What is the point of ever being in a relationship with another person, if you can never know if and when then are going to betray you, if you always have to walk on eggs because if you do anything to annoy them, no matter how unintentionally, they might just disappear, if you can never feel safe. If someone whom I have known and loved for 25 years can do that, so could anyone else - not just limited to people in a romantic relationship. How do I know that my sister won't betray me tomorrow, or my best friend? <P>When my H first left, before discovery, he was trying to defend his actions by saying that he didn't like my basic personality, and there was no point in my trying to change, since peoples' basic personalities don't change. Of course he ventured into the illogical when I questioned him as to why he used to like me in that case and he said that I must have hidden my basic personality (apparently for years). Up until his affair, I would have agreed that peoples' basic personalities don't change, but his changed completely almost overnight (or he's been hiding it for 25 years). Now that I know it is not only possible, but rather common, for personalities to change overnight, for people to throw away their values that they have held all their lives, it is so obvious that it is foolish to open your heart to anyone. Even if it were possible to somehow find the "perfect" spouse, I can not imagine wanting to love again, knowing that I would have to spend the rest of my life in a state of perpetual anxiety. "It is better to have loved and lost ..." is a bunch of baloney.

Agreed.

I have to say Nellie, you have hit a nail on a head? But maybe he's forgotten some of those qualities are something he might like. I read in "After The Affair" that sometimes people see the same good qualities in a different light after a while. Like I love how my H is so good at comunicating with people, all people. I also hate that he talks to EVERYONE in a party. Same good quality, just a different light. <BR>And you aren't foolish at all for opening your heart to someone. For the most part of those 25 years he cared enough to try and work things out, obviously the wrong way.<BR>Now it's your turn to decide weather you want this relationship to work in your heart of hearts and to put it on the right direction. I would start by reading. "After the Affair" helped me tremendously and Harley's books are great! Good Luck and God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

Dear Nellie,<P>I understand you feeling this way right now! My gosh, you've been brutily hurt - this is certainly a normal thing to feel at this point.<P>And what your husband did was ridiculous.<P>You know, there is a Bible verse in Proverbs that says that you are who you associate with. (definitely a paraphrase here...)<P>The psychologist told me the other day - that she was certain she couldn't talk my husband into robbing a bank.... Okay, what was she saying? She was saying that outside influences don't affect our values.<P>Hogwash. Your husband is living with an adulterer, he's odviously done exactly what the Bible says. If you associate with such, you become such.<P>I know how you feel right now, but you may feel differently later on. I think what you are saying right now is definitely accurate, but later on in your life, when you've really blossomed into something new as a result of all this hardship, you may say something different.<P>I just hope that time comes for you soon.

Hi Nellie -<P>I certainly have had these thoughts, also!!!!!<P>Maybe that's why I don't have too much of a problem (OK, maybe occassionally!) with hanging in and not worrying about "moving on to my own life".<P>THIS IS my life......I didn't choose to pursue something different - he did!!<P>What would I do differently than what I am doing now? Nothing!!! I have no desire to go out to clubs and such...no man chasing for me, thank you very much!! <P>I have my family (and most of his), my friends, my neighbors, my dog....<P>I go to work, I have my hobbies, etc..the only thing else I want if my husband.....not "just" to have a man, but because of who he is...er, was!!<P>You can never be certain of your own behaviors, let alone anyone else's. I just plain don't want to bring any more balogna into my life by dating and all that stuff....<P>I guess that if we get divorced, my life will be pretty much the same (more income - God, if you please!!) and if it is intended for me to meet someone new for a relationship....it will happen by itself. That's how I met H - wasn't looking or "out there" - he was sent to me!!! <P>EEKS!!! - What does that tell you!!!<P>I guess it's all about faith and what we learn about how people are and why they do the things they do.....maybe by learning about communication and needs, etc....this things that got us here can be understood and avoided.<P>Have Faith Nellie!! <P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

TNT,<P>Don't know exactly where that quote in Proverbs is but, as my dear ole Grandmother used to say " If you lay down with dogs your bound to wake up with fleas "