My WW came by today and told the kids that this staying with Dad thing cant work . We have to go back to the 4 days each ,what do they think . They both told her they didnt want to go with her. She asked me to tell them they should go with her .I told her that I tell them that you love them but that is as far as I will go .I am not going to tell them ,by my words ,that their displeasure for what she has done is wrong .I told her I wont tell them to go or stay. She then questioned my motives and asked if this had to do with paying child support .I got quietly angry at that point explaining that their well being was my one and only concern unlike her .I then asked her to leave. And the saga continues .

You have great restraint. If she would have said that to me. I would have told her. "You may have a question about my motives, but I have no question about your morals"

I can only hope and pray that somewhere down the road the cost of this affair causes it to collapse .Hopefully the damage it has created in our children and me is repairable if not limitable. I have to believe the cost of this affair has to having some influence on my WW and the OM soon .

If I may give you a thought. The next time your wife brings up the fact that the kids won't go with her. Tell her to put her selfish desires aside for Just a moment and look into their eyes and see if she can distinguish the difference in their faces and how they look at her from just 2 months ago. I am sure (because I was) they are downcast, and don't look at the future with the same carefree innocence they had just 2 months ago. Ask your wife how she feels about taking the image of there mommy, which they owned, which they loved, and replacing it with what they see now. Then ask her if she is OK with that? Ask her if she has ever thought about giving that stolen image back to them? "Did you think my trust was the only cost of your affair"?

I am hearing that my WW is about to try and play hardball .She seems to think I have been playing dirty . I know I havent . She will soon try and force my kids to go with her for the 4 days . Where I live I have no recourse .I will tell them that I love them .My older son doesnt have to go but wants to look out for his younger brother . Where we end up is up to God and fate. I will support them no matter what their choice. For those reading from the States I wish I had your avenues for court action . Ultimately I can only let my kids that I love them and support them no matter what . I am not sure how I should repsond to my wife verbally if she come firing trash in my direction. Any suggestions ? I copy/pasted this from SB .After reading the previous response I have an answer already .

I suggest recording your conversations with your WW. They may come in handy later on. Even if you can't use them legally, the knowledge that the conversation was being recorded might be enough for you to give more consideration to what you say to her before you say it.

I have contacted my lawyer with the most recent events .She has suggested that I should be encouraging my children to see their mother .I asked them just recently if they would like to spend this weekend with her but they declined .I am not going to tell them that they have to see her .I fully realize that they need their mother .This most recent turn of events is incredibaly sad .It is no time to celebrate the fact that the boys dont want to see her but it is what it is . Created by her and paid for by her and unfortunaletly them as well .

"I asked them just recently if they would like to spend this weekend with her but they declined"

I would not do more than that.

"I am not going to tell them that they have to see her."

I agree.

"It is no time to celebrate the fact that the boys dont want to see her but it is what it is"

It is.

She can go try and play hardball all she wants. If she does that. Ask her if hardball could have kept her from destroying her marriage by screwing some other guy? I would just laugh at her. What is she going to do? Hand cuff them? Chain them up? You should tell her that she can have their bodies, its their hearts she can't have.

I would tell her. The children believe (and rightly so) that she chose the other man over them. She did. Tell her it's called a consequence. I would also tell her that you don't need to say a thing to them. They choose to be with the stable parent. As your one son continues through adolescents. His anger at her will not decrease. She believes that she can win them over to her and this new guy. I hated my step father (still do). I saw through him in a minute. He cheated on my mom when she was pregnant with my little sister (What did my mom expect?). She has no idea, just how sorry she will be. She is making decisions that will effect her relationship with them for the rest of their lives.

I know I have done all I can .I know I have done the right things . I wish I could feel positive about the outcome of this sad saga . I am becoming numb to all the hurt but it is still there.A huge underlying cloud on my soul that I cant seem to escape . I have to believe it will get better but it is SOOOOOO HARDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Every day you will get stronger. You may not notice it. But someday you will notice that this trigger didn't hit you like last time. Or that you went a week with out depression instead of 2 days. It will get better. If I can make a comparison between breaking up and quitting smoking. At first you don't think you can make it. But slowly you do get stronger and the urge subsides. You need to work on yourself. Do things that make you happy and "The happier you get the more she'll regret". You are an awesome parent. Your kids would not know the difference between the two of you unless they were shown what integrity is and in your wife's case isn't. You have to take solace in that. There is an awesome woman out there for you. Only you will have your children behind you when that happens. They will be in your corner. They will want happiness for you. I can't say they will ever want that for their mother. Stay strong and take care of yourself. Do something for you today.

gotta go along with what ouch is saying. your ww can force the boys while they are kicking and screaming but i guarntee they will be kicking harder and screaming louder the next time she visits.

she needs to back off so they can process all that has been dumped on them.

they will learn to accept things better when they see you are able to move forward and find happiness in your life again.

you do need to be the one to push the court papers. you will be in a much better position if YOU initiate that process.

hang in there dude. you will be fine.

Hey Pops.......sorry for the TJ:

Are there any changes in them and would you be willing to copy your stories from the broken-linked Success Stories thread to the new Success Stories 2 thread I started last month? Or is it OK if I do it? If so, please post your permission there....the old (and new) threads are linked to my sig line below.

Thanks,
Ace

/TJ

ace my good man copy and paste as you feel fit on this site.

as for my kids. at the time they were if i remember right 6, 10, 11, 12, 18, 19 & 26.

26 yo is w's ss. he was mad at her but supportive of what i wanted to do. today he is fine with us because i have moved past the hurt and anger. funny thing it is his w that holds resentment toward fh and she herself was a ww when my son met her. go figure

19 yo was very angry and moved out of the house almost immediately. she grew closer to her mom again as time went by and saw how supportive fh was while the 2 of them were pg at the same time. they have grown close again.

more later on the rest. the family is ready and IHOP's all you can eat pancakes is calling me.

My WW came tonight to "Take" her children to dinner at her place .They both chose ,oncea again ,not to go . It was very emotional mainly on her part .They both told her this was her doing not theirs or mine .I stayed quiet >I did get her to agree at the end that i was not responsible for this standoff .Her actions and choices were at the root.

it is very sad when a mother feels rejection from her children. my w felt that from the olders after her d-day. she was embarassed, had tremendous guilt and teetered on major depression from the course of her actions and the way the kids responded to her.

sounds like your ww is at the very least understanding that it was herself that brought these feelings out of her children.

what is her next move????? the way i see it she has 3 choices.

1 - drop her soul mate cold turkey and start working on rebuilding your marriage (seems doubtful)
2 - accept that her kids need time to process all this and back off trying to force them while still remaining in her A with om (it will mean she has to accept limited contact with the boys. would be very hard for her)
3 - stay in the A and start court proceedings to gain her visitation time equally

it is the 3rd that i think you need to prepare for the most by initiating the court action.

1 - you take her to court seeking a legal separartion or divorce (cases can always be dropped if she comes out of her fog)

2 - you petition for FULL legal and physical custody of the kids based on her disertion of the family

3 - You ask for spousal support from her based on you having he lions share of time with your children.

these may all seem mean/harsh/cruel but they a critical if you want her to get the whole picture of her future should she continue on this misquided path

Thanks dadseight/pops . I have explained to my children that their mother still loves them and that they still love her .I have stated that they need to spend time with her when they feel it is right .I dont think she is ready for a PLan B letter as of yet .She is still in the A . I will let this recent punch in the gut sink in for her for a bit . In Canada she cant petition the courts for anything more than she has as far as custody ,separation ,divorce at this time and neither can I . If she wishes to drag our children out of my house in order for them to visit she is allowed (Within the boudaries set down by child abuse laws) .She has to work on regaining their trust and love .I will suggest she needs professional (Counselling) help to work on that .

Excuse me but your wife is an idiot. Your wife's future relationship will be like this. They will love her and forgive her. And she will have absolutely ZERO input into their decisions in the future. They will visit on holidays and talk about current events, there will be big hugs. And there will ALWAYS be the guilt confession to them, that she screwed up her life and her relationship with them. She will have no significant place as in "What would mom think?" I so wish I could talk to her and let her know what 20 to 30 to 40 years down the line will be like for her boys. And the % of thought they will give her. It doesn't mean they won't love her. But they will have come not to depend on her for anything. If she had a clue she would be back at your feet begging for you to reconcile.

You could print that off for her. Tell her its from a 50 year old man who's mom did the same thing when him and his brother were 5 and 6 years old. If she only knew.

If only I thought that would help I would print off my entire threads and hand them to her .Unfortunately she is still lost .And the damage grows . The Greeks had it right .Pride is such a dangerous destructive thing .Like a classic Greek character my WW has way too much pride and this is ultimatley leading to her downfall .Unfortunately she has dumped her entire family ,including me , in the toilet during this journey.