I wanted to ask this here even though I am divorced.

I recently posted an update about the impending birth of my first grandchild and got to wondering if xW was ever going to contact us again. So, I just asked my xMIL what she thought since she was over for breakfast with the kids. Anyway, she had a letter for me from xW that she has had since new years but was not supposed to give to me unless I asked. Here is the gist of the letter.

xW is going to come back to the USA in March or April - that has been her plan since around Christmas. Then a bunch of crap about how she has grown so much as a person etc. Then the crazy talk begins. She says that she has always loved me, and that she forgives me for divorcing her (???). She goes on to say we can start dating when she gets back and see where it goes from there.

So here are my problems.

1) She wanted the divorce in the end, I was willing to suck it up if she would stay and be a good mother.

2) She doesn't even mention the children, at all.

3) I seriously think she is crazy to think I would want to date her? I don't ever want to even see her again.

Would you guys respond to this? I could do it through my xMIL. The letter was not intended for her but I let her read it. She is hopping mad at xW, but is also concerned about her mental health.

Dear Ex,

Read your letter. Not happening. Stay in Italy.

Ciao

Depends on the mood. Either don't respond or keep it short and sweet:

Dear exWW,

FU

Sincerly,
6yearsleft

I like it, I could write it in italian. I needed a little boost of humor.

Gabe

Dear ExW,

I don't date scum.
Do you have any nice single girlfriends?

Sincerely,

6Years


Seriously, it seems like back when she was so eager to divorce, take your generous financial settlement, and run off to Italy to "find herself" - seems like back then everyone was saying she didn't see any of it a real. That she would run through the money then come back for more. That she'd divorce, go play for a while, and come back to date and re-marry "when she was ready".

Boy, the folks on here nailed all that.

The omission of the children is very telling. It's all about her and her comfort, nothing more, nothing less.

I'm puzzled as to why you xMIL wasn't supposed to give you the letter unless you asked. Asked for what?

TA

TA,

xWW told xMIL that she should hold onto the letter because it would not mean anything to me until I asked for it. I don't get it, seems like some romantic dreamy thing she had in mind.

6YL:

Didn't you expect this?

She didn't mention the children, because they are not part of this discussion. (You might think, Why not? I will come back to that.)

It's been six-eight months. Italy is nice, but reality is different than the movies.

Your response?

FU or nothing.

Or. What DO you REALLY want?

XMIL waited 6 weeks to give it to you, so you can wait an appropriate amount of time to respond. (Outside of xMIL letteing her daughter know what happened after you read it as soon as possible...)

About the children? You have been the primary careperson for many years. The loss of thier mother had happened many years ago. She doesn't mention it in this letter because she is interested in reconciling WITH YOU. Your the one she will be with for the rest of her life if she works this out. The kids will go to college, work and the rest of thier life. If you reconcile with her, your "family" will be put together, but it will still function the same way it was before the divorce if serious changes do not take place. To both parents.

What do you REALLY want to do? Take your time. Listen to some opinions on here, and think about angles that you hadn't considered. Then decide what you need to do.

LG

She probably thought, "What would Diane Lane do?"

I would not respond. Stay dark. That will drive her wild.

Didn't the OM get your WW pregnant?

general advice:

Don't go near a wasp nest - and certainly don't poke one with a stick.

Ignore her. See what happends.

:RollieEyes:

I echo LG; take your time, think about it carefully, think outside the box.

Is there evidence that she's changed in any meaningful way?

What are your standards in a wife? Does she meet them?

TA

I'm with TheRoad and Pepperband here. The best response in this situation is no response at all. Your goal should be to be INDIFFERENT to your XW.

The bottom line is:

1. She is sane enough to realize that she will run out of money in a few months.

2. She does not want to get a job. To support herself.


3. She is crazy enough to think you would take her back and continue to support her financially.

You could mail back some joke response or anything you want. But if you do that you run the risk that emotionally you could be drawn in again. After all, you picked this woman in the first place to marry and bear your kids, you are not immune to her web. It is like an alcoholic who takes that first drink after being sober for a few months. It could lead to a bad connection with alcohol.

I would cut it clean, be STRONG, and NEVER have anything to do with her again in this LIFETIME!!!!!

I'm with him.

6:

I like Pep's idea.


You will get more and more letters. Each will be more shrill than the last. As the bank account dwindles, the letters will increase.

At first, XMIL will only give your the letters if you ASK.

Then as you continue to ignore, xMIL will be dropping them off at the direction of her daughter. Then, you will get them directly.

(The Hogwarts acceptance letter to Harry Potter scene comes to mind here...)

However.

What do YOU want? You said that you never wanted to see her again. And then you asked your xMIL about her, and here you are.

You were married for a long time. Your connected to this woman no matter what. YOU will always be concerned. (yes, less and less as you slide to indifference) YOUR children will have things to talk about with you regarding her after she returns.

The changes that your XW need to make to be a suitable spouse to you may never happen. That makes your choices easy, however.

But what do your REALLY Want?

It might be alot of fun to go with the Plan FU. But outside of poking the wasps nest with that, it really accomplish's nothing.

If you really DON'T want anything to do with her, then just keep us posted for the amusement factor.

Because indifference can be a good thing.

LG

No OC here. OM dumped WW long before the D.

Even the OM had the smarts to dump your EX!!!! Think about it.

I think Pep has the best short term solution, but if she keeps asking to come back and date, you will need to reply at some point.

I suggest a different response than most.

I don't think she has it all together. It looks like she just doesn't get it. I pity her, and I think she needs help.

I don't see any reason to use a venomous reply. Your reply (if you do make one in the future) could be as simple as: "Dear W, I am sorry I didn't make myself clear from the beginning. I think you should stay in contact with your children, and develop a relationship with them. A divorce doesn't sever the relationship a child has with their parent. I believe it would be good for the children, and good for you.

However, a divorce does sever a husband and wife relationship. Please don't contact me personally. I have no wish to date you. I have no desire to spend time with you, or talk to you on the phone, or in person, or get letters from you. I would appreciate it if you would honor my request, and leave me alone. Sincerely, 6years."

Of course, this is just a suggestion. Whatever you actually say should be from your heart, in your own words.

I don't think she understands, and I do think she needs it spelled out exactly, so there is no question as to your feelings. I don't think she needs hate mail. You have a pretty bright future, but I see only darkness for her. Why would you want to add to that?

SS

Thanks for the advice guys,

I want two things. I want to be a great dad to my kids - I am doing that as best I can and it is in my control. I want my xW to be a great mom to them - the letter just nailed the coffin on that for me, it will NEVER happen.

I like the humor in a joke response but xMIL called me up crying and begging that she (xMIL and xFIL) get to stay in my life. So this is not funny. She is crushed that her daughter sent that letter, she thought it would be begging for forgiveness and whatever scraps xW could get.

I don't know why she is always afraid I am going to cut them off, I have told her I would never do that and she is at my home all the time, even just to visit the children when I am out or something. I reiterated that she and xFIL are part of my family and are always welcome. I also told her no more secret letters and to tell xW that I will not open any letters she sends me. I asked xMIL to just take any communication and decide for herself if I need to hear it. Meaning she is to read it first and then summarize it. If there is something important tell me, if not just don't even mention the letter.

Personally I'm really happy where I am now, I'm not looking for a relationship and I like the way my friend with benefits makes me feel. I've never had that feeling of someone just wanting you for your body before. Sounds shallow but my relationship/emotional cup is already overflowing with all my kids and the baby coming.