My story: my wife and i have been together for 6 years. There have been ups and downs, things have never been perfect. In my opinion the ups have far outweighed the downs. She has never been a completely happy person. In fact she was on anti-depressants when I met her. Her friends kidded about her crying spells as she was very emotional. It seems she is constantly seeking the next thing that will make her happy.. painting a room, getting new clothes, little trinkets from ebay, a pet, etc. She is VERY impulsive. When she makes up her mind she is used to getting her way, and I think that behavior was always reinforced by her parents. I am not trying to set her up to sound bad, just wanted to give some background. These have always been things I have tried to overlook. I alos recognize my own faults, I could have been more emotional and more affectionate but these were not things that came natural to me, thought I think I have changed a lot.

I have felt the past two years have been really good for the most part and we have come to understand one another better than ever. The sometimes bad fights we had early on had gone away. There have been issues other than general nitpicking. A couple of years ago I found her cheating but I don't believe it was anything too serious, probably mostly emotional cheating but I'm not sure either. I confronted her and we struggled for awhile but I forgave her. I had a hard time getting my trust back though. We have two children, one who was conceived after things had seemingly gotten better. She really wanted to have this child and even though finances were a little tight I agreed because she wanted it so much.

The weird thing is things have been mostly good lately I thought, but still there was this nagging in my head telling me that she was troubled. I asked her to confide in me when she was troubled but apparently she never did. I was trying to talk about it earlier this week and she just blurted out that she was not happy and wanted to move out. After pleading with her to reconsider, I gave in and accepted that it would happen.

She said she loves me but is not "in love" with me. We both love our children deeply. My first thoughts were for them. We have come to an agreement on seeing the kids, splitting time 50/50. But then I turned my thoughts to her and I know I still love her. I can't bear the thought of waking up without her or not talking during the day. Although she is moving at the end of the month we still sleep in the same bed, I kiss her goodbye in the morning, and we watch the same shows together at night. We haven't fought about anything over the separation, because I refuse to get mad at her, I am too scared of the feelings it would leave. I told her that I will accept everything as long as she doesn't close the door on us eventually reconciling. She says she doesn't want to build false hope for me but when I ask her to keep her mind open , she says nothing is final.

The other thing I have asked is for us to go to counciling but she refuses saying she doesn't think it will do any good. I have talked to her parents and they think she is making a big mistake, but still support her and are even helping her get a place to stay in. Her best friend who I know is against divorce , she won't discuss this with. She doesn't want anybody to tell her that staying or at least trying is ok.

I'm feeling lost, lonely, and confused. Is there hope for us? Is she just being nice right now not to hurt me? How can my wife look at me and say I still want to be friends and not understand how that kills me. I have 3 weeks left with her until she moves, and I am open to suggestions of any type.

Does your wife work if she does she is having a EA OR PA with someone at work start checking on it I went though it my self . Let me tell you guy let her leave and donot not talk to her shut her out I mean shut her out go to the gym get in shape ,make her start thinking about you this is your only hope if you want her back , But I think shes got something going on.......

Sure, there's hope. But you'll have to expose her affair first. Hire a PI and have him gather all the information he can get on the OM (other man), the OM's wife (OMW), OM's parents and siblings, work contacts if they work together, etc. Then, when you have it all, sit down at your phone and start making phone calls. All at once, one after another, until you have called all these people as well as your W's parents, siblings, best friends, YOUR parents and siblings, and any other important people in your life. IF they work together, you have to contact their Human Resources Director as well as the company's highest left of people - let them know that if they don't do something about the ongoing affair between coworkers, you will take action yourself (they hate that).

Do all of this on one day. Then sit back and wait for her to spew venom at you for how you 'ruined everything.' (they all say it, nearly word for word)

Finally, today, ask the moderators (below) to move your thread over to the Infidelity section so you can get better help.

Oh, and stop being a milquetoast and work on yourself like ftroop says - he knows what he's talking about. {{{ftroop}}}

Needhelp, you probably dont want to hear what foolproof and cat posted. They didnt just throw out that your wife is having an affair because they are jaded people. Here is the thing....those of us who have survived our spouces having an affair can see all of the warning signs a mile away. You are probably thinking "NOt my wife, she not having an A." and I truly hope that is the case, but the way you describe her actions has affair written all over it. I am so sorry to tell you that. Read Shirley Glass "Not just friends" and the Harley's "SUrvivng the Affair". After you read them you too will start to see all of the tell tale signs that we are seeing. The "Suriving the Affair" book will give you hope and a direction on how to get through this. I also highly recommend "Divorce Busting" by Michelle Davis Weiner. Reading these books will give you direction and a since of control over a very turbulent situation.

Now, you are probably wondering if your R is over? Absolutely not. It just means that you have a hard road to walk. You are in the begining stage, the hardest part of it all, yet you do need to follow FP's advice. You need to focus on getting yourself a life. Do things to gain your confidence back. Focus on you and only you. THis will not only help you weather the storm but it will also have the added benefit of making you more attractive to your W.

Also, read. Read a lot. You need to become as informed as possible. Every person who has had their spouce betray them with an affair has heard the I love you but I am not in love with you speech. There really is a script that our wayward spouces follow (even though they dont realize it). Reading the books I adviced to you will help to prepare you for what is to come and give you an idea on what to expect.

I agree with cat, you need to have your thread moved to general question under infidelity. Good luck and feel free to keep posting here if you still need our help.

Thanks for the replies, and I may have been a little confusing in my text, but I think the affair thing was short term and was over 2 years ago. I just brought it up as a indicator of our past problems. The guy she was having the emotional affair with lived in another state and she met him briefly while away at a wedding. I found out later there were numerous phone conversations and some emails, as well as a planned meeting that never took place because I confronted her. I really am sure she is not in contact with him now.

My main problem now is the fact that despite me thinking everything was ok after we had our most recent child, it seems there were some issues that she has held against me from long ago. She told me she had never been able to get past the rough start to our relationship. So now she is moving out at the end of the month. She won't offer me any more hope at the moment then saying she wants to be friends. This is all still very new, I don't want to push any issues if its just a matter of time and space , but I desperately want to know if there is a real chance of reconciling.

Right now we go through our routines at home, we are friendly, and eat and sleep together. We talk , mostly about the moving plans and arrangement for the kids but other small chit chat too. She did ask me today how my session went with a therapist I saw. She still says she is not ready for therapy. I ask if we can start over and she says wait until she moves and see how things are.

nh, you can cover for your wife as long as you want, but this:

She said she loves me but is not "in love" with me
is bonafide word-for-word script for a person having an affair.

They don't realize they are doing it. It is human nature. If you read here at MB, you will dozens, HUNDREDS, of wayward spouses (those having affairs) saying these EXACT SAME WORDS the minute they get into an affair.

It doesn't even have to be a physical affair. People in Emotional Affairs (EAs) still say the same thing.

Sorry to say so, but I'll bet 95% surety that your wife is now having ANOTHER affair.

Sorry to hear that. Been there. I dont know how it will work out for you in the end. I do know even though it feels like the end of the world it does get better over time. It dont help now I know. You will not be thinking clear for some time.

Maybe I am in denial, but I have been fairly suspicious in the past and don't think it is an affair. I think she is having emotional issues. She has always been a little unstable emotionally. I felt like I pushed it a little far questioning her one night and released 6 years worth of built up tension.

Hello,

Seems like we are both going through similar situations. Hang in there, hopefully things will get better for you.

Lance