I was wondering the same thing, Mimi. My WH's life since the A has been nothing but drama. And from what I understand, OW is the classic drama queen with diva tendencies, suicide threats, ex-husband hysterics, racially mixed kids, "live for the moment" attitude, etc. Now he's chosen OW and D to get "closure" from boring, consistent, good, predictable me.

But is the "drama" what fuels the A? Both T2L and I have had long-term M's that were relatively boring. Boring in a good way -- routine, not unusual, going with the flow with raising kids, maintaining a home, being a family, feeling stable in our marriages, always putting our family first.

I think our WHs set out to liven things up a bit with A during MLC. My WH told his IC that he's lived his life like he golfs with his swings down the middle of the fairway. And now he's ready to mix it up a bit.

If we BS added more drama to our lives, would that in any way cause our WHs to want to come back?

Holy:

I think we fit the same scenario. We've been married 33 years in July and I think my H had a MLC.


SAME TYPE of OW in my case..ALMOST EXACTLY...

I think these kinda women go after men like our husbands when they are vulnerable..THEY ARE GOOD AT IT..my H called it her "MODE OF SURVIVAL"...After the affair was over, he said.."She's moved on.."and he seemed almost certain..that's how come she told him that's what I was doing and I had to make clear that although I wasn't WAITING, I certainly was not DATING..since I was/am a WIFEY sort of person and NOT like her..she didn't even want to MARRY him and made that clear..she just wanted his TIME and MONEY...or whatever he could BUY for her...in other words, HO...YOUNG HO..at that..17 years younger...

I'll speak for myself...I had stopped meeting my H's top emotional needs which made him VULNERABLE to such outside influences..you know, like Adam in the GARDEN OF EDEN..tempted by EVIL FORCES...KWIM????


So let's look at this differently...I failed at doing MY PART in keeping the MARRIAGE EXCITING..they want an exciting MARRIAGE..NOT the DRAMA that they find themselves in once involved in the affair...the OW gives the PRETENSE of HEALTHY EXCITEMENT that once was present in the relationship that he had with YOU...whereas her stuff ends up being CRAZY and THEY are CAUGHT UP in it..become ADDICTED and cant' get away from it...MAKE SENSE?

Now my H and I have lots of HEALTHY FUN and EXCITEMENT again..not the DRAMA..yes..the DRAMA that FUELED the AFFAIR...those types THRIVE on DRAMA...I guess...Who knows what it is exactly?

It's SICK..your goal is not to have a relationship like THEIRS...the goal is an IMPROVED MARRIAGE in which you are meeting your H's PRIMARY EMOTIONAL NEEDS...the OW has given AN ILLUSION/PRETENSE/FANTASY that she can do this...by putting on DRAMATIC PERFORMANCES..Ahhh..that's what it is..DRAMATIC PERFORMANCES..

Mimi I am not familiar with you thread, maybe you could bump it or post the link here. Is it on Ace's recovery thread(the new one)?

Also did you do a Plan B and if so how long did it last?

I totally agree, Mimi. Healthy drama in a marriage and family as opposed to crazy drama in A.

But my WH has filed for D and I'm Plan Bing. What do you suggest I do? I know about being patient, working on myself, keeping the family as stable as possible. But what else?

Do you think Will WH get sick of the crazy A drama before D is done?

Major drama pending is that I've discovered that WH has maxed out our home equity line spending frivoulously on impressing OW. Reality of situation has not yet set in because he's yet to have to account for this money. According to attorney, because it is on the home, and the home is an asset that will need to be divided during D, the equity line will also need to be accounted for.

Mimi -- when I say drama -- WH is a conservative banker. We've never been in debt. He's spent tons of money on her. And that money is no longer accessible because he's maxed it out.

Will that help end A?

It's on ACE's thread somewhere...

9 months between D Day and Recovery...

Plan A for about 6 months and Plan B for 3 months..

There was a False Recovery or two in there somewhere...YUCK...

Been recovered since August 2003....

EXTREMELY HAPPY and CLOSE and IN LOVE..NOW...

Holy.. ...the affair resulted in lots of financial problems for us, too..being that it's an ADDICTION..it's SELF-DESTRUCTIVE...

Is there any way to stall your divorce?

Time is your friend...

Hi T2L,

Just in case you were wondering, I can vouch that Mimi is a much-loved and wise vet around here.

Awe thanks Jayney! I have seen Mimi's name here a knew she was a VET so i really appreciate her input.

I like knowing the stats on the marital recovery side I guess to compare to, which I am sure is probably not a good idea because each WS is on there own clock. But it does helps to know, at least while I'm in Plan B how long each person was in Plan B until there spouse came home.

Sorry, T2L. Don't mean to t/j, but I think Mimi's advice is beneficial to us both.

Mimi:
You're comment about "moving on" is RIGHT on. WH has told numerous people that I'll "get over this" and move on with someone else. He's even comparing me to my sister.

Her husband had on-going A and eventually they D. He left behind their DD who was in high school at the time. By "left behind" I mean that he only sees her for a few minutes each year to give her a check as she goes off to college. Niece has ZERO relationship with her dad by her choice.

See niece was disgusted by her father's A and the impact it had on her mom. She confided in her uncle, WH, how hard this was on her. WH consoled her and told her that he could never do this to me or our kids. Fast forward and -- you guessed it -- WH does the same thing. And WH says he understands how this can happen -- and he will never judge anyone for doing this again.

My sis and niece went through he!! for years with A and then D. Sister was put in hospital for dehydration. She's been through hours of counseling, meds, you name it. She's suffered serious mental damage because of the breakup of her M and family.

Now -- 3 years later -- she's dating an old school friend who's wife died unexpectedly 7 years ago leaving him a widow with a baby. Sister is enjoying this healthy relationship where the guy is honest, family oriented, wealthy, kind, etc. WITHOUT baggage of ex-wives. And she's happy.

WH sees me as moving on to find a similar man who will treat me well and end any financial difficulties I might face with the D.
So he wants me to "move on" like my sister has or "move on" like OW has when her marriages have ended.

I'm not the "moving on" kind. Like T2L, we've been with our WH for ever. T2L since age 14 and me since age 15. We only know our Hs. We believe in being married for life.

Yes, I plan on delaying D as long as possible. Anything else? Or does WH just have to figure it out for himself?

manOH man this WH positively HATES plan B

Your dog sounds nice !

Hang in there .... you are driving him nutz!

hh & T2L, I think that the WS tell us to move on is so that they will carry less guilt.

They get to move on in their lives with a new partner and share expenses while we have the kids and struggle to make ends meet.

I told my H I had moved on but it did not mean that I had to "date someone" to move on.

Well today is H's day to visit kids. He got to the house about 1 o'clock and picked up DS10 for lunch. I was out doing errands, DD18 said dad wants to know if you want a sandwich too. I say yes and tell her what kind thinking he will send it with DS10 when they are done eating. DS10 comes in and hands the sandwiches to us and says dad wants to know if we can eat it in the...you guessed it LOL....the garage. He is told thank you for the sandwiches and because DS10 is in the house so long trying to get an answer I guess he gets the idea and says he will meet DS10 at the park behind the house.

The kids go back there and take the dogs and play for a few hours. Well I figure he would go home once the visit is done. Well I am baking chocolate chip cookies and notice that the kids are in the driveway and then across walks H! He is now in my driveway playing with my kids....LOL...Okay I am guessing this is an improvement of hanging out in the garage....back later....

T2L, not to rain on your parade, but did you not tell him to meet your kids somewhere else, to not park his car in front of your house, and to not be anywhere near your house? How is this progress? It just looks to me like he is getting to pretend he is still living at home, and that he is ignoring your feelings by not caring if any of this hurts you. He asks, so what? You already told him not to come around. Why are you letting him? Did you alter your Plan B letter to say it's ok to come around? If not, you need to stop giving him his home fix.

T2L, sneak out the backdoor and run. Time to disappear. H is looking for his daily fix and seems like he is trying to wear you down.

Keep us posted.

Call a friend, arrange to meet them for coffee, then txt DD18 that you're gonna be gone a couple of hours.

T2L,


IMVHO, I think you are allowing this game to continue because you like the fix you are getting as well. I know you want this all to just end, but I don't consider it healthy to allow H to continue to disrespectfully ignore your boundaries.

You are doing yourself and your kids a disservice by allowing confusion to reign at this point. You had a valuable break last week in your Plan B, but it cannot continue. It should have been a quick break followed by an immediate return to Plan B.

Agree with TST! As long as he gets his fix, the affair will be prolonged...BTDT..the more I enabled my H's affair..by relieving his pain by allowing him to get "a fix" from ME..the more he fell "in love" with the OW...YUCK...

Okay, he is gone. He was in driveway for 30 minutes and he left.

I completely understand and value all your input everyone. I do agree he is getting a fix being around the family and home.

I am looking into ways to tighten up the PB on my end. He was never actually told to not park in my driveway. When he visits he does not park in the driveway but in the street in front of the house.

I never directly told H to go away I just told the kids to meet dad at another park instead of the one behind the house. So the kids would say hey dad lets go to this park instead. I am fortunate however that H has not pushed the issue to have custody or make the kids stay over at the Sea Hag Den or as Neak so cleverly put it the Barf Shack. I am fortunate enough to have H now following his days to visit and having the kids get my permission from me for any additional visits and this is all done with out any legal paperwork. I would rather see his dumb car in the street than have my kids go there. I do NOT want my children going to the Sea Hag Den. But Yes I can look into some more ways to tighten up.

Asking him to get off the property would be a huge LB and it would be very hard for my children to see, probably heartbreaking actually. DS10 is so very happy to be in contact with his dad again and really looks forward to the visits. I can however, when it happens, stay out of sight. And really he hasn't done that very much in the last 3 months. I would rather have the Sea Hag LB'ing and pressure him and tighten things on my end and in my control with out LB'ing and pressuring. He knows my character. I am polite and considerate of others, and even when others are ugly I don't change.


It makes it a bit harder when you have a 10 year old son begging you to eat a sandwich with his dad in the garage. I explained to DS10 that I cannot let dad into the garage to eat the sandwich's because when dad comes in its like letting Sea Hag in too. He knows, but its so very hard on him, he wants his daddy back. He wants to ask his dad to come home but he is afraid to so he pressures me instead.

The 2nd PBL will be going out probably just after Valentines Day.

But thanks again to everyone who pops on, I know your heart is for me and in my best interest and I appreciate y'all!

I know you mean well, but have you considered that the longer you let H come by whenever he feels like it - WITHOUT using the IMs - the LONGER it will take before your lovely D10 gets his dad back?

By giving your son a quick fix of his dad, you are PROLONGING his pain.

I'm sorry, but your excuses are WAAAAAY wrong. EVERY single person is telling you so, and all you keep doing is making excuses for not doing the right thing.

What good has your change in plans done, except to allow you to know your H comes around the house, and allow your son and daughter get HOUR-LONG fixes of their dad. When if you would follow Plan B, he would have made a decision by now and he would either be back home or in his own place where the kids could visit like real children.

I'm sorry, T2L, but this is all wrong. Your weakness is hurting your entire family.

You might want to rethink this comment.