My wife told me she wanted a divorce in very early January. I was amicable, and told her that I didn't want to get a divorce, that I loved her, and we should try to work it out. She didn't respond to that very much, but I think my kindness and understanding during that time made an impression on her. I found out a bit later that she had had an emotional affair, which had not progressed to anything physical yet. I confronted her about it, and as far as I know, she got rid of him. I've been checking, but we don't live together anymore, so it's a little harder to keep track of. I do believe it is done though. It was very short lived, and from what I could see, they hadn't talked for a while anyway. I did not "expose" her to the world, as I hadn't read this sight yet.

I had been over at our house almost non stop in the last 3-4 weeks, just spending time with her and the kids. We were/are semi affectionate (all from me to her though). She said she doesn't know what she wants, I have asked her if the relationship is over, she says she doesn't know. I believe she still loves me, but feels like she'll be "burned" if she comes back to any type of relationship. We've done a lot of talking, and cleared the air on a lot of issues, and it seems that we are actually finally able to be around each other without the tension we used to have. Honestly though,I'm tired of being there all the time, being good to her, showing her that I can fulfill her emotional needs, and be a good man to her, and receiving nothing, not one thing, in return.

I told her yesterday that I was physically and emotionally exhausted, and needed us to not talk for a while, so I could get myself together, and start to get my life on track. It is odd though, that she always seems to find a reason to call me. I also told her that if she needed to go see other people, she could. I know this was a mistake, and I don't think she plans to, but I need to know what to do next, as honestly, I believe she is open to reconciling our relationship, but she just can't commit to it yet. Any help would be appreciated.

Can I ask why you have moved out and abandoned your family at a time when they most need you?

p.s. since you are not divorced or divorcing, you might want to have this thread moved over to General Questions 11 so the folks can help you try and save your marriage. Just click on "notify" at the bottom of the post and ask the mod to move it. Your marriage is far from over and there are lots of things you can try.

Because in the divorce agreement, she gets the house, and not with me in it. Perhaps I gave the impression that the process isn't as far along as it is. I'm not very good at relaying stuff on forums, so I apologize. The divorce was finalized quickly because I told her that I wouldn't fight her on it. She and I were amicable, and the agreement was very reasonable. I don't like it, and don't want it, but since I live in a no-fault state, I can't stop it either.

I'm sure I've made a bunch of mistakes, but I've done enough right that we're actually getting along very well now, even though we've agreed to take a break for a while, as we were both pretty emotionally beat up from all the talking we had done. The divorce isn't final until about May, when the court hearing is done. The divorce is "in the system" though, so its just a matter of time.

We've finally talked about a bunch of issues, and she's finally let go of some of her anger she internalized over the years. We talked about her EA, and it's taken care of. I've done a lot of self reflection, and seen my apathy over the years, and realized finally how I was hurting her, and how she hurt me. She knows as well as I do that the legal dissolution will take a few months, so we're still married, and the divorce can be stopped up until the hearing date as far as I know.

Gotcha! Thanks for the explanation, Vulthoom. See, she wanted the divorce and wanted you out so she could carry on her affair without interference. However, affairs are almost always temporary, but divorce is permanent. I bet her affair is on its last gasp.

Have your kids been exposed to her adultery partner? Do you know who he is?

Yes I do know who he is. No, he has not been around the kids. I found out because she left her email up, and I snooped a bit. I've always known that most folks don't leave until they have a hand on another branch, but I don't think the EA was the primary motivator in her asking for the divorce. She had actually began talking to him about how to do a divorce (he is divorced), or start it, and things kind of got out of control from there. It definately was a factor, but this guy was an old friend, and was in the right place at the right time to capitalize on her vulnerability, and her selfish desires to "make herself feel better". I have no reason to believe that it got sexual. It probably would have, most all EA's do at one time or another, but I don't think this one had gotten far enough.

When I confronted her, I told her that he was not her friend, and that if he was, he'd have told her to go fix her marriage. I told her that he took advantage of her, and that she was naive and was being really unrealistic, utterly selfish, and well, stupid about it. She told me she would end it, and all things indicate she has. She told me that he listened and made her feel wanted, and that she just wanted to do something that made her feel better. Classic, I know.

She also told me that the reason she didn't tell me when she filed was because she didn't want to hurt me anymore, which I know is not true, she just didn't want to get caught, or be embarrassed. But mainly, me finding out stripped her of her victimhood status in the marriage, and deprived her of the power to make all the decisions. We've actually come a long way in a short time since then, and in a way, I think we might be on the road to possibly saving our relationship, and one day, our marriage.

There is something odd though. I get the feeling sometimes that the EA was on its last gasp when I found out, because there didn't appear to have been any communication for at least a week or more. I think she might have been coming to her senses, especially with the way I had been treating her while filing the papers. I had taken her anger away, and she was left with nothing to feed the EA, and really, nothing to motivate her to even really leave the relationship. I also get the feeling that she wanted me to find out. I just don't know why, perhaps she wanted to come clean, but couldn't face me? Or maybe it was truly an accident, and I got lucky in catching her.

Hi Melody, not to steal this sitch, see moderator closed down the writer of deviant poem site? It was one of the strangest that I have seen here. Glad you protested..