


Agreed. I'm not making her do anything. I'm establishing my own boundary. Telling her what I will do, and under what circumstances.


Or.... Living in the actual situation, knowing first-hand what's possible and what isn't, and framing our choices to fit within them.


Pretty sure that's what I'm doing.

Yeah, I'm inclined to think her reasoning is that the man she WANTS to wake up to that morning isn'r her ex dropping off the kids.

My questions are

How long does the training last?
Does it have to start at 6?
Would she go for 8? that would give her more time to sleep off the night before and not have to kick out romeo at 5a

I know we are all different, SB, but I have to agree with the others, and from where I sit, it seems like you feel it's more important for you to have "your" time than to care for your kids when your ex can't. The phrase " she wanted the divorce" says a lot to me.

Consider this - what if you were still married to her, and this situation came up. Would you force her to watch the kids (even if she told you she was in too much pain or otherwise unable to) while you went on your training? If not, then I suggest that what is happening here is some sort of a score keeping thing under the guise of boundary enforcement. IMO, at least.

Of course I am a total sap when it comes to watching my kids beyond what I "have to" - their mom travels a lot, and I have not hesitated once to take them when she was gone. And yes, at times it has been royally inconvenient, and I felt that I was letting my ex get away with stuff. But I always figured that in the end, I will never regret spending an extra evening or day or weekend with my kids, and everything else can take a back seat.

So I hear your frustration and I understand your resentment, but I would still offer that in this time of need, you should be the bigger person and do what's right for your kids, which in this case means taking them for as long as needed. How many fathers do they have, after all?

AGG

It sounds to me like no one wants to be bothered with caring for the kids...now, that's just how it sounds to ME.

I sure hope the kids aren't picking up on this.

Sometimes our own wants, needs, desires, and activities are back burnered when we have children.

Usually people are feuding over wanting the kids...seems strange to see people feuding over NOT wanting to take the kids.


If your children need you (when their mom is having surgery) man up and take them...don't make it contingent on whether or not she will take them when you have something to do.


Just something to think about.

committed

BC - Unfortunately the training time is static. There are nearly a thousand riders on my team alone, and over 15000 in the event total. It is a very structured event with support from law enforcement and vendors. We ride on the main highways. I can't do such a thing on my own safely.

AGG - I do hear you, but let me clarify one point. Her not watching the kids that one morning is not a "can't". It's a "won't". Does that make a difference in your mind? It does in mine.

FTR, I have always taken extra time with my kids. This is the first time I've asked her to make a significant effort to accommodate me. Last year, she traveled for a week. Claimed it was for work. I had my doubts, but I didn't raise a fuss.

At the time I told her ahead of time that I was signing up for this event and said, "In exchange, I'd appreciate it if you could watch the kids for me once or twice in the morning during my training season."

Her response, "No problem! Good luck with the ride!".

Since then, every time I've asked, she drags her feet.

At some point, I feel I have set my foot down and, "That's it!. I have covered for you every time you asked. And every time I ask, you drag your feet and act put out.".

I like the extra time with my kids. I do not like being taken advantage of.

Then document it and take her back to court to reflect that the custody is more on a 50/50.

YOUR personal time vs HER personal time....rofl. I had to laugh. I didn't see the back side of personal time til my kids got to be teenagers...and then only a small bit.

Since when do parents of small children get ANY personal time? This battle is still between you two and the kids are getting caught in the middle. Don't make them pawns in some power game. It isn't fair to them.

committed

That's an awesome idea! Can I borrow some money? My attorney is only $450/hr.

Having kids doesn't mean not getting to have a life. Sorry, I think you're dead wrong on that one.

I get personal time when it's her turn to have the kids. She doesn't get to squirrel the schedule around just to suit herself.

NOW HEAR THIS!!! THE VERY WORST THING IN THE WORLD I'M DOING IS ADHERING TO THE COURT MANDATED SCHEDULE. THE SAME ONE I FOUGHT TOOTH AND NAIL FOR IN ORDER TO GET ABOVE AND BEYOND THIS STATE'S STATUTORY ALLOWANCE FOR FATHERS!!!

What I'm seeing is you guys 2x4ing me for not grabbing my ankles for the XW's unreasonable demands.

I understand everyone else's concerns regarding the kids. But let me promise you people this...

NO ONE HERE CARES FOR MY KIDS MORE THAN I DO!!!! NO ONE HERE DOES MORE FOR MY KIDS THAN I DO!!!

I do agree that post surgury isn't the best time to make your stand on boundaries, although I also agree that a stand needs to be made.

And you can say yes or no. You've said yes now. You actually said yes before you realized how it would impact your training.

You sound like a great father. Very involved with your children. Makes me weep to think I never had such a thing from my own father--pre or post divorced. So if I were you I would continue this great focus you have on your children and take them whenever she will let you--regardless of whether it benefits her or not.

Of course, sometimes you will need a sitter. Every parent in the world does. So your mission is to find a reliable sitter for situations like this.

I'm married. I am a SAHM. But sometimes I need a sitter. My husband works long and hard hours and when I would try to arrange something I needed to do (hair appt comes to mind) around his schedule so he could watch our son I would usually end up resentful when he couldn't make it because of work. So I stopped expecting that. I get a sitter now. I have about 3 that I use. I am very very particular about who cares for my son, but I've been able to come up with 3, not counting my parents that I can call on when I need a sitter.

Sorry, but it does. It means YOURS takes a back seat. Are they getting in the way of you having a life?


Your first and foremost duty is to care for those children. If she doesn't want to...that's on her. Someone has to be a responsible caring parent here. It might as well be YOU.

committed

It's. Not. Post. Surgery.

The day in question is a full week before the surgery.

I was talking about your reply email. You implied that you were not going to watch them post surgery if she didn't help you out.

I think that's what has everybody stirred up

Nope. Nope. And... Nope.



I think you're making this something more than it is. It's a disagreement over scheduling between her and I. We're not talking about them being neglected or unloved and uncared for. We're having a disagreement over timing.