This may be a stupid observation, but I'm new to this infidelity stuff. I'm the victim of a short-lived EA by my wife with an ex-lover, and in the hell that followed I learned some other stuff about her that floored me. I never thought I'd be fixated on learning all I can about unfaithful wives and how to get control of my life in the aftermath.

Anyway, I'm new here and reading through the topics on MB has been simply overwhelming. It is hard to believe how many people have betrayed their spouses, violated their marriage vows, and generally trampled on the one they promised to love, cherish and care for forever. Unbelievable. It is an epidemic.

Also, just from my observation, this site seems to dispel the myth that more men have affairs than women. It seems like there are more cheating wives than husbands on these boards.

This is really scary. I came here for help with recovery and I'm more freaked out than ever.

Is it good to come here and read this stuff all the time? I have found some really useful ideas and concepts here, mainly that I am actually not going crazy. In fact, I'm totally normal. It's my wife who is off the reservation.

However, I'm thinking coming here is hampering my recovery because it fosters more fear and makes me lose hope all over again. Any thoughts on that?

Hi!

The world isn't 100 percent packed with people suffering from infidelity, but these boards are.

I hear you about becoming obsessed with the topic of adultery, but when you are where you are at, you're obsessed with it anyway, right? :-)

These boards, when you pick the right people to listen to, can be incredibly valuable as far as getting a program together to save your marriage and make it even better.

As far as men more than women, here are some numbers I saw:

60-70 percent of adultery victims are women.
30-40 percent of adultery victims are men. This number has increased dramatically over the past decade and a half, due in part to the increased presence of women in the workplace.

Hey, put your story in your signature, you will get more helpful replies.

Ottert,

I feel for you, buddy--BTDT. I too would never in a million years have thought that I would become acquainted with this disgusting and sad topic either. The disrespect and disregard for marriage vows (to the letter!) is rampant out there, even from people you would never think would go there. They do just "go off the reservation" and use whatever excuses they can find (most commonly, "my spouse neglected me" & "marital problems") to justify it.

Female infidelity is rapidly rising and threatens to become equivalent in frequency with that of males. Blame loosening of social standards, easy no-fault divorce, more women in the workplace (where most affairs begin), whatever... Remember, women file for more than 2/3rds of all divorces. But, it is an equal-opportunity pathology.

You are very lucky by comparison that your W had ONLY a short-lived EA that (apparently) is now over. Most BHs on here are/were in far more damaging situations--full-blown EA/PA with a WW who showed no remorse or inclination to end the A and repair the M. I know this sounds strange, but consider yourself fortunate because it is my anecdotal observation (and that of the Harley's) that WWs are considerably LESS likely to genuinely return to their marriage than WHs.

Your first order of business is to insist upon and ensure that your W is perpetually in NO CONTACT (NC) with her former EA-partner. If there is ongoing or renewed contact, even "casual or innocent" contact (no real such thing), then recovery cannot even begin. Let us know...

Hey Mike

I've read your entire 43-page main thread, so I know your story. In fact, it's one of the ones that had me reeling the most, so this is all your fault! Man oh man! My wife is in education, so when I heard you say it was with the janitor at school, I about lost it. Ugh!

BTW, I'm from the South and a committed Christian, but I love that wicked Jersey humor.

Thanks for the reply and I'll get around to figuring out that signature thing.

Confused....why should ottert "consider himself fortunate" with that statisitc?

ottert,

I was overwhelmed when I found this site too as to the number of infidels.

Oprah says this about being asked if you were ever sexually molested as a child, the answer is 'yes' and 'I don't know'. This is because memories can be suppressed.

I've come to the conclusion that if asked 'has your spouse ever cheated on you ?', the answer would be 'yes' and 'I don't know'. This is because they just haven't told you.

Sad.

Take care.

Correct me if I am wrong, but it appears that Ottert's W had an:
1) "short-term EA" only and
2) that it is over

Hopefully, she is withdrawing/has withdrawn from it and will be willing to reconcile/renew their marriage. Again, correct me if I wrong, but I am asumming, Ottert, that you DO want to save your marriage...true or false? If so, he seems to have a good chance.

There is little doubt that the longer any affair goes, the more difficult it is to recover from and the more likely (emotional and legal) divorce becomes. And there is little doubt that it impossible to recover a marriage as long as the WS is still involved with the OP. The affair must end and the sooner the better...

The Harley's do admit that WWs reconcile less frequently than WHs and that fits with the anecdotal experiences I have observed. WWs are more likely to knowingly affair as an "exit" from a marriage they consider "dead already" while WHs are more likely to "be incautious" and foolishly expect their affair to not supplant their marriage. It is well-known that WWs are substantially more likely to file for & pursue divorce than their male counterparts.

My point for Ottert is that since his WWs affair was short-lived and is over, he is in a far better position to recover his marriage than most BHs are...twisted, cold comfort I know. I wish none of it had ever happenned to any of us...

SDCWoman

Yes, I very much want to save my marriage and have been working like a trojan for over a year now.

I agree with you that I am fortunate and have a much better chance than some on these boards. I can't imagine how I would survive if I had to endure some of the pain I've read about here. Her EA and the aftermath has aged me at least 10 years. I feel like I've been in mourning for 14 months.

I'll fill in some of the gaps in my story.

My W was very defiant and hateful on D-day, telling me her contact with OM was "none of your business" and that she would "end it when I get good and ready." Also, "You're not going to control me and tell me who I can talk to." She spent the better part of 10 months insisting she had not betrayed me or violated my trust. I heard things like "I did nothing wrong in talking to him, and if you think I did, you need mental health counseling!"

She told me a few days after D-day that she had thought of him and prayed for him on his birthday our entire marriage. I never knew any of this. But she insists it was not for romantic reasons, only that she cared for him as a human being who had been a "huge" part of her life for three years and that she had always felt guilty about how she broke up with him. I asked her "What about forsaking all others do you not understand? Forsaking is not just physical, but mental and emotional as well." It was 10 months before she grudgingly confessed to not forsaking him in her heart.

One of the discoveries I made was that she cheated on her ex-fiance at least 4 times while they were dating or engaged and before we met(no actual sex, but clothes-on rubbing/humping, kissing, going into another guys bedroom but they got interrupted, etc. I'm sorry if that's TMI.) Her exact words were "No, I was not faithful to him."

I believe her when she says she had no sex with them. Plus, it was before we met and she didn't do it to me. But it's a window into how loose she was with boundaries. I'm not sure she's learned anything. She said she never meant to do anything with these guys, they were just hanging out as friends and one thing led to another. Huh? You're engaged with a ring and date and one thing just leads to another with some other guy? I found out about all this after we had been married 21 years and in the aftermath of her EA. It hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. Honestly, for the next 10 minutes I couldn't say anything to her except "That's unbelievable. I can't believe I'm just finding this out."

I also learned that a couple of years ago she had been attracted to friend of ours to the point she had to avoid him at church and pray for the attraction to go away. She says it did. Problem is, a few months later she volunteered to help him and his wife pack and move and spent hours and days at his house, doing his laundry and ironing his shirts. To be fair, she says his wife asked her to do the laundry to help out, but come on, ironing his shirts while I'm at our house ironing my own? She says she was no longer attracted to him and was in no danger of being alone with him (yeah right.) I believe 100%, without a doubt that nothing happened between them. I know him and I would know. I don't believe he ever knew of my W's attraction to him. Still, an unbelievably stupid and reckless thing for her to do.

Also, I was reminded that for 15 years she kept a necklace her ex-fiance (the same one she emailed behind my back) gave her. One day about 6 years ago, I asked her "Where'd you get that necklace?" I thought maybe it was a gift from a girlfriend or her parents a long time ago. She said "(Ex)gave it to me." Dumbfounded, I asked her why she still had it and wore it. She said "Because it's my favorite necklace." I asked her to get rid of it. She never did, but later said she lost it. I'm still not sure I believe her.

Having said all that, we are making progress. She has been in counseling with me for 8 months every step of the way. She says she is committed to staying married because we are opposed to divorce on biblical grounds. But in counseling last week she said something like "I care for you, but I don't have warm and fuzzy love feelings for you. I want to have a good marriage, though."

I think she emotionally divorced me at least 5 years ago. She stuck around out of a sense of commitment and for our kids.

Tonight, I brought up Harley's 15 Hours A Week principle and she seemed very open to it. It's just that most of our alone time for the past year has been painful. We've got to find a way to have fun and do something to create better memories and deposits into our Love Banks. I'm new here and I'm the one plunging in and trying to find ways to rebuild our marriage. She just follows my lead and is not enthusiastic.

I watched her write and send the NC email (we knew nothing of the MB principle of NC, but I insisted on it). It was direct and specific - "I will not be emailing you again and I am asking you not to contact me." She swears she will never contact him again because she has no need to and she took care of her "unfinished business."

But, and this is a big "but", she has shown almost no remorse or a repentant attitude. She has wavered back and forth on whether what she did was even a betrayal. Our counselor called her on it and pressed her for months, saying "How can you say that what you did was right in the eyes of God?" She eventually and grudgingly conceded that it was a breaking of my trust, but it was half-hearted. I don't believe she "gets it." How can I fully trust her to never do something like this again if she doesn't think it's wrong?

All I'm going on is her word. Can't trust it.

I think you are correct i not trusting her. It must be very painful for you feeling like she does not get it and any remorse is either insincere or half-hearted.

Her history is pretty revealing of what it says about her character. I can imagine how shocking it must have been to find this stuuf out.

Seems like there is something very messed up in her. It is hard to beleive sonmeone does not see what she has done as wrong and a betrayl.