Been married 11 yrs., together for 14. Two kids and very happy. Recently my wife joined a social networking website (facebook) and has been on the site every day. A lot of it is old friends, etc. but she has connected with three or four old boyfriends as well. I had told her it was fine just keep me informed as her staying in touch with old flames has been an issue as she did it behind my back early on in our relationship. Conversations seem to be harmless however I have noticed she sometimes tries to hide them from me. I have now found myself checking email, etc. She thinks I am being a jealous freak. I do trust her, but can't seem to get my arms around this...I have never reconnected with any old girlfriend and it just puzzles me. Again, I don't think there is anything going on as all of these guys live faraway and there has been no hint of any inappropriate dialogue - am I being crazy or should I be worried?

Be worried. A healthy marriage does not include secret conversations with old flames.

I am glad that you have found this site early. Your wife is playing with fire and you, Sir are allowing it. Pick up a book called Hedges. Can't remember the author right now but it tells you how to protect your M. Do alot of reading on this site. This board is populated by BS (betrayed spouses) who wish that they had caught their S at the point that you have. It is not a matter of trust. It is inappropriate to reconnect with members of the opposite sex that you had previous emotional and/or sexual relationships with.

Get His Needs, Her needs, a book available on this site and try to find out what EN (emotional needs) your wife has that you are not meeting. Being on the site daily shows the beginning of obsession.

She hid such things in the past. Huge red flag.Check her cell phone. Trust but verify.

God's Blessings,

Say

As you read the article on this site you will realize that the principles are focused on the premise that we are all predisposed to cheat.

This is why boundaries are set so that our spouses will know what to expect.

Another "radical" facility is the concept of a marriage of absolute honesty - past, present and future.

Your wife's attempt to shield her communications with ex bf is a sign of guilt. I personally would not have my SO communicate with any ex as it allows old feeling to be rekindled. Lots of BAD stories documented on here.

Please google "the fifteen steps to unfaithfulness" to chart where you think that your wife may have reached along the scale.

Her comments of her accusing you of being paranoid is what we call "gaslighting" here at MB.

Do not tell her that you are posting. This will give away your tactical advantage.

Jolly good that you are posting early. How did you find us?

Well put saynomore.

ACK! Yes, be worried, very, very worried! You are NOT crazy and are dead on the money right to feel the way you do. Your wife is playing with FIRE, and it MUST stop.

I am a FWW (former wayward wife), my affair was with an old boyfriend that contacted me through classmates.com. KiwiJ is another FWW that posts here, and her affair was also with an old boyfriend. There are many others here as well - old flame situations are combustible. What your wife is doing is like playing with dynamite.

Dr. Harley (the owner of this site) explains that there will always be a low burning flame for former "lovers"...that flame can be reignited at any time.

You are absolutely RIGHT to be alarmed by your wife's behavior. It is NOT okay. The "hiding" of things from you is also a giant red flag.

Do you have a keylogger on her computer? I think it would be wise.

The key here I believe is discussing this with your wife in a way that she sees that you LOVE and CHERISH her so much that protecting your marriage is highly important to you. Approach it from a team perspective, telling her that it is crucial that you both come together to ensure that you have the happiest, healthiest marriage possible. Explain that you would never wish to behave in way that makes her feel threatened or uncomfortable and that you are asking for the same in return.

Mrs. W

Glad I posted.....found this site through some internet searching as I wasn't sure where to go.

I will trust but verify - good advice

That needs to stop. She should never have contact with old flames. That is how affairs start. It is disrespectful to you and you are right to be worried.

You know how many affairs begin long distance on the internet? We see them here every day. People abandon their families for internet flings.

Your wife is hiding something so if I were you, I would go buy a keylogger [www.spectorpro.com] and put it on her computer to find out what she is doing. If you need the reports emailed to you, use eblaster. Better to find out NOW and nip it in the bud.

I am one of those and I would say it is inappropriate for her to have friends of the opposite sex (that are not a couple that is a friend of both you and your wife).

If there was nothing to hide, why would she need to hide anything?

You should be a jealous freak to protect your marriage. Do NOT trust her, that is when affairs happen.

I have only been here 2 months and have seen a ton of long distance affairs.

puzzled,

"THE INTERNET IS THE DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND!!"

I have said it before and, well, I guess I just said it again.

I would characterize the internet as being a great tool, a resource unlike any before it. allows communication around the world in a matter of seconds. brings people and ideas together. There are some people who use it for the wrong reasons, but the same thing can be said about cell phones, home phones, cars, etc. Your wife is using the internet for the WRONG reasons!

I was actually going to type a very eloquent post after my initial vent concerning the DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND but I hit the submit button instead of the preview post button and away it went. But then it kind of said what I wanted to say, so I did not edit it.

Puzzled, is your wife a stay at home mom? If so, and she can't stay away from face book, she is addicted to it.

My wife did not work, no kids, and started surfing the internet, then found chat rooms, met the OM, exchanged pleasantries, started sending emails, then calling each other, and finally met at the local no-tell motel. He flew into town, and they met while I was at work. THEY DID THIS FOR 3 YEARS!!

I of course was clueless.

Anyway, there is no reason for a married person to have a facebook or my space page.

AND, that she is hiding or will minimize the screen when you walk in the room, IS A DEAD GIVEAWAY!

You are not crazy. You have every right to be concerned.

Keylogger is the way to go. You can talk to her and tell her how you feel, but you are taking away her DRUG!! And she might just go deeper underground.

Nip it in the bud, before it gets much worse.

IMHO

kirk

I would be a victim of an old HS GF. In our case, as in yours, it spanned decades. She never got over him. She called him the day of her wedding wanting him to come take her groom's place.
When her H got a job working out of town, she called my H and insinuated he could come see her. My H told me about it. She got a call from me. She worked her way into the family by frequenting their places of business and when email became available, she only needed one address to find out my H was working out of state. It was on. When I found one undeleted email from him to her, I blew up. He promised never to email her again.....then she started calling him....he pulled a" slick
Willy". You know " what is the definition of "IS"". This went on for 2 yrs. I will never be the same. These people just seem to not want to go away. Oh, I have had my say to her and her family now knows what she is, but it doesn't hurt any less.

I guess its very "heady" to have a spouse and a suitor fauning over you at the same time. It's just all crap, stop it and keep your eyes open. I agree the internet is the playground for many devils. GF

Thanks to all here. So I confronted wife back then and we hadd a week of sit down talks....all of the air was cleared. Things were great.

She leaves today for a trip with friends - 10 girls. Tonight I get into her facebook page as I don't have one to check on some friends. IM pops up from one of her old flames and he says "sorry I called you a dummy"

Clearly they are are talking via instant messenger and enough so that he is apologizing. I am so upset don't know what to do

Need some help

Have installed a keylogger

So do I wait for her to return to confront? Confront now over the phone? Or let things play out an monitor with keylogger

Sad thing is I am love her very much and we have three little, awesome kids...WHAT DO I DO

It really depends. My W is still friends with a few of her ex's. She was friends with them long before I met her.

Your W should not however be hiding conversations from you. This is a serious

Be weary and monitor

Thing is they haven't spoken in years....and she knows it bothers me as she has done this before. I am ok is she has male friends but there is a history with this guy

Just try and relax. Hopefully its all innocent. Just keep monitoring with keylogger.

But even if it is innocent, she should stop if it makes you uneasy.

Whats more important to her - her M or talking with this guy?

Read what I wrote to you in November. Also, My H does have a few female friends that he keeps in contact with. There are about 4 of them. They call about once every 18 months to 2 years. They call the house phone and he speaks to them in my presence, then i speak to them as well. This is how "old friends keep up", maybe more frequently, but at least not secretely, like the one old bitty who declared her undying love for my H did. GF

Call this scumbag up and tell him to cease and desist!! He is no friend to your marriage, just tell him to butt out!!. Don't be asking him any questions, just take charge and let him know that YOU know!! OK? you got it?...don't roll over for him, now. GF