Had a very long coversation with IC today about WH's pattern of deceipt and highly sexualized nature of his affair. She was concerned about possible SA and WH' ability to make healthy choices--especially re: kids! I'm a little freaked-- does this come up often? Help!

Hi bf,

It seems to come up more than most of us would've guessed...

I don't have any first-hand knowledge, but someone on these boards mentioned a web site called "recovery nation." I think that was the name of it.

What about asking your IC for some reference material? Or just Google "sexual addiction."

Collect information. Then see if it fits.

Right Here Waiting

Why does the counselor have this concern?

Has she talked with him separately?

No, the counselor has not met him. She is basing the concern on not just the affair, but some of his other behavior over the past year.

I have done some on-line research and that is one group, if you will, of affair types that can occur (solely as a refelction of sex addiction). It just rattled me to have to think about one more level of dysfunction that I had not really considered.

I talked with some friends who know him and are my support people and they really felt its in the realm of possibility, not likely and not something for me to put too much thought about right now. My focus is on me, anyway.

I really do like my counselor and I think she does challenge me to think about a lot of things about myself that I have not thought about.

Every red blooded male on the planet is addicted to SF! Most of us however have boundaries. This is such a cop out excuse....oh sure he had an A but he can't help it he's addicted to sex...urrrghhhh

Read anything by Patrick Carnes. He's "the" authority on sex addiction. Go to gentle path.com and there's probably some online tests.

Yes, sex addiction can escalate into physical cheating, but generally I think it starts with something else..porn, masturbation, maybe exposing himself, being a peeping tom. I haven't heard of sex addict going straight to cheating, but that isn't to say it doesn't happen.

Does your husband use sex to escape reality? Numb himself from feeling? Use it as a coping mechanism? Does he feel shame after he was with the OW? Vow to stop seeing her, but can't? Does he have sexual problems with you (ED, takes forever to orgasm, unable to orgasm, needs to watch porn while you do it)? Does he ask you to look like/sound like the women he fantasizes about? Have you ever been able to connect during sex?

How's the non-sexual intimacy in your relationship? Did it ever exist? Do you communicate with each other?

How's your mental/emotional status? Did you come from a normal home or a dysfunctional one? If it was dysfunctional, have you made peace with your past? (From my experience and watching others in the same situation, partners who are dysfunctional themselves tend to gravitate to addicts.)

bf,

I get the idea that this is something you do not necessarily believe about your WH, but want to explore. You need to know if there are other demons working against your possible R, in addition to the affair behavior you DO know about. Can't hurt, especially since friends who know him wouldn't rule it out. If it turns out to be a factor, professional treatment for it would be something to add to your list of conditions for WH's return.

Glad you are safely in Plan B while you consider these possibilities. Can you imagine what delving into this during early recovery would do if sexual addiction is NOT involved?

I pray that your research helps you reach the happy conclusion that it is not.

Hugs,

Right Here Waiting

My FWH is a recovering SA, and yes, I was worried about how he was around the children. It seems when you are engrossed in highly sexualized material then what you consider standard becomes a lot more racy than what other's standards are.

His behavior around the kids was, at the best PG-13, and at the worst rated R. Mostly inappropriate jokes, TV, movies. He would second-guess my decisions about keeping the kid's safe...no, it's not OK for my 7yo to go to a family's house overnight I hadn't met, but he would say it was OK. He was also not too careful about keeping his porn stash hidden...and would argue with me about this. His lame argument..."he's not going to turn on the vcr" or "he's not going to click on the computer"...yeah, right...

The killer for me was when I found, using those sheriff search sites, that a convicted sex offender lived across the street from the kid's bus stop. I warned them NEVER to take a ride to school, even if it's rainy or snowy and even if they missed the bus. And printed his picture and warned them about the man. My H defended him and said, "You don't know if he's guilty" ...WOW...I didn't know what to do about that case, just knew I couldn't trust him to judge people to have around the kids...

One day my DS came upstairs very sad...when I asked him what was wrong, he said, "Daddy is looking for another wife" Huh? He said, "His computer has pictures of these women." Ooohhh...so I dialed the number and invited my son to ask dad about this...

So it's been about a year of real recovery (a few years of broken recoveries) and things are looking better. Sometimes his standards for what is OK for the kids are higher than mine...

That was my concern about my DH around the kids...

Well, as delicately as I could I let WH know that my counselor was concerned that there was a larger pattern with his sexual behavior. I also let him know that she suggested that DD4 no longer sleep in the same bed.
Of course, he was "deeply offended" and did not want to talk about it. His mom had suggested that he meet with my counselor (which she had offered) so that she could better understand him.
So, we text back and forth a little -- more of "i've moved on" from him and "I don't know what to say anymore" After that statement, I sent the following:
"how about that the affair had nothing to do with me; nothing to do with your feelings towards me or the marriage. Its about a flaw in you that you would do that to someone. If you were not happy you could have done so many other things besides cheat. I feel like because you cheated and have feelings for OW that it makes it all ok. From my end you could have spoken up years ago, or dealt with our issues like all married people have to. Or you could work on those issues now. Instead you kept everything, and I mean everything, secret and then expect me say, OK, lets do this amicably.
I am in no rush, becasue there are no simple answers. I have not filed for D because our children and our history deverve more. If you don't agree, fine, but I will not hurt my children anymore than they have already been hurt. Contrary to your research, children are hurt by D. I want them to know that vows do mean something and we don't just chuck people in our life because it feels better to be with someone elsse -- especially someone who has no other relational responsibilities than to adore you.
Promises do mean something and your kids could care less if you are being more "honest" with yourself. YOu still lied, you bailed, and got exactly what you wanted regardless of how it affected everyone else.
I feel like a broken record with you, but you've not said one thing that makes me think you've gotten what you've done to others. Its been all about WH from the get go."

I know I broke PLan B, but it felt so good to share some of this with him -- especially the response to his lame a$$, "I don't know what to say," cr@p. There's tons he could say if he were really repentent. He's not at all...

Today is the 1 year anniversary of the start of their affair. I wish I had spectacular, goddess plans, but I'm volunteering at the high school winter homecoming dance -- at least I'll be distracted keeping all those kiddos in line!!!