Hello. This is my first time on this site. Please forgive me if this post is in the wrong place. I'll gladly move it to a correct location if told which location that may be.

My wife and I have very recently separated. In the past we have been to counselling both together and separate to try and resolve any issues we may have.

My wife has always been a "stuffer." She clams up and will never talk about anything. She would rather just forgot about something and avoid any conflict than try to discuss it.

She stopped going to counselling several months ago. I continued going. During the final days before separation I tried to convince her to go back. She refused with saying that "she tried counselling, it didn't work."

When I talked to our counsellor and told him that she would not come back for those reasons he told me that [[more could be done. He was afraid to push her during the sessions for fear she would withdraw and not talk at all. He was being very gentle with her because to start with he just wanted to get her to used to talking about things and didn't want to push her away by coaxing her to discuss things on a deeper level. He just wanted to get her to talk and her talking about anything at all was good at that point.]]

I know this to be true becuase that is how my wife is. Talking about things is confronting them and she wants to avoid confrontation. Quitting counselling would be the best way to avoid that confrontation. His fear of losing her was very reasonable.

Anyway, now for the question. I just got into a arguement with a mutual friend who told me that our counsellor telling me (the bracketed info above) was very unethical because he is discussing another patient's (my wife's) sessions. I completely disagree. Who is correct? Is the counsellor telling me he was afraid to push my wife away by coaxing her to discuss things deeper unethical or was it okay for him to tell me that?

You still here? Sorry but your thread got lost in this week's enormous flow. It's not usually that busy.

Anyway, to answer your question, I have to assume your counselor was working to help both of you save your marriage. I have no problem with him giving you such generic information, as your knowledge of it might help you address it with her. He didn't tell you her innermost secrets, just that she was averse to counseling.

Don't worry about your friend and trust your gut.

Good luck!

Moteman,

When you both went to the MC originally, what did you all agree on regarding confidentiality? Did you see the MC together for sessions, together and separate? If you saw the MC for some sessions separately, then before doing so, the MC would state their position...

our MC did this and it was: Whatever in separate sessions you ask me to keep confidential, I will for a set period of time. Then we'll revisit it. I will share with your partner, when I think appropriate, and vice versa. Unless you ask me before disclosure, that's what I'll do. Secrets are not good in marriage.

We both had to agree or negotiate different rules. My DH was in an A at the time, even, and still agreed.

Neither of us asked in the course of 1.5 years for confidentiality.

LA

I wanted to address the red flags, btw, for your W being in an A right now...

Justifications.

Your W refusing counseling.

However...from your other posts since this one, I'm wondering who is doing what...

And interestingly, it amounts to the same question...

what were your agreed-upon marital boundaries?

And also, please consider what may have been very attractive to you about your W when you were dating--her not talking constantly or requiring you to talk; her seeming reserve, strength, self-control, a good listener...and when she spoke, may have been profound...

very often, what at first draws us together also ends us...

More info about your marriage, it's length, ages, children ages, if any, etc., would be helpful if you're here for your own marriage.

LA