First of all, this isn't the easiest thing in the world, but I'm sincere in being here.
About a year or so ago, I was away on business with some co-workers, 1 of which I knew had been unfaithful in the country we were visiting. 3 of us went out together, and I being a non-drinker, was prepared to be the responsible one that evening. Well, to make a long story short, I, along with them, got pretty drunk, at which point #1 suggested we take a few of the girls that worked in the bar back to our hotel. #1 had his own room and #2 and I shared a room. Naturally, #2 and I resisted as it wasn't our normal thing, but I guess after a little coaxing, we agreed and well, here I am on this message board.
I didn't tell my wife for quite some time, and since have become very spiritually connected to God and I feel the Holy Spirit has really been moving me to say something. Maybe I was taking too long because my wife confronted me about it, not knowing when, but saying she felt very uneasy for a long time that I had stepped out on her.
I denied it for months, but about two weeks ago I came clean. Of course she's hurting, and I don't blame her for the anger and pain. The fact that it wasn't an ongoing thing is somewhat comforting to her she says, but doesn't really mean much at this point.
I don't know how to reconcile because I don't know that what I feel is genuine guilt at this point. I'm trying to be as honest as possible and am truly sorry, but not necessarily broken up about it because I know that I'm not the kind of guy that does that, nor do I solicit "professionals" for any reason. My buddy paid something for those two women to come over to our room, but I didn't. I know I'm guilty of the crime, but I want to know how to become remorseful about the act, and not the fact that I told her and now she's putting me through the ringer.
I want nothing more than to keep my family together and heal the wounds I've created, but I have no idea where to start.
She's threatened leaving a few times and I try to suppress the anger that I feel when she says that because I should only be angry at myself, but really that's the only time when I feel some sort of way about it.
Believe me, I'm not cavalier about this at all, but I just haven't been able to break down in front of her and tell her how sorry I really am, or how important she and our children are to me.
Please, those of you who have been the WS and have since recovered, help me begin the mending process before I lose my family.

It seems like, Iseekremorse, if you want to save your M or at least "man up" about what you have done, your mantra should become IOFFERREMORSE...

That would be a good place to start. It's pretty hard for someone to recover faith & value in someone who refuses to take sincere and apologetic responsibility for their actions.

Iseek

If you had any idea what pain you caused your wife it would be hard not to feel something. Let me put it this way...you have probably never hurt another human being as much as you have hurt your wife doing this very selfish act. It is DEVASTATING. And you did this to the one person in your life who you PROMISED to love and cherish and to protect.

I suggest you start reading this forum inside and out. Follow one of the stories of a BS and then maybe you can grasp what it may feel like as a BS. Your wife is in great pain, and that's where the anger comes from. And considering that you are not SHOWING much remorse to her, the anger is even greater. Think of a painful event in your life and then times that by about 1000 and then think that someone you loved did it to you. I hope you get the idea. READ. LEARN.

Encourage her to leave you. She needs to be away from you so she can choose if its better with you or without you. Tell her you love her and are willing to give her that space. She needs to do that for the both of you if you are going to have a future.JMHO

Not a WS, but is there a way to "become" remorseful? I dunno. Maybe if you lose everything in your life that you hold dear or believed to be true you can become remorseful and humbled. I find it very odd that some human beings just can't fathom how devastating betrayal is to another human being. You have effectively murdered your BW, emotionally and spiritually. You claim to have become very spiritual with God yet you can't fathom the trauma you caused your wife...maybe it's just me but I don't believe you because those two concepts contradict each other in every way.

When she divorces you and takes the children and you are left all alone, you will undertand how important she was. You will have wished you would have told her how sorry you are and how much she means to you.

How would you feel if she went out and found her 'soulmate'. The person she can trust with her deepest secrets, her emotions, her true love. And that person was not you.

Remorse is a feeling you get when you mess up and take responsibility. You saying that you arenot the type of guy that does 'that', that you are not a cheater. Look up infidelity in the dictionary, and it will describe what you have done. Saying I am not a cheater after having cheated is hypcritical. Not only are you a cheater, you are a liar. You made a committment to your wife to 'forsake all others until death do you part'. I can promise you that even though you KNOW that you are not a liar and a cheater, your wife KNOWS that you are. She is just trying to determine if divorcing you will be harder than staying with you (and she is probably worried about the kids). My suggestion is that you think long and hard about what you are very likely to lose and hopefully some guilt and remorse will surfaces.