Hello everyone. When I say I'm new but I did use the forums after the initial D-Day.

A quick background. September 2007, whilst I was 6 months pregnant with our second child, my husband of 3 years revealed that the year previous he had had an affair. Well a ONS as they only slept together once apparently but they had been emotionally connected longer than that. Friends that developed into something more. The OW had given birth a month previous and had had a DNA test done which revealed her boyfriend was not the child's father. She claimed my husband was. She had told him about the pregnancy a month after the time they slept together but had convinced herself her partner was the father. Then 6 months down the line she decided to reveal all to her partner and my husband that she had doubts. Why she did this I do not know, other than just having a guilty conscious.

Anyway a DNA test was performed, husband was confirmed to be the OC's father. Before the results came through me and my husband decided to try and work on our marriage. He did everything a WS should do in the circumstances. Stopped any contact with her without me present. Consulted me about everything that was happening. Was willing to do whatever to make it work. We came to the decision that we were going to try and have C with the OC. The mother started being awkward, she was having grief from her partner who didn't want my H involved, she seemed only interested in getting money out of my H and in the end it was decided we would have NC. There was NC for a year and a half until 2 days ago.

My H was waiting at a train station and the OW was also there. This had happened 2 days previous too and they had ignored each other, only the third day she decided to talk to him. Asked him how he was and asked "well do you want to know?" My H has been really torn up recently about this little girl he has nothing to do with. He didn't think straight and said yes. They had a conversation about the little girl, she showed him some pictures and that was that. He phoned me and told me straight away. He could understand why I was upset that he had spoken to her. Said in hindsight he should have dealt with it differently. Asked her to write to him if she wanted to communicate as she knows where we live but he was so unprepared for her talking to him his emotions and guilt over the little girl ran away with him. It turns out recently the OW has split with her BF again. After me pointing out that maybe this is the reason she approached my H again, he has started to debate whether or not her motives were purely financial again rather than what is best for OC or caring about my H's feelings.

Since then we have had discussions about possibly establishing C again. I told him I could not stop him from seeing his daughter. But I explained that it would tear me up. I have all the natural feelings of a BS. Hate of the OW and the hold she has over my H. Resentment of the OC. Fear that C will ruin our marriage. Scared of the effect it will have on our COM. He finally decided that he would not push for C. He could not risk ruining our relationship and family for trying to establish some sort of relationship with the OC. But I feel awful for this. I feel like I should be able to somehow put aside my feelings to some extent to let him have a relationship with this little girl, he so wants to see. My main problems though being she is the constant reminder of his infidelity. Plus I want him having absolutely nothing to do with the OW.

Those who have C with the OC, how do you make it work? Is it possible with no contact with the OW? The OC in our case is now almost 18 months.

Should I just accept he has agreed to NC now and try and be open to it in the future as she gets older? I am scared he will resent me for it.

To add we are both attending counselling at the moment. He has had IC and it has done him the world of good. The reason H has said NC now is that he told me, in IC he promised himself he would not make me cry again. He would never hurt me like this again and having C would do that. He needs to square away in his head to try and stop letting his guilt over the OC affect him so much.

We both feel like we are in a no win situation, someone will get hurt and it seems like we are having to choose the lesser of two evils.

Sorry it's all rambling and might not make sense. I'm new to all this again.

Thank you in advance for any responses and for managing to get to the end of this rant.

x

It would be best to not have contact as you had been doing.

If you and your WH contact with the OC you will have to set up exchanges where neither the OW or WH will have contact.

Needs of the child can be handled through emails to you. Phone for you and OW in emergencies.

Must maintain NC between OW and WH.

Thank you for you reply x

If we were to go along with the NC would it be advisable to contact her through email or letter or something and tell her to stop contacting my H. She agreed to NC and she will have to stick to it. None of this waltzing into our life when she feels like it?

Has anyone written a letter like that? What would be the best way to word it, what would be best to include in it?

Sorry about all the questions.

Many of us have done this.

We sent a letter through our attorney to her attorney. If you have been NC until now, the best to hope for is that she will move on a bring a good male role model into the OC's life. It is a choice of the lesser of 2 evils all the time, and unfortunately the biggest victim is usually the OC. Not their fault, but can't be changed without causing greater harm to everyone else. OC doesn't know her biological dad, this in and of itself is not harmful, more people are harmed by their own parents than by having loving role models in their lives daily. My DS20 would have been much better off with only his SD as a male role model than the occasional destructive interactions from my XH. Although, now at 20 he has lots of behaviors he knows never to do, and thinks his dad is a jerk as well.

Sorry to hear another person going through this in this forum... The forum has helped me a lot.

IMHO, her boyfriend is gone and now she wants a man in her life, or maybe just money. Do you really think it was random chance she showed up at his train stop at this particular time, now that her BF is gone? I would guess not.

It is good your H told you right away. But you know that he feels guilty and wants contact with the OC. He is very vulnerable. Any contact with her is only going to suck him back in the fog.

But unless your H becomes her H, there is no reason to have him in the OC life. The OC will always resent him for not marrying her mommy and being her daddy.

Don’t feel guilty about the OC. The OC fate was cast when they did what they did. If legally he wants to give CS then let the lawyers work it out.

Remember, she wants HIM. We all know the fantasy life they conjured up in their heads during the A is not real, but apparently the power of this fantasy is very strong in persons having an A. NC!

I don’t have a lot of experience myself (you can see my posts) but I found that the kids were an excuse for the A to continue…