Okay here is the skinny.......... I had A 7 months ago, I told my Wife 2 fridays ago....My wife and I owne a business with another couple (life time freinds).We all have been ever ever close with in the last 2 years or so like doing everything together...And yep it happened one drunken night the A happened which her husdand seen so I guess he has been holding it in for the last 7 months it was killing me so 2 fridays ago I told my wife.... I had ended everything with other girl the day after telling her it was stuipid I never e-mail phoned nothing .... My wife asked if there was anyone eles I was with which where isn't but I hide my text messege with another girl and I swear I havn't meet this other girl in plbic but of course my wife is so mad at me and I'am sure she thinks there was something with this text girl but like i said nothing not even close and never even crossed my mind to tell you the truth.... But my wife is mad and rightfully so.... Okay now here is whats getting me here and mad i have to give my head a shake but still drives me crazy...My wife told me 4 days after me telling her about the A that she has very strong feelings for the girls husband and she tod me that in the last few months she has gotten really close she has told me that she loves him and yes there where hugs that lead to kisses but that it nothing more and she is happy she never acted on these feelings from the both of them and one more thing he has came clean and has told me that he is in love with my wife in love my wife just says she just love him and is not in love with him like he is with her ( they to are on the rocks over this but not my worries even tho i do wish they could get better but i have to worry about me and my wife).....Its been rough I have start counselling last week by myself my wife is not ready for it she tells me we need to go alone for awhile she has yet to make any calls on her behave.......We have 2 little girls which we love so much and it hurts me to think on the worst and what kinda dad did they have I hate myself for letting this happen I would rather die then live with out them 3 wife and 2 girls......I really really do love my wife and I want this to get better so fast she told me yesterday to leave her have her space to figure things out for herself she has yet to tell me that she want to work on the two of us should I be scared? unfair question but want to know....She has not yet ever thought of telling me to leave are house and I'am even sleeping in are bed with her .......Do I need to tke the whole blame I feel she had a A also i might be wrong but didn't she? I don't want to mention that to her cuz of how mad she gets and tells me not to turn the tables here....... I just want to fix this so bad it hurts I want her to give me a chance to show her what a wonderful life we can have I need to show her badly.... I know this kinda all over the map here but need someone to get me focused on what needs to be done ...... Thanks

Welcome to marriagebuilders.

Yes, you should be worried, because your wife is now having an affair too. And one problem is that to make your marriage recover, you need to have no more contact with the other woman, and your wife needs to have no contact with the other man. Since you own a business together, that will be tough.

Does the other woman know that her husband thinks that he loves your wife?

Thanks I know its going to be tough......And yes she know about his feelings about my wife......As crazy as this sounds I do care about them but I need to regroup...... She told me that she my wife told me that she doesn't want to break ties with him at all.......Scared they may have a master plan but why would he keep it in for 7 months well its only been 2 months or so that my wife and him been getting closer but still they could act on it right now so do they have a master paln???? one thing that bothers me is we went on a week vacation toghter early jan and she told him that this may be a make or break week for her and I she didn;t tell me anything like that figured I should of been told about that hey............Mess hey very scared
And my wife and him have been working at are business for the last 1 1/2 and still do one thing is that I have told him how I feel about him in love with my wife and he has told me that we has never stood and never how stand in my way.....

I do have a problem with trust i really do

You don't need to relax you need to sell the business to him or buy the business from him. If you have NC you may be able to save your marriage. If there is still contact with each other it is going to be hard to repair your marriage. Good luck

Well, somehow you need to insist that they have no contact, or your marriage is doomed.

How was the marriage before everyone started cheating?

It was good .........Just 4 freinds got way to close and I know I have steped out of bounds
Hey I have told them that but MW tells me that they never acted on there feelings..........And he tells me that he won't step in my way.....
One more thing that has happend MW told her parents and sister which I'am fine with but I told her that she should tell them also on the way he is feeling towards her and said that was fair and she even told me the nexted day that she had told her but I went and spoke to her Mom just to say sorry and she is very hurt but she has told me that i'am still a part of the family no matter what cuz of the 2 gk i have given them... but i asked if MW told her about how she and him have feeling for each other and how hugs turned into kiss and she told me no......so mw lied... then she told me to stay away from her family as that is her only safe haven which i agreed but i didn't i spoke to her dad before she did he allready knew but she didn't get to see him first again i wasn't there to campane formyself just want to say sorry.... she found out and wow was she mad i told her i'am sorry she except in a few hours and she just told me to give her space ......

It is good that her family knows. She may be angry, but she will get over it.

And she doesn't need "space", she needs no contact with the other man, and you need no contact with his wife.

Him saying he won't get in the way means nothing, because your wife will still have feelings for him.

So you need to figure out how to split up the business.

There has to be NC.

You buy out the OM or ythe OM buys out you.

Usally your WW has probably done more then just kiss the OM.

ekud,

I agree that your wife and your friend need to separate or your marriage is over.

Have you read Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley? If not, READ IT IMMEDIATELY. Dr. Harley discusses both forms of affairs: your one-night-stand and your wife's soul mate type affair. Furthermore, he discusses how to fix the problem.

I don't know how strong your wife's feelings are for your friend but my own personal thought is that her affair situation is going to be a lot harder to end than yours was because she has built up strong emotional connections with your friend while your affair seemed to be based on drunken stupor.. Both are very wrong but I think it's harder to break a soul-mate type of affair....

I'm no expert though, but read Surviving an Affair for the real expert advice. It will help out a lot. And definately accept the fact that your business will need to undergo some changes to separate your spouse and your friend.

Thanks I will look into the book.....Thanks to everyone of you that replyed means alot tto hear from the outside......
Not sure how to approuch this at all now I'am scared to ask her about this all because like I said before she freaks out gets mad and then tells me don't try to turn the tables here like its all my fault and you know what I have been thinking and acting like it has ....Just don't know how to approuch this with out starting a huge fight I don't want to fight no more .....The other two it are good freinds it does hurt to not speak or do anything with them but the ties should be cut no dought....The one thing that I think of is if he knew for the last 7 months about hw and me why didn't he say it back then and told HW that MW doesn't need to know about it? ......MW told me this is there reason why they got close it was because his marraige was on the rocks and my W was there for him..........Do they have a plan? Update at my home spent the night watching movies with W and D's was a great night ..I'am willing to move on but she is not...Also tonight will be a huge night as my D is in a concert with the others kid and MW parents and family will be there going to be really tough.... oh well deal with everything that araises like a man right? Oh ya one more thing he told me he doesn't want to be the rebound guy wtf?

Read up on plan A and learn what your wife's top emotional needs are and meet those needs like no other. Equally important is avoiding lovebusters. Read up on that as well. I think my marriage could have been saved if I had avoided lovebusters such as disrespectful judgements and angry outbursts.

Learning about these concepts and the love bank will help you understand what you've been doing wrong in your marriage and give you a sense of control over how your marriage is doing.

I wish I had read "Surviving and Affair" and "His Needs Her Needs" long before my WW left me. I think things would have been different if I had applied the principles I learned.

It might not be too late for you if you put together a really good plan A. Your situation seems tricky with the business. You may want to consider scheduling a session with the Harleys for help on that...

Dude, I'd like to offer an opinion, but you have to adopt some punctuation and paragraphs in there, reading it gives me tacycardia...

okay sorry
my WW wife tells me that she was caught in between a fight at work friday afternoon with the OW and OM.....She I guess freaked out on the OW and she didn't tell me tell saturday morning not a problem she also told me she wanted nothing to do with there problems ........I think she need to let the steam go....But sunday I was outside with my kids most of the late morning early afternoon I came i went to use the phone hit redial and there it was his number i asked if she called him she said no.......okay i just cared on cuz didn't want to deal with really but about a hour later she came up to me told me she had lied to me and she called him to see how his night was and why he was at work..... and she told me she didn't want to tell cuz we would fight I told her we where fighting anways so why not tell tell the truth....Told her about thinking about selling the bus. and she said for me to do whatever (MAd) of course but she said she would stay home and do work from there I no she is mad and doesn't want to do this ........So what do I do?>

Ekud: I'm sure you will get more detailed replies here, but from what I've read in SAA and here on this site here is the guideline for saving your marriage:

1. No contact (NC) with the other people. Period. If that means selling business, so be it. If that means moving to another town, then do it. Until there is no contact, you cannot begin recovering your marraige.
2. Open and Honest: Share all your passwords, e-mail accounts, phone messages, phone logs, etc. Be completely open and honest with each other. Secret lives are BAD thing. Encourage your WW to check on your whereabouts and check on her. This is to encourage NC.
3. Expose. Harley and peeps on this site talk about exposure as a means to end the affair(s). Expose to co-workers, family, friends, etc. And let them know you are willing to work on the marriage, correct past LBs, etc. By exposing you bring the secret life into the light...and it ain't fun anymore for the WS. The affair eventually ends.
4. Counseling: Be it Harleys or another venue, get yourself to IC (individual counseling). And get your WW started on counseling also.

** Snooping ** If I were you I would start snooping. Install keylogger on computer, voice recorder in car, GPS her car if you can/have to. Wayward spouses will lie to protect their affair.

Hope this helps. Peeps, correct me and add to this, please.

Thanks...........

I hate the fact that I have to snoop but she did it to me ....I would love to keep the bus. but I can't keep on snooping to right it will kill me I wish I could trust her but these little lie's lead me to beleive there is more to her relationship with him...........


Scared want this to end and want it to end fast...

Snoop. Be prepared for a long, drawn out ending to the affair.

And even if the affair ends, and she establishes NC, every time your WW has contact with the OM, she does not pass go, she goes directly back to square #1 in her recovery from the affair.

Be prepared for a long, long journey. Hard for us guys who want to FIT-IT NOW! You must have patience.

I guess have to tried hard on this ....I do love her and always will.....Just hate the fact that she lie's........I have been open and honest from the day I told her about everything......Just scared that she has done more with the OM or if that have a master plan behind all of this....Tell me I'am nutts


But hey thanks

You aren't nuts. Hang in there. Keep posting and keep reading. And be prepared for more bad news.

Remember, if she is in an "affair" she will be doing the "fog-speak." The "i love u, but not in love with you" the "i need my space to figure things out" etc., etc.,

And remember that the *fog* is like an alien has taken your wife from her body and replaced with another alien.

Yes she has told me that she needs her space and for me not to get in the way she needs to find how she feels and she needs time for herself all she is worried about right now is herself and are to little G's...........nothing to do with me at all...

She told me last night it was nice for her to hear my opion about the bus. and that I was having a hard time that I have to deal with her working day in day out with him....knowing he is in love with her ......She tells me she is not in love with him I even asked when she told me that she lied about calling him yesterday I asked if she wanted more from him and asked if she was in love with him she said that is one thing she know that she is not in love with him..........


Oh ya I'll hang in there need to fight with everything I have

Okay here is a update...............Went home for lunch WW was there as she is not working no more at are bus. she want to sell it we all are meeting 2moro to discuss this..... sould be fun .........But after she desided everything about the bus. she has asked me to contact the rel. and put up are house for sale..... Then she told me that she want a sep. ....Not sure what to do tried to talk to her about making the both of work on this but she wants nothing to do with it she says she has no life left no M and now no job ........she only has her 2 g.....

What do u I do I'am not blaming her for lleaving me but I'am very scared.....She doesn't talk to her mom and dad no more because she thinks that they are on my side....She only talks to her sister that is like get rid of his A**.....

What do I do?