One of the most difficult things I had to learn during plan A was how and when to hold/bite my tongue. It wasn't productive when I would just spew out whatever tidbit popped into my mind.

It sounds like you are giving up; that this long distance -trying to save your marriage- isn't working very well. Now he's with you and it is hard to follow through with how you wanted to behave. Being separated so much makes that all the more difficult to reconnect under normal circumstances let alone when there is an A to deal with.

7 yrs is not a long marriage. I would hope his own three kids would be enough to make it difficult to think of a D...and be so far away most of the time. As the distance and time lengthens maybe it is making it easier for him to live as a single man without the responsibilities of a family...out of site...out of mind...to trick himself.

It is difficult to go back and forth (to Europe) with him when you have school aged kids. He seems to be saying that it was all your decision to move to the Caribbean. I thought you had said this was a mutual decision. He is typically rewriting history.

I don't have an solutions for you. If you divorce will you be able to stay on the island or would you move to the states closer to your family?

What about trying to sell the island properties or using a property manager and moving the family back to France or where ever in Europe he is from/living? The distance certainly isn't conducive to marriage building....let alone your kids having their Dad in their life...his being a workaholic or not. This must be so difficult for the kids.

I'm so sorry. But I agree with trix, I'd consider moving just so the kids will be nearer to him. You can always go back to this lifestyle later, after the kids are grown. You can't replace their father.

Aw, Q, I'm so sorry to hear this. WH still sounds fully wayward, but you've had no chance, really, to make your case. Guess he thinks he's "in love." Poor dunce.

And now you don't want to reconcile anymore. Perfectly understandable. The real kicker is that his affair will almost certainly crumble. It could never become a happy marriage, no matter what he thinks now.

It's particularly distressing that he refuses any financial support. What he doesn't realize is that he will HAVE to provide it in a divorce. You have complicated circumstances, but I cannot imagine ANY jurisdiction where children would not have to be supported. He has no idea how his finances are going to be affected, but that's not your problem, is it?

If your roller coaster should tilt the other way, I agree with the others that the only hope you would have is to be geographically near him. But if that's out of the question for you, D is the only answer.

So very sorry it's worked out this way. I just want to smack him.

Stay with us, girl. Could be more tough times coming up.

Right Here Waiting

WH is definitely wayward - and still in the fog. But I do think that if I were willing to try, that maybe he would too. It's just that he has said too many things that are too awful to ever forget. He was almost physically violent with me the other day and I was scared enough to think of calling the police. (he did not hit me but was swingin his arms around and could have). He has threatened over and over again regarding a settlement - and then at other times said that he will be really reasonable. I also seem to be focused on the cheating, sneaking around and building a life with this woman while pretending to be my H still. I can't seem to get past that and as far as I can tell it is still happening. I keep thinking that the 'fog' is just an excuse for him to behave terribly. If I blame the 'fog', i'm not blaming him.

I almost feel like this all happened for a reason. I feel a huge sense of relief and almost constant happiness when I am not around him. Seeing the psych has impacted my life as has a lot of the reading I've done. I know I have a lot more distance to cover and feel some guilt towards the kids for not trying harder. I also realize I will be in big trouble financially but I will figure that out somehow. What I need to do on that end is not think about how much$$ WH is making- just try to forget it.

WH continues to say that we will separate but he does not want a divorce - still not sure. I just say that I want one. In any case where we live there s a 3 year separation before divorce. There is no way around that - so in theory we could change our minds still and have plenty of time to think about doing so. I do not want to move there, though.

It's 1:20am and I'm exhausted - this message probably needs edting but I am running off to bed. More later.
xx

Q,

We knew he'd be foggy, due to ongoing involvement with OW and the relative ineffectiveness of a long-distance Plan A. No surprise there, but it still hurts. ((((Q))))

"WH continues to say that we will separate but he does not want a divorce."

Have you asked him WHY he doesn't want a divorce? Ask him! If he believes he "loves" this woman, and he doesn't love you, why would he not rush to divorce to be with her? If he can't/won't say, can you imagine why? Think.

A wayward will be perfectly willing to cake eat, until something happens that precipitates choosing one way or the other. An A is, by its nature, unstable. Reality will intrude, sooner or later. He cannot control what life will dish up any better than you can.

I do think that if I were willing to try, that maybe he would too.

Can you see it your own ambivalence in this unstable situation as well? Despite your declarations that you want a divorce to shut the door on the pain? A reclaimed marriage could do the same thing, but when his A ends, what would that take? I hear that you are not willing to leave the lifestyle you have on the island. If that remains your truth, it is your (legitimate) reason for the D choice. But if you reached a point where it would be safe for you to join your H (e.g. after the A is over), would you exchange your current living arrangements to recover the M?

It's just that he has said too many things that are too awful to ever forget.

I also seem to be focused on the cheating, sneaking around and building a life with this woman while pretending to be my H still.

u]If I blame the 'fog', i'm not blaming him.[/u]

I don't think any BS can ever forget the awful things our WS's have said and done to us. Those things still haunt us all, I think, from time to time, well into recovery. And "fog" is no excuse, but it is an explanation of his messed-up thinking--his brain is besotted with all the literal feel-good chemicals an affair activates. It is scientifically proven that this chemical bath fades over time, hence affairs end (and honeymoons in marriage as well).

Bs's can compartmentalize those hurtful words and deeds when the things our recommitted FWS's say and do, over time, assure us that they regret their past behavior, and we see evidence that they think/feel/behave very differently now. You have yet to hear remorse or any desire to make reparations from your WH, so your pain remains in the forefront of your mind. Makes you think divorce. Perfectly understandable.

If that were to change, how would you feel?

Good news/bad news is that you will have a 3-year waiting period before D would take effect. Time.

Good news: IF his affair fizzles during that time, and there's a good chance it will, is there a tiny spark inside you that could be reignited? I'm sensing there is, so it's best to protect it, for your long-term happiness and that of your children.

Bad news: If he takes too long, you will lose what little spark you have left and it's curtains.

Worst of all: Being stuck in the "between."

Whatever you do, Q, know that you have care and support here.

Right Here Waiting