I know I am at a HIGH risk of getting hurt, but I know that I will regret it if I don't try. And shinethrough told me earlier, do what I can to make sure I will have no regrets in life.

I was thinking something along the lines of what JustKim said.

Good call!

I probably should not meet with her tomorrow like she wanted if she says she doesn't know yet right?

Here's what I'm gonna send: "I love you and I am prepared to fight for our marriage. When you are ready to hear the conditions for reconciliation, we can talk."

And when does Plan A start? I am really at a loss without SAA...

I would leave out the ultimatum about "When you are ready to hear the conditions for reconciliation."

maybe just "When youa are ready to commit to our marriage..."

Don't sound like the 'victor' of a war. Sound like someone committed to HER and your MARRIAGE.

Either way it gets spinned it sounds like an ultimatum. And I know that ultimatums are BAD in this situation. Is there no better way to say it?

Can I get a little more info on Plan A? I read what I could from the forum. Is telling her this the start of Plan A?

I think there is significant difference in the two 'ways of spinning it'. One says you will bow to my wishes. The other says, talk to me when you want to talk about working on our marriage.

As far as Plan A goes... there are certainly better people on here than me to talk about with it.

Wow! I look away for ten minutes and look at the progress you've made. I should ignore posters more often Seriously, though kudos on everything you've done so far.

Regarding Plan A, what you read is intended primarily for people whose WW is still living at home, and still active in the A. Because your WW is not living at home, you don't want to jump into an insanely strong Plan A because if you start bending over backwards to meet her ENs now, it will give the wrong impression. If you start trying to meet her ENs of converstaion, affection, and so on, she'll think you're going to cave easily, that you're not very upset after all, etc.

If I were in your shoes I'd go out of my way to have the house looking great, be showered and groomed, dress decently. Then WHEN she agrees to end the A and commit to the M, I'd jump in whole hog with text messages, phone calls, cards, flowers, snuggle times, bubble baths, massages, walks and talks, the whole nine yards. But I'd watch her like a hawk. Waywards frequently break NC a time or two before all the dust settles and they're TRULY ready to work on the marriage.

What are your ideas for what you require of her before you'll consider reconciliation?

Oh, and to keep it from sounding like a battle royal, you could say "I love you and I want to be married to you, but only if we work together to make our marriage a true union. I want a spectacular marriage and if you're not interested in pursuing that with me, then let me know now." That gets your point across loud and clear, I think, and makes you allies at the same time rather than adversaries.

She still wants to meet tomorrow. Should I tell her all this tomorrow, or should I send it over the phone and then only meet if she wants to work?

As far as reconciliation: NC with OM, continue solo therapy, joint marriage counseling...

Its hard for me to think of everything I would want, really right now I just want NC w/ OM

I think turtles got a good balance here. Try to make it sound like your words though.

I agreed to meet her tomorrow. I felt that my message would be delivered more effectively in person rather than text or phone.

It will give me a chance to discuss the finances and my intentions on the marriage.

Thank you for everyone's help post-exposure. I couldn't have gotten through this without you all.

I think in person is a good idea.
It will give you a better opportunity to "read" her.

Take it slow and easy. NC with OM and counseling is a great start.

If she blows up or gets snarky, don't take the bait. If you have to, excuse yourself and calmly leave. Tell her you're open to conversation when she's in a better frame of mind. Don't lose your temper and don't resort to ugly "digs" at her.

I have read in previous Plan A posts that if they ARE willing to work and go NC, you should not only start meeting all ENs possible but also invite them to events, etc.

I have a work function tomorrow night (just a group dinner) that she has known about for a while. If she miraculously says yes tomorrow (which I don't think will happen, but I should be prepared), should I still invite her? I think she would feel unconfortable going, but just thinking that I wanted her to go...

I know the idea is to make them feel as welcome, wanted, and their most important ENs met.

Lotsa things more:

Please, please try prevent further disruption. Yes, you can say that you are disappointed but that you hope that between the two of you that your marriage will be boosted.

Learn to avoid Love Busters like Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgments, Timelines.

Use things like listening to her point of view, no violent disagreements. Try NOT to get too emotional. Dress well.

This is just a short list. Good luck!

Bring up details of the A? Or avoid talking about it at this converstaion. If she tries to bring up the A or OM should I engage or change subject?

Focus on the parts of the marriage that has been good for you. Share your love for her and your estimation that she is a very wonderful lady. You do not see any reason why your marriage cannot blossom into something much more beautiful that what it is now.

Take notes of the things that dissatisfied her from you and take notes (DO NOT ARGUE). You cannot tell her what to do but if there is further contact with OM, you are fighting for your marriage and there will be response.

Please note that WW say funny things during conversation. Read fog babble elsewhere.

If she brings up A details fine, don't push to far. You must explain that at another time these details have to come out in order that you can protect the marriage.

A good rule I read here once was to only speak relationship ONCE a week at a predisclosed time, say Friday nights from 8pm to 9pm. At all other times, be on your best behavior, and blow your spouse away by all the wonderful things you do. Make her wonder why she ever thought any other guy could top you.

Reading again,

I read "work dinner" - not a great idea!

Thank you everyone for your input.

And thanks imagine for that, I was really unsure about the dinner thing.

Just wanted to update...Just over 3 hours from when I'm meeting her and I'm nervous. She sent an email to my dad, mom, and brother last night. Basically apologizing for the devastation she has caused, how she doesn't deserve me, etc.

At this point she thinks there is no way I could want to be with her and she is disgusted at what she has become.

I believe I have worked out what I am going to say, I just hope I can hold it together and deliver the message strong enough.

I think my hardest EN of hers to meet was always conversation. Our conversation had become so superficial and meaningless. This will take some serious focus on my part to conquer.

Has the fog actually cleared? It seems as if WW is seeing and thinking clearer than she has in a long time. Here's what happened...

After the exposure, she had to face all of her family on what she had done. And one of those people was her uncle (boss of OM and OMW). As soon as the uncle knew, he let WW know everything about OM. Apparently OM had slept with the sister of the uncle's ex-wife, and proclaimed his love to the uncle's on/off GF. The uncle has not trusted Om for 2 years, but of course he was no aware that anything between WW and OM was going on.

After WW had heard all this, she was searching online for answers, and ended up doing a questionaire to identify a sociopath. OM scored HIGH.

WW called him that night (Thurs) and ended it. They haven't spoke since. OM then called her dad the next morning and tried to reason with him. Dad told him off, that he is a cancer to the whole family, and to never contact her ever again. Of course, guess what he does? Crawls back to OMW. Uncle and friends are having an intervention to make OMW see the light.

WW is disgusted with herself. Feels stupid that she could be manipulated and used by this sociopath. He even told her that if she left me, he would leave his wife in 6-8 months an then he would move in town to be with her...right.

As this will take time, right now we have for sure established a NC. She says she is committed to making the marriage work. She will continue individual therapy and then she suggested joint mariage counseling once she has had a chance to have enough sessions individually and makes progress in finding out why she was unhappy.

Long day...thanks to everyone for their suggestions for today's talk. It helped me have the confidence I needed.