Hey Everyone,

After reading this board for a few weeks, you just can't ignore the encouragement within to sign up, and post your story. So I will. I'll try to keep my stream of conscienceness posting style in chronological order, but no promises

Also as a preface, we are not legally married. We do however share a house, cars, and children, etc.

We've been together for nearly 4 years. We have a child and he is 2 and half now. We met while we were both married through a car forum, and began obsessively chatting with each other through instant messenger. Due to her husband, our contact was broken off for about a month, at the end of this month's period my wife leaves me, coincidently on the same day she left her husband.

Mind you, nor her ex-h, or my ex-w knew of what I now know to be an EA. So we started seeing each other, lots of drinking, lots and lots of sex, while at the same time I'm in ultra-pursuit mode of my ex-w.

My GF had moved in by this time, and one fateful night, I go out, and I cheat on her with my now ex-w. The next day I admit to the affair, and tried to end our relationship, it felt so ashamed that I couldn't carry on in the relationship.

I had been keeping a journal on divorcebusters' website, which my GF was reading, so she essentially knew everything anyway, when I called to confess, she forgave me, and fought like hell to stay with me. I still didn't have my [censored] together.

We were together for nearly a year before becoming pregnant, in the beginning we had a wonderful sexual relationship. Towards the end of pregnancy it went downhill a bit.


Since the baby was born, sex has button the hot button issue, it slowly wained off. And boy did I persue. She became a SAHM and pretty much spent all her time on the computer.

Money problems. Cashing in change to buy baby formula, I really hated my life, and I really resented her. Nothing but contempt from this woman, nearly at all times. Except when I managed to get her drunk and have sex with her.

What an awesome guy huh?

I did the normal male descent into madness, become a total nice guy, got really overweight, really insecure and just over all a bleeding wound of a person.

Then I found NMMNG, got my [censored] together, lost all that weight and then some, and stopped being such a terribly insecure person.


Now, lets add some more details.

The day my son was born, I moved a friend from several states away to my state, and got him a job with my company. Things were descent at first, we worked together in the same department in the same positions. But it quickly became a power struggle, he swiftly social-mined my support structure, convinced my friends I was a sociopath and I no longer speak to any of them.

While doing this, I was still trying very hard to be friends with him, and deal with my failing and miserable relationship, confiding in him, venting to him. Unbeknown to me, he was carrying on a friendship with my GF over instant messenger.


The details are fuzzy, and she admits to nothing other then one day saying to me "I told xxxxxx I couldn't talk to him anymore because its interfering with my relationship". This is all I ever hear about it, though I would ocassionally glimpse at her on her computer playing online video games being grouped with him.

Moving forward, about a year ago, she goes back to work. She works in an environment filled with men, and a few women, an auto shop.

Im following the no more mr nice guy program, hard. Working HARD, reading this site, started reading "the game", learning "women skills". I just keep trying with her, and trying with her. Slowly over time, she becomes obsessed with her social circle at work.

Its all choppy and stop and go. Sometime during the summer she went out to "buy a couple shirts", was gone for 3 hours, and when I called at the end of the three hours to see whats up, I got a txt message back. I called back a handful of times, but didn't get a return call for a couple of with some babble about checking out.


She starts "leaving her phone at her desk to charge" during lunch at work.

I start snooping, she took a pic of her boobs (clothed) and sent it to me on my phone by request. I pop into her email, and she had forwarded it to herself as well, check the trash, oh she forwarded to her self on another SECRET email account.

I probe, get nothing.

I confront, and get fogged and babbled.

I doormat ;(

Suddenly becomes interested in getting new victoria's secret underwear.

We start our "I'm not happy" cycle roughly every two weeks after the underwear thing, and against everything I've learned, I still just doormat.

About 2 weeks ago, she comes home about a half hour late from work, and is just upset, shes "so stressed". (Wasn't stressed in our txt's throughout the day). Standing in the kitchen doorway, tearing up, about to cry. "I just had a bad end of day".

Next day, I get an "Im not happy" text message. Jump on the net and we chat on aim for a bit, and its all about her feeling guilty that we don't have sex and other such non-reality based babble.

She takes off for the weekend to 'her friends house'. No calls, etc, I don't call etc. She shows up on Sunday morning showered, a little makeup telling us how much she missed us, and can't sleep without us. Blah blah.

I just show support, I don't judge or probe about her weekend. First couple days after she came back, she started doing things to meet me EN (no SF ofc). But then slowly tapers back, and cycling back and forth from engagement to withdrawl.

So yeah, I'm pretty sure shes in an affair, ea, pa who gives a crap really, its all the same. Combing her phone records is next to useless, she uses her email at work, and instant messenger on her phone to leave no traces.


Can't afford a PI, key logger on home PC is now installed, locating a boost phone now.

Advice?

You and your GF are both adulterers.

What made you foolish enough to think that would change?

If this is a true story then walk away, try not to screw up the child you already have and don't reproduce anymore.

Apox, what you describe here is an AFFAIR. You are in an affair. You are shacking up with a cheater and that is what cheaters do. They CHEAT. I am sorry you signed on for this. But you CHOSE a cheater and she is not committed to you in any way. You are not married so she is a free agent.

Thank you everyone for promptly judging me. I feel much worse then before.

No one judged you.

You're just seeing the results of your choices.

Okay, so because I have had an affair, the obvious choice is to kick her out of the house, never have more children with anyone else ever again and to operate on the premise that inherently I will [censored] my children up if I don't 'try not to'?

I understand that most people on this board are betrayed spouses, and obviously I'm linked to the terrible feelings you have towards your spouse's affair partner, but I have to apologize for not being them.

As well, I know how you feel -- I didn't begin my relationship with my GF till after my Wife at the same was having an affair herself.

So while I understand the result of the choices I've made, it doesn't change the fact that my world is pretty [censored] up and I'm reaching out only to be poked ast.

I think what they are trying to say is that you got into a relationship with a person who would (and did) have an affair. That person did not end her marriage before she started up with you. She did not honor her commitment.

Now you are here, surprised that she is ready to dump you, is not invested in your relationship, and is ready move on yet again?

I think this is known as BED.MADE.LIE

People define themselves by their actions and their choices.

You chose to commit adultery.

You chose to "play house" with your adultery partner.

You chose to have a child out of wedlock with that partner.

You chose to cheat on your adultery partner.

You chose to remain in the relationship with your adultery partner, even though it appears you are pretty certain that she is cheating on you.

The GOOD news is, if you actually do feel bad about the choices you've made, there may be hope for you yet, as some part of you recognizes them as bad choices.

However, to get yourself out of the situation that you're in, you will have to make some more choices, some of which are likely going to be even more difficult and unpleasant.

Are you up to that task?

You don't have to apologize to any BS here. But you need to apologize and make amends to those you have hurt. You feel bad? So what. What have you done to make amends for the wrong you have done to others?

You justify your A because your exW had one...doesn't sound like you are owning anything. When you say you got your [censored] together, what does that mean exactly?

apox, first off I didn't judge you, I simply stated facts. You feel judged by the TRUTH because you know its true.

This is not a marriage, but an AFFAIR. And it is true that you volunteered for this. When you shack up with a cheater.........they cheat.

Those are just true facts and your argument is with the truth, not me.

Secondly, I would suggest that it was a lack of judgement that led you into this mess. When one does not judge right from wrong they end up in messes like yours. So I would say that MORE JUDGEMENT is warranted, not LESS.

I am a BS and I am not judging you. You are not married to this woman. She has no commitment to you nor you to her. She cheated with you, and now she is cheating on you. Get a voice activated recorder and put it in her car. Snoop and find out for sure. Decide if you want to be with her for the rest of your life, read up on MB principles and either use them or get rid of her.

Advice? Develop a moral code, make sure your actions are in keeping with it, and bust a gut to become the kind of mature father that your son desperately needs.

You've just described a situation where no-one is following any principle beyond self-gratification. The fact that 'everyone' is doing it around you doesn't make it right or wise. You're in a relationship that started in betrayal (your wife's possible betrayal doesn't negate your own), that wasn't based on mutual respect or mature commitment, and where the only aspect of importance to you was/is the sex.

And you wonder why it's falling apart? Really? What on earth do you think a solid relationship is supposed to look like?

There's a small child involved here who needs much better than he's got. Children need adult parents and one of you needs to grow up.

TA

The posters here are giving you good advice, but you aren't taking it seriously because it isn't the advice you want. What you want us to tell you is how to get your girlfriend to stop cheating on you. That's not what goes on here. What goes on here is an attempt to build and save marriages. You aren't married so there is nothing to build or save. And because your relationship with this woman was born from an affair, there is no solid foundation to build on. This is a very, very common result of affair-based relationships/marriages and the statistics bear it out. We cannot offer you a solution of how to save your relationship because even Dr. Harley has not been able to figure out how to save affair-based marriages. So rather than waste your time trying to fix what cannot be fixed, your best choice is to move on.

I'm not trying to dodge the fact that I did wrong, or that I adversely affected her exhb's life, but SHE made the choice to affect her exhb, and I made the choice to affect my exwf.

Just at this point, I need to move in any direction and really appreciate constructive criticism.

Move out.

Provide financial support for your child.

Refrain from any relationship and especially casual sex.

Find out if you really desire to be a good human being. I'd suggest some volunteer work. Nothing humbles one like working a soup kitchen. Learn some empathy.

The house is in my name. So no, I'm not moving out.

As well, my child will always be provided for, and I refuse to give up custody of him.

Of course I have the desire to be a good human being, like I said friend, I fully own what I've done, and I'm even considering calling her exhb and apologizing.

Until today, no, I didn't realize I was in an affair based relationship. So maybe in retrospect, the last four years being as miserable as they were, the result of poor choices. I understand this.

But, once again dude. Quit projecting your anger on me.

Apox,

From one serial cheater to another...

Learn a new language. The language of honesty and ownership.

"I attacked my marriage with infidelity. I didn't cheat on my GF with my xW...I continued cheating on my real wife with OW."

You had to lie a lot to yourself to choose infidelity...and mixing up who you were really cheating on (the marriage) and with is reasonable...when we self-deceive, everything gets fuzzy.

Why not begin right now to unravel the self-deception you practiced for the last five years? You're worth the effort...and what you change, changes everything.

How long were you married and did you have any children with your xW?

Do you believe your son is in good hands right now with a wayward mother, that she is focused on him and has his best interests at heart?

I was the product of infidelity...and I have a son who is also. I'm not talking out of my hat here. I don't even wear hats.

What you chose to do didn't just affect your BW...what we do ripples...affects many, and continue to ripple for generations. Not within our control...only the initial choice was ours. Then it's out of our hands.

You hurt your xW, attacked two marriages, and you didn't do any of that glibly or becuase your BW was having an A. Find out your own whys, piece by piece, permission by permission and then put into place extraordinary boundaries around yourself to insure the buck stops with you. Now.

You have custody to face with your son...move on it right now. Document her absences, lateness, etc. Be there for your son, Apox. File for custody first...because you guys aren't married. Be proactive...she isn't cheating on your marriage...she's cheating herself, her son and you. Her actions have natural and logical consequences.

It's okay to say, "I know you're doing what I did before. I won't do that again. This is unacceptable. This is unhealthy, harmful and cruel."

Don't tell...file...to establish your paternal rights and responsiblities. To bring reality.

You may not want to marry this woman...maybe that's why you guys haven't. Is your xW married to someone else now?

LA

Your girlfriend is dishonest, secretive, and sneaky.
Do you want to stay with a person like that?

Do you think she will change?

I was married for 10 months, together for 4 years. We had no children, we were both in our early 20s. She ended up getting together with one of my bestfriends/groomsmen while we were still married and living together.

When I slept with my exwf, we had been seperated and living apart for about 8 months.