.I came to this site just over a year ago looking for advice on exposure. Like many newly betrayed spouses I was in a state of confused panic. I read the books, i asked questions, followed threads and learned a lot from the good people here.

For several months I went through the ups and downs of false recoveries. Above all I remember the sleepless nights when my WW did not come home. Its been six months since I had a sleepless night and I hope to never have another.

I followed the program as best I could, plan A then plan B. It just didn't work. Last week we went to court and were granted a divorce. I have primary physical custody of my kids. I got all my wife's equity in the house (her parents live here too and own 1/2) and I gave up 65% of my 401K which was my only other real asset.

My kids are doing OK so far. They still see their mom every day and stay over with her once a week. They are 51/2 year old twins and 7 year old. I never did expose to the kids as some suggest. I went with my gut on that and am glad I did. im sure they will figure it out eventually and we will have to deal with that.But above all kids that age need to feel safe and secure and Dad saying bad things about Mom does nothing to foster the atmosphere of safety and security.

A year ago I was terrified about what divorce would mean to my kids. It was the main reason I spent the next 8 months living with a woman I did not trust one bit. I have no doubt that life would be better for them if the WW decided to recommit to the marriage when I gave her the opportunity. But she did not and they have survived and they are doing great. This is not going to ruin their lives.

One day they will ask why their mom and dad are not married. And I feel that I can answer that question far better than I could have answered the question - why are you still married to mom?- had I chosen to live in a perpetual state of disrespect.

I came here today for the first time in months and saw the same questions about exposure,polygraphs time lines for recovery, and no contact. I see the same people giving the same advice and I am full of admiration for those people who stay here year after year and try to offer help in the face of overwhelming odds of failure.

In the past year I have learned 3 things that may help a newly betrayed spouse:

1) If you follow the advice of Dr. Harley and most of the people her, you may fail but you will feel better for having tried. You will be able to look your kids in the eye with a clear conscience.

2) No matter what you do and how hard you try, if the wayward does not make the effort to save the marriage there is nothing and I mean NOTHING you can do to save the marriage.

3)You are at the lowest point of your life at the moment, but if 1 year from now you either have a repentant wayward spouse or are divorced, you will be sleeping much better. If you are still living with an unrepentant wayward, then you are in a situation which I can not imagine could have a positive outcome.


Best Wishes and my prayers to you all.

AMEN!

I check on some people that touched me, I offer my personal advice. But, I must say, that NOTHING could have saved my M also.

Once someone has 'checked out' completely, it is not likely they will return. And it is sad.

I also agree that telling the kids is NOT always the best thing. If the parent is a good parent (in regards to the kids) I think that it is better for them to know that, than to "know" about the A and how the WS left the BS. JMHO.

It sucks to be a single parent, but this site is great for helping to pull yourself out of the ashes of a destroyed M. It helped me so much too.

I wish you well!

I read your story and I see a sucess!!!

Recovery of any kind is better then floundering around like a WS.

My M is not recovered...but I am well on my way to personal recovery!

ANY person that seeks help....even from total strangers...is doing the good work.

You're a winner in my book. You're a man who got primary custody of his children and kept them out of the hands of an unrepentant adulteress.

So you must have kept your wits about you and done the right things to make this happen.

I don't measure success by saving a marriage or not. I view it as saving your marriage OR preserving your rights as a father. You did the latter.

It's far better to be divorced, with a healthy amount of time with your kids, and with the opportunity to find real and true love again than to be stuck in a marriage with a person who has no morals or doesn't accept what they did. I'd rather have a fresh meal than sloppy seconds any day.

So you, my friend, are a winner, not a loser and your children will one day understand who took the high road and put them first and who looked out for their own self interests.

Well put P!

I notice we don't have a thread to help BHs with custody....I see there are quite a few (I hope to join them). I would love a thread to pull all this info together.

betterorworse, I am not going to call you a failure, because sometimes the definition of success *IS* divorce. Failure is living in a destroyed marriage with an alienated, cheating WS living on the fumes of hope year after year.

You are a SUCCESS in every sense of the word.