I agree with shattered as well. That was another concern that one of my friends warned me about. He is insisting that i tell him what he wants to know...not when i feel comfortable, or when he proves himself worthy of being back in my life...but "in order for HIM to move on" I agree with much of what is taught in Dr. Harvey's program, but the honesty piece needs to be with careful guidance. At this point i am not getting any financial gain from the impending divorce so his only benefit would be to smear me and vindicate self. Sounds a little paranoid...but i am feeling pressured to do something i am not yet comfortable with because at this junction there are more wys it ca go wrong than right.

He has a right to know everything. You don't have the right to the privacy to commit adultery. What if your relations with OM during the separation are something he CAN'T get over? He might choose to move on and that is his right. Where do you get off telling him what he should or shouldn't be focusing on? Are you his mommy?

:crosseyedcrazy:

I just read shattered's post and think she makes a GREAT POINT I would have never considered. Do you live in a state where adultery makes a difference in a divorce settlement? If you DO, I would not tell him anything until AFTER the divorce is final, if you have any suspicion he is trying to use this information in a divorce.

But, if you truly are going to reconcile, then he has every right to know everything. And you should also know everything about his life too. Radical honesty is the foundation of recovery.

If WH is going to jump on you after his error, he still seems to be very much into his fog. Let him fix his way first to show that he is serious in recovery.

Has he publicly showed remorse. Given OW a NC note with your approval. Quit the gym.

The rule of thumb around here - is do not believe a WS words, believe their actions.

Dump him and don't look back. You say he has cheated on you multiple times already. Now he wants back into your life, demands you reveal any sexual activity, and then publicly blasts you for it, as if he has any moral high ground here.

From your limited account here, I would say that your "husband" is a piece of trash and you should cut him out of your life as thoroughly as the courts will allow. Do not admit anything that could be used against you. Just tell him its none of his business and continue with the divorce. If he truly wanted to reconcile, I would say he had a right to the information, but its obvious from his attitude that he doesn't think he needs to change at all.

Ditto

I think your name says it all. Are you sure you want to go through with this?

Charlotte

Go with your gut.

I would keep this man out of your life as much as possible.

ppd

Unfortunately you were married but separated when you dated and slept with OM/OM's.
I believe legally one can date during separation but legal does not always make it morally right.

Being that you had an affair. Your and your H get to wear two hats. W hat and the B hat.

Your status as a WW and your WH gives each the responsibility to tell in as much detail about their affair as their BS want's to know.

What a BS can forgive and forget about their WS's affair is unique to that BS.

It's not about keeping affair scores. It's about putting questions to rest with answers.

"I learned that when you ask for details you had better be ready to hear the answer. That information about his past indiscretions took a terrible toll. How is this information going to help us move forward?"

Is this you wanting your WH from this terrible toll?

It will allow him to put this in the past. Unanswered questions will never go away. They will wear on him. This will keep a barrier in your marriage. Instead of all his energy directed on the marriage, these unanswered questions will only divert away and waste some of his energy.

You became a WW. In the mind of every BH she did it once she can do it again. I'll recover because I want her but I have to be vigilant that the OM/OM's never come sniffing around.

How does a BH know which fox/foxes does he have to keep an eye out for to protect his hen house. WW say's you can trust me to tell you. Yea right. The person that had an affair and refuses to be honest about it. Shows the BH that he can trust you.

There also can be the fear of who you "did". The BH's life long nemesis'. I could spell out reasons why it would be more painful depending on who the OM/OM's were. That's not needed.

You don't want to tell for the reasons WS's don't want to. Your BH needs to be told, and wants to be told for the reasons BH's want to.

This is why only the BH get's to decide what has to be told.

As the BW you don't want to ask or be told fine.
As the WW you dont' get to decide what has to be told.

Why do you we always say do not date until the divorce is final?

Just want to say thanks to you all for your feedback. I had to leave work early today as my only accomplishment was making myself sick with worry about the decision i face. Believe me...i hear those who say he has a right to the information he is asking for. However, i side with those who questioned the timing and urgency of the request. This issue will no doubt be discussed by the weekend with H. Shattered..., I will tread lightly.

By the way, someone asked earlier if he cut contact with the ow. All I know is what he told me he has done. I did not hear the conversation he had, nor was there a letter. I don't know if he said it was over or if he said just give me some space. He still has a part time job with her which he says he will have to give the 30 day notice. He also inserted that at this job he is not there during her hours. There are still two other associations they have in common that he says either she or he will pull back.

The expression around here is trust but verify. WS's always, always lie.

Why is he suddenly leaving her anyway?

After saying earlier today that you MUST tell. I had an aha moment.

This could be a ploy for him just to get the "dirt" on you.

Tell WH their is no point in talking about the past because we are divorcing. If you don't want to divorce then you will have to do the following.

I will let the divorce go through unless NC letter which I get to approve and send, and he moves out on the OW. Then he has to be transparent to verify NC. Passwords, cell phone access.

Then have him agree to counseling where you will be willing to answer his questions.