I am new to this site so forgive me if i don't use the correct abbreviations. Can anyone give me some feedback on a situation i'm faced with? I have been separated from my H for 2 years due to an A he was having with his trainer. Several attempts had been made to reconcile during the separation but when he was told to cut ALL ties he never fully complied. when I finally got tired of waiting for him to come back to me I moved on with my life. Now when the divorce is less than a month away he wants to comply with my requests. Remarkably I have agreed with much hesitation. The Problem: WS now wants me to divulge whether or not i have been sexually active, how many partners, and who they/he were during the separation. He claims this info is important for him to move forward with me. Am I wrong to think that it is totally irrational to demand facts about my doings when he was the one to step out on the marriage?

You were married, I assume you were sexually active while separated, yeah, I think you ought to give him the information he wants IF you really want to reconcile. Otherwise it's a big elephant in the room, ya know?

Do you feel like his sexual partners during your marriage are none of YOUR business?

Why were you dating/having sex while you were still married? What you were doing was also called adultery...So yes, if the two of you are reconciling, then it will require radical honesty...

Mrs. W

Thanks for your response. I already know that the woman he was with when i left the martital home was the same one he continued the relationship with. If he was with any other W, I really don't want to know becasue it will cause further pain. My concern is what he will do with this information. Trust is not there. I'm not sure if he will use it as a sledgehammer when it's convenient.

I think you really need to take your time reconciling. Apparently he still doesn't get it.

HE is the one who had the affair.

Many times, partners want to recover the marriage just before the divorce. Make him earn his way back.

He made it very clear through his actions that he was with the other woman. He continued to see her, and made it public that they were together. I felt rejected embarrased and hurt by his actions.

I am sure that you do, and I am truly sorry for that...It still doesn't excuse your own adultery though...

Check out this Personal History Questionnaire that Dr. Harley (the owner of this site) has couples fill out when he begins counseling with them...~~~> Personal History Questionnaire

Mrs. W

By no means am I excusing it. My question is about his demand that I give him details. I have not asked him for an account of his actions in the two years because he has had affairs before and I learned that when you ask for details you had better be ready to hear the answer. That information about his past indiscretions took a terrible toll. How is this information going to help us move forward? Should he not be focusing on sorting out his stuff and trying to earn hs way back?

Thanks for the questionnaire.

I guess I have to ask a question. Have you been dating and sleeping with a bunch of different guys? What is it that you don't want to tell him?

I understand that he hurt you and I do not blame you for trying to move on with your life...but having said that I wonder what you find so bad that you don't want to tell him the truth.

I just don't see how a marriage can work if people are not honest. I also think you both are entitled to hear what has been going on in each others lives.

Just my opinion but the truth should be told to both of you. I am still wondering how bad could it be that you don't want to tell him?

Did you, by any chance, sleep with someone your WH knows, friend of the family? work buddy?

Could your WH be wondering if men at the neighborhood picnic might have been 'comforting' his BW during his affair?

Sounds like he has had affairs before. In that case, you might want to question whether to divorce him or not.

How long have you been married? Any kids?

It's not bad at all. my concern is about the possible backlash if he is not genuine about this reconciliation. We live in a relatively small community and he has already proven that he can lose control when he's upset. I am concerned that he may use it as a way to further hurt me while trying to vindicate himself so he can run back to the ow. I am concerned that he will humiliate me in order to ease the rumours being circulated about him and the ow. He has already done so in front of his parents when i admitted i had been with someone, he called me a nasty B amongst other things to his parents. I am concerned that he will not stop with jsut the knowledge but may even try to contact the person and make a scene.

All I can say is that you have to take the chance. Until the D is final you never get involved with someone.

Sounds like a lovely man, not. Just move on and get the D over with!

If on the other hand you actually want to reconcile (can't imagine why) I would tell him that he ended the M by having an A. You decided to move on with your life without him and what you've been doing is NONE of his business.

I'm of the opinion that if a BS chooses to not Plan A (crawl) after a WS then wether or not your're not legally divorced does not matter. In Ireland you have to be seperated for 5yrs before you can D! What are you supposed to do there?????

I have historically been honest, but when he asked me in good faith to answer if i had been with anyone while he was with the OW i answered honestly but got blasted. At the top of his lungs in a rage he told his parents and sevral other neighbors within an ear shot, calling me names. Sharing anything more feels unsafe to me. That did not feel like a man i could trust. As I said before he is now demanding that i tell him more or he will not reconcile. WHERE IN ALL OF THIS IS HE WORKING ON HIS STUFF??? Trust me I knw what Ive done, and by no means am i excusing it. It's not my pattern to cheat it is his, so i have no difficulty accepting responsibility. what i question is possibly putting myself and others at risk for somene who has nt yet demonstrated his willingness to be respecful...reflective...

Twenty years...married right out of college. Two girls

I live in a small community with less than 6 degrees of separation. My guess is that he was not concerned about annonymity when he got involved with someone most residents know.

Tread very carefully here. If I surmised this correctly, he has been involved in an affair for around two years and you are a month or two away from a final divorce settlement? He wants you to confess all sexual relationships with names, etc. in order for him to "reconcile"? Nice try. I don't think so buddy. Homey don't play that game!

This is about the time for him to have cold feet and wonder if he made the right choice. HOWEVER, if he is completely sincere, what you did after he left you should not be a deciding factor in reconciliation. What HE does should be. He should be willing and able to do whatever it takes. YOU decide what quantifies those expectations, not him.

Whatever you say and do may be used against you in a court of law.

I get that, but you KNOW who you need to be on the lookout for. Maybe he needs the same info.

I understand it is a messy situation, and I get that it all started with your WH's affair (I assume). I understand your being insulted that he thinks he gets any right to question your actions while he was parading OW around town.

BUT, if you may want to reconcile (and it sounds like you might need to think about this some more), I would think he probably should know if neighbor A, B, or C has intimate knowledge of his wife.

Trust me, I understand your anger.

I just read Shattered05's reply and she made a great point.

IF you think he is sincere, I can see a reason for him to know who, since I am assuming it is someone he knows.

BUT his sincerity should be questioned VERY carefully.