About 3-4 months prior to our marriage two years ago, my soon-to-be wife set up a secret email address and promptly emailed a former fiance'. Needless to say she was busted! The couple of emails sent stated that she missed their conversations, how are you doing, how's the new office, etc. Although the emails were pretty innocent, I was furious and extremely hurt due to who it was. After a tumultuous couple of weeks, things were ironed out with apologies and promises and we proceeded with the wedding. To be honest, I have forgiven, but I have never forgotten....

Now to my question: She has a "friend" that she absolutely insists was a plutonic relationship at all times prior to meeting me. She has best described him as "the neighbor guy she met through a friend that would help her out if she was in need". I have never met this person, (we lived 150 miles apart prior to our meeting), but have been told I will someday. They talked about once a week via telephone, but ironically only conversed when I was away at work or a meeting. I told her that I was OK with the phone calls, but would appreciate it if they calls were placed when I was in her company or at least told me the talked while I was away. She got pretty irate, but agreed to my request. Mr. Friend called her on her birthday last March. My wife put the phone on speaker and upon learning it was her birthday and not knowing he was on speakerphone, promptly said, "Sounds like you need some birthday lovin'..." Yes, my wife looked a bit awkward and just laughed off my questions after the phone conversation. Since then, ALL calls are placed while I am away and I am NEVER told about them. I know it will be Thermo-Nuclear War if I complain again.

I do not believe an affair is going on, but I have a gut feeling there was more to it than being "just friends" before we met. This would be much easier to accept if I could hook her up to a lie detactor and truly find out if anything ever "cooked" between them. I realize one's past can't be changed, that she is married to me and loves me very much, but God this is driving me nuts. I can guarantee that the fur would fly if I were having private conversations with a woman that my wife never met and she would have overheard "sounds like you need some birthday lovin'..." So what do I do? Accept it and get over it or confront her with it and endure Thermo-Nuclear War.

Thanks!!!!

You would be wrong. You are being blinded by fear.


Really, what did you think this meant?

"Sounds like someone needs some birthday lovin"?

I'd love to her her spin on that one!!!

Hi thehereafter,

I don't think I am much good with this sort of advice, but I figured I'd write you. Your story is similar to mine. First thing I will say is gut feelings are a weird thing. All of mine came true. Keep that in mind. On the other hand, I have close friends of the opposite sex that I knew before I even met my spouse, and some I could hear saying something like what this person said to your wife.

The other thing you mentioned was the email. That's weird. I would get suspicious if I read something like that(well I have actually). It makes you feel worthless and it's something you would never dream of doing when you are about to marry someone and spend the rest of your lives together. If I were you, I would either confront her now, and say everything you need to say(in a non-threatening way expressing that you do indeed love her) perhaps in a letter. Or, get her to give you every password to emails, phones whatever. I had to do this, and it's best to do it when they are around and you both can go through things. But at this point that may be too much, too soon. I did this with my H and found quite the S***-load of "dirt". But again, I did this after about 6 months of having my gut feelings. I think maybe you should express that it really hurt you that she would write such an email. Be honest about how you felt, and ask her how she would feel if tides were turned. A lot of times, people do not think about how it affects others, but know how they would react if it were done to them.

Now back to your question: I understand that you are paranoid and suspicious, and rightly so. I would be too. But it could be the truth that she's telling you. As I've said, I have friends that call me occasionally that I was close to before I met my H and I would deal with the outbursts and the jealousy from him, and I was completely and totally honest with him that these friends were just FRIENDS!

You need to tell her that you accept her friends, but because of a past incident, you are being cautious, and you need her to respect your wishes and your boundaries. If you do not want her talking to him while you are away, then say that. If irrational outbursts occur(and believe me! I experienced them and still do) you may want to think about things a little more. Someone who is guilty or is lying doesn't want to be caught, most of the time, and will do what they can and do what they feel they have to to keep their secrets. I hope you figure this out, good luck with it, and I hope that I've helped in some way!

Sorry THA,

It sounds to me like you are considering getting married to a woman that is already wayward and You aren't even married yet.

Take a real careful look before you leap into this please. Read the pain of the BS's here. If you are able to avoid going down that road, please strongly consider getting out before you are already married.

The suspicious circumstances seem to me to indicate she is a player.

Run like he11. She is already demonstrating very poor boundaries and you're not even married yet. If you follow through with this wedding, you are setting yourself up for a lot of heartache.

Opposite sex friends are BAD idea. There are many people on here that ended up with wayward spouses who cheated with their "friend" who was like a brother or sister.

Where are you guys getting this "not married" stuff???

The very first sentence of the post says they were married 2 years ago.

"Just friends," huh?

All in attendance who've been fed this crappola, please raise your hands.

You can all put them down now.



thehereafter, have you read what Dr. Harley, the creator of the Marriage Builders program, says about friends of the opposite sex?

Quite a bit, actually, but I can sum it up in two words:
Slippery Slope.

Your gut is already aware of this. Added to her earlier transgression, I guarantee this means trouble. Learn about meeting her emotional needs and love busters from the links on this site's home page. Better yet, order a copy of His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters. Apply the principles to your marriage and watch what happens.

Right Here Waiting

My bad. I must have readign issues today.

But, the advice stays the same. A wife who was caught sending inappropriate emails prior to marriage and with a "friend" who would make the inappropriate comment about "birthday lovin" shouldn't be trusted.

There needs to be some serious snooping done here and he needs to really think about her lack of boundaries.

Knowing what I have gone through during recovery, and that is after 20 years of marraige, I would be much quicker to pull the plug on a short marriage specially if there are no COM.

Thank you to all that have replied so far. To confirm, we did get married two years ago. I believe it is too soon to drop the evidence on her regarding the phone calls. (And I DO have evidence). I plan on doing more monitoring and documenting.

New revealation: She is emailing another male friend. I do not feel threatened by this individual, for she was just a friend for support while he began the long road of a cancer battle. My issue: She emailed a few of our friends (including this individual) pictures of us from our recent vacation. A couple of the pictures were au natural (with all important parts blacked out). I am very OK with this, but her friend asked her to delete the blacked out portion and re-send. She replied, "My husband would kill me". The problem: She deleted his request and her reply from the computer. I honestly think she probably thought I would be a bit upset (she is right!) and just made the potential problem go away. I just don't like the sneakiness. (More info for the evidence file)

Please continue with your comments and thanks a bunch. They are helpful and comforting.

Sounds like time to get a recorder put on that telephone to find out what actually goes on during those calls.

All this is happening after only 2 years of M. Hmm... Any children or joint property involved?

Click on this clip to see a great perspective on "platonic friends/relationship" - it really distills the issue.

http://www.aish.com/spirituality/LoriAlmostLive/Platonic$.asp

AA

Regardless of what you do not know, the fact is that you have a lack of honesty in your marriage, and that's going to destroy it all by itself. She needs to know that every time she does something behind your back, she's telling you that she can't be trusted and seh doesn't want to show you the real her.

Assuming she isn't intentionally cheating, she's got to realize this secret life is hurting you, and that her friends who like to make suggestive comments are hurting her marriage. It probably is a big change for her to stop getting attention from different men, she probably has grown accustomed to it and likes it. But in a marriage, you need to seek to get your ENs met from your spouse, not other men.

Maybe she is cheating, but I think she atleast need to know that she is eroding your trust with your actions by what you know she is doing.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO ....She deleted them because you would get upset??? If she was totally Open and Honest with you, she would have responded to that request with something along the lines of "I will not do that as I love my Husband very much and that would be disrespectful of him and my marriage" not by deleting the email.

Question: If she deleted the email, how do you know about it?

Let me expound a bit farther:

1) I don't think my wife is having an affair.
2) Although she states that these two individuals are "just previous friends", which I am a bit skeptical on regarding truthfulness of this statement. I do realize that NOTHING can be changed from one's past, and this is NOT the issue, I firmly believe staying in contact with a previous "friends with benefits" person (if, in fact, is the case) is not healthy in ANY relationship. If I am wrong with this thought, please advise me to seek help.
3) All calls placed are via cellular, so recording is impossible.
4) What is the plan should evidence accumulate and/or incriminate? Present my feelings and evidence to a counselor and let that third party address the issue with my wife. If I attempted to approach her on my own, all issues would be tossed back in my face as it being my fault for spying and monitoring. The point would be lost.
5) 14 month invitro baby exists. I simply will not be a part-time dad on a visiation schedule placed by the court. I love my wife, but these issues are not making this marriage much fun. I realize that either I accept what's going on or confront the situation should this escalate.

Any ideas on how to monitor the content of cellular phone calls? Perhaps a listening device in the home? If so, best device opinion?

Thank you again to all my peers that are providing insight. I consider you my peers, for you would be on this website without a basic common ground we are all sharing....marriage difficulties.

A lucky chance glance at our joint (yes, joint!!) email account. It was there, went to deleted mail, then permanently disappeared. I am now finding myself preoccupied watching our email account looking for another conversation. Yes, life is WAY too short and a marriage should be far better than this. Again, I do respect that she said no to him, but the deletion is tough to accept. Maybe I should email this clown and tell him to keep the emails in a friendship many and knock off the nude pix requests from my wife or forget emails altogether. I think that might just blow the lid off a few things!!!!

The only thing I know to monitor cell phones is a device that retrieves erased text messages from SIM cards, although this may not even apply to you.

As for emailing your wife's friend(s), I think it would be better to first write her a letter explaining how you feel about everything. But if you don't think that will help, as you know her better than anyone, then do what you feel is best. It could help to say something to the person who made a comment about your wife/marriage, as that is out of line on their part.

Hope this helps.

time for a voice activated recorder. hide it where she talks on her cell phone (in her car, in your house, etc). also install a keylogger on your computer. she has already proven to be untrustworthy.

Every alarm in the flight deck is on and the controls are shaking.

You need to get a voice activated recorder in her car and the home immediately!

Look around for "snooping" threads.

Install a keylogger on your computer...that will log EVERY keystroke she types and monitor all incoming and outgoing e-mails.

Get a voice-activated recorder for her vehicle.

Maybe even a GPS tracker for her vehicle.

monitoring cell phone usage is a little bit more difficult. You can get logs from your cell company, but that won't give you details, just times, dates, who called, etc.

There is program for blackberry called flexispy.com. Have a look.

All that said, if your gut is telling you something is wrong, well, something is probably wrong. I kept telling myself that there was nothing to worry about...no way my WW would do that to us AGAIN! Boy was I wrong. Sucks, but at least I know now, it's out in the open and we are trying to recover our marriage.

Be strong and hang in there. And keep posting here. Lots of great advice on these boards. And lots of support!

thehereafter,
I say this in your best interests, but you have your head completely buried in the sand. Your thinking does not support a real marriage. Your wife did NOT say no to this guy about the nude pix. She deflected and made you the reason she couldn't send them. She may as well have shouted "I'm going to play a little hard to get, but if you keep asking, I will send them because I obviously don't mind." Again, she did not send them because SHE had a problem with it, but because you would. Explain to us how that attitude will lead to anything but infidelity? She has weak boundaries, if any at all. This may be in the beginning stages of an EA, but I bet its ramping up quickly.

Definitely keylog your computer immediately to spy on any other emails she receives and sends. A DVR is also a good bet for her car as well. Once you find out the truth, because believe me you don't have it, you cannot be afraid to expose anywhere and everywhere.

If her actions cross the line of appropriate behavior for a married woman (and I think they already are), I agree with a few of the BSes here that a line in the sand must be drawn. Women respect strength. They don't respect a guy they can walk all over.