Here's an unusual question:
Is it possible to be unfaithful with a hobby?

I've come to the conclusion that he's not having an affair with the woman he takes rock'n'roll dancing but that he's obsessed with his hobby. It's on his mind the whole time. It comes into every conversation.

Over the last 6 months of 2008, he had no time for me, only for his hobby. I was totally neglected. Love died. My tears flowed daily. It got so bad I packed my bag ready to leave. Luckily, I found this website.

Over the 6 week Xmas break when his club was in recession, I put Plan A into action with spectatular results. He and I were closer than we've been in a long time. We spent hours and hours together. We went on holiday and had a great time. The love was rekindled.

Literally the day his club started up again, (27 Jan 09),back it went to how it was last year. He went back to being totally obsessed with his club. His life determined by his club. His timetable is written to accomodate his hobby.

This weekend is a classic example:

--- Friday night he told me to sleep in another room because he needed a good nights sleep ready for the dance on Saturday.
---Saturday daytime everything he talked about included reference to his club or the people in it or the dance on Saturday night.
---Saturday afternoon he went to bed to sleep for a few hours to be rested ready for the dance on Saturday night.
---Saturday night he picked up his female companion around 6:30pm. They returned from the dance around 2am.
---Sunday and I'm up but of course he's not. He'll be dopey all day from the exercise and too little sleep.

This weekend, like so many others, has been totally focused on his hobby.

Dancing rock'n'roll with his passenger / companion and all the other women who go to the monthly dances is a real ego boost for him. He flirts with them all but doesn't have to go through the stages of a romance because he can hide behind the fact that he's "in a relationship". It's possible that he's addicted to the flirting / ego boosting / preening / parading side of the club. He's also wanting to get onto the committee to change the club.

Throughout all of this, I'm neglected and back to being ready to leave.

Has anyone else been through this sort of thing?
If so, how did you deal with it?
What can you do about an affair with a hobby?????

Are you married? For how long? Was he dancing/hobby when you met him, or is this something new?

Robyn:

Why aren't YOU dancing?

????

LG

I'm a fWW and all signs point to more than just a hobby. I know that "dance" all too well because I've done it.

Yes, married, for 10 years.
Yes, he was dancing when I met him.
He hasn't been this obsessed with it before. In the past, it's been a hobby rather than an obsession.
I dance too, just not what he dances.
Last night, I drove along the motorway alone to my dance venue and he followed in his car with his "partner" in the passenger seat going to his venue which was slightly further away than mine.

Hello

Because he said years ago that when I'm there, he feels like he has to dance with only me but when I'm not, he can dance with every female in the room. As it's turned out, he dances mainly with his passenger / companion.

I already get it for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Were I to go, I'd get it for morning tea, afternoon tea and supper as well. It's all he talks about, plans for,reads about and for all I know, thinks about.

It's so overwhelming that I don't want to be any more involved than I presently am by defaul.

Seems likely he's having an affair with an actual person.

"He flirts with them all."
"They returned from the dance around 2am"
"Turned our he mostly dances with his passenger / companion"

Worth ruling it out anyway. Why don't you snoop some? Is there anyone you can ask what your H does at the dances? When he leaves? Can you check his email and cellphone records?

How do you feel about him flirting? Have you told him? Calmly, respectfully?

As for you and him going to different dances in different cars, him with a different woman, at the same time - you know that's just wrong! Have you read up on recreational companionship?

You've GOT to find some RC you both like and can do together, because this sounds like a top EN for him, and other women are getting the LB deposits from sharing his hobby.

If you both can't abide the other's dance choice - is there another style you'd both be keen on? Or something else altogether? Have you read about POJA and the rules for negotiation?

Your M sounds like it could be saved to me, based on what you said about how it went over the holidays.

Time to start snooping. Put a voice activated recorder in his car...so you can hear what he and the "friend" are saying when they are driving to and from the dances.

Prepare yourself mentally for what is to come. Based on your description of the situation it sure sounds like something is going on here. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news

Also, put keylogger on computer and look closely at phone records. And even check your credit card bills...you may find more incriminating evidence there.

If by chance you do discover your husbands "friend" is just that, then you can take steps to improve your relationship. Until then, SNOOP, SNOOP, SNOOP, SNOOP, SNOOP!!!

I have to agree. As FWW I convinced myself and DH that I was in love with my hobby. Have now confessed that that wasn't half of it.

It will be devestating for your H to give up hobby, which he will have to with that club if he wants it to work with you.

You guys need to find something that you can enjoy together - I wish my H was capable of sharing my hobby - insist that you would love to dance with him again.

ST

Excuse my ignorance but what's a keylogger?
What does it do?
Where do you get one from?
When it's installed onto a computer, can you tell that it's there?

Hello

I have investigated as much as possible and haven't found even a hint of an affair. The only thing that's been impossible to do is to determine what goes on at the actual dances.

Yes, he knows that his flirting doesn't go down well with me. He doesn't see it as flirting. He says he's just being nice.

"As for you and him going to different dances in different cars, him with a different woman, at the same time - you know that's just wrong!"

It struck me as absolutely ridiculous. Whoever heard of the husband with another woman in his car following the wife down the motorway?!!!

As far as hobbies go, he has 2 favourites. I'm studying for the licence which will allow me to join him in his other favourite.

Last week, we joined a club to do with our pets so there's another shared hobby.

Unfortunately, it's unlikely that dancing will end up being the third shared hobby. He's inflexible in his choice of dance which I care not to join in with because the club is rather clicky. In-fighting isn't unknown. One minute you can be in the in-crowd and the next, they don't like you anymore. He's in with the in-crowd now but it's quite possible that he himself may well end up being public enemy number one. I'd rather steer well clear of that club just in case the proverbial hits the fan. At least if I'm nowhere to be seen, I can't be blamed for any internal bickering that goes on. Also, I prefer to avoid places where the concern is who said who to what and who did what with whom. I just like to dance.

Meanwhile, he will only dance one dance whereas I'm not in the least bit fussy and will dance anything.

Thank you for saying the M can be saved. He's taking me out for Valentines Day today and he's been depositing in the love bank lately by small gestures towards me.

Really, the fly in the ointment is his addiction to this particular hobby and the passenger he takes with him when he does it.

Robyn,

Tell us about the passenger/companion.

Is she married? Do you know her, have you talked to her? Is she as wacked out about this American Bandstand syndrome as he is?

Are the other club members as intense as he is. Where exactly is this club, country-wise?

When someone is very, very good at what they do, it does take over ones life. The better they get the more they love it and the more intense it gets.

Think of an Olympic ice skater devoted to his or her craft.

I know square dancing can consume one's life, but usually the couples do it together.

What dancing do you do? You go to your own dance club? Is it like a tango club or a waltz club?

What if you demanded that you both dance at the same club, or take turns at each others club. I mean, there has to be some give and take here.

It really could be that he is only addicted to the dancing rather than the companion.

But really, it doesn't matter, because the outcome is the same as far as you are concerned.

Have you told him how you feel?

Very curious.

IMHO

kirk

HE shouldn't be FLIRTING with other women regardless of how she told him. HE should understand that it's wrong and know anything that makes his uncomfortable is a LB in the marriage.

This is the same problem I had with my H for 18 years prior to the A. No matter how I told him it bothered me he still did it. His flirting with other women is what brought us to the place we're in now. It lead to his A. He sees that now, where I saw it from the very beginning.....

Keylogger;
www.SpectorSoft.com



I would HIGHLY recommend what DNU1 has already said.....

Robyn,

You said your WH was having an EA and didn't want to believe he's in a PA. Now you have convinced yourself he's unfaithful with a hobby vs his dancing partner? I'll just say it again:


Now that you have a thread in the GQII section, others may be able to help you as there is more traffic. Good luck.

**See Robyn's other threads. There are all over the place.**

Hello krush:

In answer to your question, I dance whatever the music requires. I prefer the kind of dances where they play music for a waltz then a foxtrot then some rock'n'roll then a cha cha and so on.

The passenger is single. I have met her, once I was in his car with the two of them and once I was with the WH when he went to her place to drop off a cd she'd asked him for.

She won't drive at night so she relies on him to drive her there and back.

Yesterday, the sister of the passenger phoned. He was out. She and I got talking. She told me they arrive together, sit together and mostly dance together. The WH insists that everyone at the club knows the passenger is only his recreational companion and that he's in a relationship with me but her sister told me yesterday that people at the club have asked her if the WH and the passenger are a couple. He sees nothing wrong with spending his time with his passenger / companion. He says everyone knows they're just friends. Doesn't sound like it.

The WH isn't a champion that you mentioned, krusht. It's not that sort of addiction. You're right, he's addicted to the dancing, and to the style of music and the buzz he gets from being known at the club.

He will only dance his style of dancing at his club. He refuses to dance anything else so the only give and take that's likely to happen is for me to give up what I like to do and to take up his style of dancing which would mean going to his weekly club meeting and to the monthly dances and being part of a trio.

Hello JoJo

Yes I have told him calmly and respectfully how his flirting has made me feel so uncertain that sometimes I struggle to show him warmth and at others, I find it difficult to be in the same room even.

Sounds like the middle school I work part-time at. :RollieEyes:

He is getting alot of his emotional needs met by other women.

Admiration (praise for dancing so well)
Recreational Companionship (something done together)
Affection (hugs)
Conversation (talking about the 'hobby')
Appreciation (for his dancing skills)

5/10 listed on the website.

committed

I so agree with you Committed. I had all of those ENs met so beautifully while I was partaking in my hobby. I talked about it all the time - drove my DH mad - all conversation pointed at hobby.

As we filled each others love banks we became closer and closer and started to fall.

Robyn, maybe your H isn't too far down that long and slippery path just yet but please keep watching every move. My H was semi aware that what was going on shouldn't have been. His instinct was to keep filling my love bank - his patience paid off and I realised how stupid I was being and what a dangerous game I was playing by spending that "quality time" with OM.

My H was introduced to OM early on, he knew the majority of what went on but that didn't mean that I wasn't having an A (EA).

So many things that you have said about your H have rung true with our story.

I still love my hobby but I am no longer obsessed and have realised that the obsession came because I was addicted to the admiration, recreational companionship, affection, conversation that OM gave me.

One night when realisation was beginning to dawn on me, I wondered whether there was such a thing as an emotional affair and Googled it. MBs site came up , I read the infidelity page and that was when I knew what I'd done.

Be true to yourself and any doubts you have and get your H to check out the MB "Coping with indidelity - Part 1 How do affairs begin?"


Hopefully if there is nothing in it at the mo, your H will now be aware of what might happen and will tighten his boundaries.

ST

Robyn:

Then is not really a problem for you.

Your dancing with others, and he's just dancing with this other person, all the time.

You can't give up your dancing. But you can give up your husband. So its not really a problem.

Your Husband doesn't like you going? It cramps his style? Your not part of the "in-group"? You can't dance as well in this style?

So its not really a problem.

It's all his.

Your Husband is in, at a minimum, an EA with this "passenger" and I would suspect that he is in a full blown PA as well. Why not? He has all the opportunity he needs.

And you sit at home pouting: "I told him I wasn't happy with his going, and I'm going to sit here"

And off he goes. To someone else.

Can your prevent him from dancing? No.

Do you know what boundaries are?

There is LOTS of info about them here. One boundary is that YOU attend his dances. I don't care if it is cramping his style. He is disrespecting you and your marriage by excluding you.

Stop avoiding the truth. Your Marriage is going into the dumper and your holding the lid open. Nothing wrong with that. He might not be worth staying married to.

But acting like a wife who wants her husband back, and start protecting your turf.

LG