In early January, my wife of 8 years informed me that she had filed for divorce. I was obviously a bit shocked, but we actually drafted an agreement, finalized it, and got it into the system in about a week. I live in a no fault state, so there isn't much you can do if someone wants to divorce you. I was amicable, and good to her, and it seems to have really made an impression on her. She told me that it had, and that she hadn't seen this side of me in a while. I haven't been the best husband I could be, and nor had she been the best wife. I was apathetic, and didn't fulfill her emotional needs. I have taken responsibility for my failures in our marriage, and am determined to correct them.

I found out she had an emotional affair. It appeared to have tapered off, and when I found out, I confronted her on it. She got rid of him, and I believe her. I've done some checking and it appears that she is being honest. I think it was a short lived affair, and hadn't blossomed into something more serious. She was very ashamed and embarrassed, and we agreed to put it in our past. She asked my forgiveness, and I forgave her.

I had to move out about a month ago, before most of these events transpired. It's odd though, that there always seemed to be a reason for me to be at the house. This or that, I was there 4-5 days a week, for several hours a day. I just got exhausted, and felt as if I was being used as a crutch, even if it was unintentional. I don't think that was her intention, I think she just enjoys having me there, but also enjoys when I leave. She's getting me for free right now, and I don't think thats right. We agreed to take a break and not talk unless necessary for a while, and let things settle. We were both a bit beat up emotionally from all the talking and air-clearing.

We get along very well now, and it seems the old tension is gone. There is the tension inside myself of wondering, but a lot of times I think that she is as afraid of losing me as I am her. She just seems to give off the signs that she still cares, and wants me around. She just doesn't want to get "burned" again, and come back to the same situation. I have changed, and I think she has too, and I think we should start from a clean slate, and get some help in repairing our marriage. Is there any hope, and what can I do to help us get this on track?

edited for clarity.

Go to MB weekend...that would be the fastest way to learn and implement the M tools that will improve your M. Read His Needs Her Needs (both of you). Fill out the EN questionnaire. Read the book about love busters. Fill out that questionnaire (both of you). Spend 15+ together meeting eachother's needs and eliminate the LBs. That's a start.

Improve you and be consistent. Be a man that any woman would want. Even if this doesn't work with her you will have become a better man and will have the tools to have a wonderful R with someone in the future.

So if she is willing, fill out those questionnaires and take it one step at a time.

So why did you have to move out?

I think I may have made a mistake by moving out, but she had asked me to, so I did. I might as well not have though, I have been there 4-5 days a week for the last month, until I told her I needed to take a physical and emotional break. I still have a house key, and she doesn't want it back right now. I'm over there quite a bit still, and we get along very well.

I don't really think I can move back in, so that's kind of off the table. She isn't seeing anyone. Last time I went over there, she kind of broke down and said that last weekend, which is the first that she did not see the children for a couple of days, was really hard on her. She says that she feels bad for causing all this, and hurting so many people. I think it's entirely possible that reality has set in, and that the weight of what she has done is very heavy on her. I had bought her a certificate for a massage and such for Valentine's Day, and she tried to return it, saying that she didn't deserve it because of all the hurt she had caused. I told her that I loved her, and that she did deserve it, and that I wanted her to have it. She took it back. I think she is in a stage of massive guilt right now. The future her decision holds may not look so rosy now. I really don't know though, maybe she just missed the kids.

I am going over tomorrow for my midweek time with the girls, she invited me to stay and be with them there. She has a meeting for a couple of hours later on, but I will be there for dinner and such. We also discussed some activities for the kids that would start soon, and take placed in the evening. I told here that I would have the kids back in time to start that with no problem, and she said that maybe on those days I could stay for dinner and take them from there.

I also told her that us being together didn't have to be just us getting back together to fall into the same old habits. I told her about this website, and the principals it teaches. I told her that us rebuilding our relationship would be based on a process, and would be done with care and thoughtfulness for each of us. It would be something that would be able to last.

I have improved a lot of things, and really taken control of a lot of aspects of my life that probably contributed to our problems. It's been a short time, but I think she can see it a little. I've been treating her like I did when we first were together, and meeting her emotional needs. She also said that she would look at the Emotional Needs questionnaire, which was encouraging to me. This woman is the love of my life, and a good woman, one that I don't want to lose.

Sometimes I'm really encouraged, because I feel like the invitations for dinner and such are windows that she is opening for me, and that she is softening up to the idea of at least trying to rebuild our relationship. We're still not talking much, because she said she needs time, I think to work through her guilt and such. She says she can't give me any answers, so I don't know if it's just that she is protecting herself, in her eyes, from getting back into a relationship with me that will end up the same, or if she just doesn't want to come "crawling" back. Or, maybe she just doesn't have the heart to tell me to get lost.

I feel like I am making progress though, so I'll just keep plugging along. I'm committed to bringing us back together, and I guess I'll just have to be patient.

Vul

My first advice is to move back home. I know you said that you don't think that is possible. This is your house, right? Your name is on the deed? If yes you should move back home.


She's cake eating. She's throwing you crumbs so that you will stick around.

You say you believe that the A has ended. I don't. Moving out and allowing her freedoms to do as she pleases has enabled her to continue the A, without your interference. If you cannot monitor her daily activities then you cannot possibly know that the A has ended. Cheaters LIE. They will lie to your face, holding a bible. YOU CANNOT AND SHOULD NOT BELIEVE HER right now.


I don't think so. If she realized the pain and devastation she has caused, she would be begging you to come home.


Why do you think that is?

I don't want to sound harsh, but she is playing the WS script like all the others do. She is still in contact with OM and as long as she is, you cannot recover your M.

You may say to yourself...no way, but this forum has seen SO MANY WS say the same thing, it becomes obvious what is going on.

Please don't believe any words that come out of her mouth. Verify. Move back home. If she wants to split up the family then she should be the one who has to leave. You are making this all too easy for her.

I also suggest you ask the mods to move this thread over to Gen Quest II. There is a lot more traffic over there.