I am new here, so please forgive me if I don't get all the abreviations right. I am just looking for any advice from ANYONE on what to do after I have made the biggest mistake of my life.

Here goes:
7/23/98 thru 9/?/07 Married/3 children/great wife/no problems
9/?/07 thru 11/12/07 Met and begin having an EA that developed into PA.
11/13/07 Told my wife about it after pressed and also told her I loved this women and was leaving.
11/14/07 thru 1/20/09 Wavered back and forth repeatedly and at times made commitments to both women at the same time. Each time my wife believed in me and my lies to her and remained committed to me and each time I betrayed her.
1/21/09 Something happened.....Not sure, but I started a blog to me wife and didn't even tell her I was writing in it. I said things that I wasn't able to say to her in person and it was like a dam bursting!!!!! Guilt/remorse/love and just about every other emotion imaginable came rushing out.
2/2/07 Told OW it was over and stopped all contact.
2/5/07 Told my wife about blog and gave address. We talked online for a while at which time she told me that she didn't believe me because she had heard it all before. I couldn't blame her for thinking that way because she was right. She also told me that there is no way I could have continued to do this to her if I truly loved her.
2/6/07 picked up kids for the weekend and left, but had to run back and pick up a couple of things that they forgot. Kids were in car and I told her that I understood if she could never forgive me, but I was going to try. She said "that's great, but you need to fix yourself first" and that she would never let me or anyone else EVER hurt her like this again. She also said that over the past year, she has become a different person and learned how to take care of herself and that she didn't think she would ever get past what I had done to her repeatedly or ever be able to trust or give herself to me completely ever again. At the end she said I think it's best if you just go and I did without arguing or pouting which has always been what I do.

I really believe in my heart that she wants her family intact again, but is just protecting herself because I have hurt her so many times.

2/7.....I dropped off some tea and a scone for her this morning because she had the stomach flu last night and I'm not sure if I'm just trying to convince myself, but I can still see it in her eyes that she wishes everything was ok....Like I said, I'm not sure if that is me just telling myself or if thats what it really is.

I am now so overcome with the magnitude of what I have done that I can barely stand to walk past a mirror.

The Only thing that I know for certain is that I will stop at NOTHING and do ANYTHING to rebuild her trust and love and give her the confidence that she can trust and love me again.

Anything that anybody can suggest or tell me....Good or bad I would welcome with open arms.

Thank-You in advance to anyone that posts.

U:

Plan A her.
Buy "Surviving an Affair" from this website and READ IT.
Be trustworthy for the first time in 5 years. (YES, 5 YEARS! The A may have started 3 years ago, but your untruthfulness started before that.)

Write down everything that happened in your affair.
Times, dates, what happened, what you said, what you did, what she said, and what she did.
Then offer that to your BS. Answer any other questions that she might have.

You have pulled her chain for 3 years. Don't expect HER To agree with you in 3 days because YOU have seen the light.

Show her the light.

Give her a reason to say yes to you.

LG

I might have put my dates in wrong..Last July 12 was our 10 year wedding anniversary and this A has gone on for 16 months.

I just talked to her online again and she is so hurt. Keeps saying that the man that loves her could never do that and she isn't willing to open herself up to that again. I can't blame her.

I told her I wanted to be 100% accountable with everything including phone/email/everything....Her response was I don't want to be with someone that I feel I need to check.

I know she is hurt and don't expect the world since I have seen the light as you call it, but I also am so afraid to say the wrong thing or push her to much.

It's all NO NO NO from her right now and I just don't want to do say or do the wrong thing and push her even farther away than I already have.

why do we have to play this game with our husbands before they realize what they want. I have been separated for 7 months and have no contact with my spouse in 2 weeks. he called left a message that he needed something and I have not returned the call. I want him back, but he has to want to come back.

Quit trying to 'tell' her you are different and just massively 'show' her.

There will be NO open arm forgiveness, nor should there be. There will be constant and unmanagable distrust, far longer given the repeated behaviour and betrayal.

I am not sure when your epiphany came about... 2009 or 2007, but if just a couple days ago, be prepared for your entire mind to completely change in a couple more days. You might see this as nothing more than a momentary 'guilt' phase, so just be prepared for you to doubt what you are feeling right this moment.

I hate to say this, but I have little faith that you can overcome your history within yourself, so easily. Dam Bursts have a way of getting clogged up quite easily when the pain really begins. You aren't there yet... not by a long shot. So be prepared for your reaction. If you truly want to change, you will have to continually remove the trash from the hole in the dam... and keep it cleaned out.

It started January 20, but I have bounced back and forth for a year, each time shattering what little self esteem she had and further destroying any confidence or remaining trust she had in me.
This is not a guilt epiphany this time, it is a Oh My God what did I do the the person I love the most on this planet epiphany.

The next thought is I HAVE TO FIX THIS!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it's not that easy, but god where do I start and how do I even get her to consider it after everything I have done and how badly I have betrayed her trust/confidence. She vowed to honor and cherish until death do us part....She held up her end and I didn't.

How can I possibly show her when she has told me that she just won't take that chance....

I am afraid I might have simply done to much damage!!!! I really hope not...She is an amazing forgiving women as she had proven time and time again, but everyone has their limits and I just hope I can get her to try one more time.

dont give up! if she is listening at all, you have a chance. be forthright and available, emotionally, and physically, spiritually

what can i do to turn my husband around after 7 months, any suggestions?

You can't do anything to turn him around....My wife tried everything. She gave me space, was understanding, much more patient than she should have been and everything else in between.

None of it mattered....The harder she tried, the more lies I told. The more understanding and supportive she was, the less I cared about how badly I was hurting her.

He is the only one that can decide how important you are to him and if he wants to truly do what needs to be done to fix your marriage. I can only tell you to continue to support him to the best of your ability, but if you read my post from earlier, a person can only be hurt so much before they have to look out for there own well being.

Good Luck

Ugo,

You've taken the first step by coming here. There are people here that will help you, but the outcome is out of your control. After what you have inflicted on you BW, it is within her right to choose to D you. You probably aren't going to like a lot of what you are going to hear, but these are consequences of your actions. I hope you brought your hardhat. If you start spouting some poor me CHIT people here will call you on it in a second. Above all though, they want you to succeed in saving your M by changing your mindset that led you to an A. The A is 100% your responsibility. Nothing your BW did or didn't do caused you to have an A. You made a choice to have an A. You could have choosen to work on the M instead. LG has already given you some great advice on where to start. You are going to need an incredibly humble heart in order to repair the damage you have done. Here are a couple of things to get you started.

Acronyms

How To Survive Infidelity - Read all of the articles on this page and watch the Infidelity Video too.

Read Surviving An Affair.

I would also suggest that you spend some time in the Just Found Out forum reading other BSs stories. You really have NOOOOO idea the kind of pain you have inflicted on you BW. Reading other people's pain will help you understand what she is going through. Your actions have more than likely caused symptoms that closely mimic those of PTSD and many people equate the pain of infidelity to that of rape or the lose of a child. To complicate your situation further, you have taken these actions MULTIPLE times.

This is your chance to man up. It will not be easy, but there are many success stories here that prove that it can be done. Are you sure you are up for it this time? Are you willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes? Because that is what you are going to have to do in order to succeed. You are going to have to prove to your BW through consistent selfless actions that you will never inflict this upon her again. And like I said, It might still not be enough. You got a lot of work to do. Get busy!

p.s. You might want to ask a mod to move your thread to "General Questions II" because you will get a lot more responses there.

Want2Stay

Want2stay,

I knew sooner or later someone would relate to my plea in the right manner. I am in NO WAY seeking the oh poor me pity party from anyone....I HAVE NO DEFENSE!!!! I am going to cut/paste a blog I sent her earlier today.
_________________________________________________________________
I committed character suicide when I did this. I knew it was wrong, yet did nothing to prevent it. I could have come home and asked you to come to dinner with me, but I didn't. I could have come to you and said, I don't feel like we even talk about us anymore....Can we? But I didn't.

It is unfair for me to think that you could ever even consider what I'm asking. If you did allow us to re-build our trust and love, we could never effectively move forward without you truly believing that I have fully accepted the true severity of my actions.

My need to fix this stems from my desire to put our world back together, the very world that I single handedly tore apart. It doesn't come from desperation, it doesn't come from guilt, and it doesn't come from a desire to simply make it all ok again. It comes from the fact that I love you. I know that I have done everything in my power and more to prove otherwise, but I know without any doubt and as deep into my soul as I have ever seen that I love you more than the very air that I breathe. I know it will be difficult. I know it would be easier for me to walk away like I have before. Anything would be easier, but I don't want to and can't. The reason I don't want to and can't is because I love you and can't imagine how I could possibly have ever thought I would be happier without you in my life. That reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.

Liz I have spent my whole life doing just enough.....Please just one time, one more most important time. Let me do more than just enough to get by.....Let me show you that all of the times you trusted and believed in me that your were right in doing so. This isn't about winning or getting my way, it's about making things right and showing the most important person to ever come into my life that it was all worth it.
_________________________________________________________________


I have started to attempt to take full responsiblity for everything I have done. If you knew how incredibly supportive, understanding, and patient she was through all the the crap I put her through you would understand what a truly loving, incredible women she is.

She is divorcing me.....PERIOD!!!!!! I don't blame her to be honest. I break down and cry everytime I am in her presence now. I can't look at her without breaking down at just the thought of everything I have forced her to endure while all she was trying to do is hold her family together.

I told her in person this afternoon that I completely understand why she doesn't believe a word I say and is not willing to open herself up to that kind of pain and betrayal from the person who was supposed to honor and cheris her for life. I also told her that I will respect her wishes, but am 100% there for her from this point forward and that I will talk if she wants to talk, give her space if she wants space, and will be 100% accountable to her whether we are together or not. She is the mother of my children and what she thinks of me from this point forward is of the utmost importance.

I am forwarding all cell phone passwords, email accounts, etc. to her. She told me that I didn't have to, but I told her she didn't even have to look and could throw them into the trash if she wanted but I just wanted her to know I am completely open from this point forward.

I'm trying to as relaxed as possible, but I do feel a sense of panic at times. I can't even imagine the thoughts and feelings that she must have gone through.

I have never been more sure of anything in my life....I am not only willing to do what it takes, I want to make sure I do it right in every way. Even if she is not able to get past everything, I still want to show her that the I am worthy of at least her respect. We have 3 children and what she thinks of me as a person is incredibly important. I'm sorry that this has turned into a novel, but I'm going to paste one other blog I posted to her recently.....
_________________________________________________________________

I have said so many things and done exactly the opposite for so long with you.

I made a choice that will FOREVER impact you and I will do anything and everything imaginable to rebuild your trust and love.
If you need space, I'll give you space. No guilt trips, no phone call after phone call, no chasing you around town. None of it....
If you need to talk about it, I'll talk.
If you need to ask me questions....I'll answer ANYTHING and I'll do that until you're satisfied with my answers. From this point forward, I want to Answer ALL of your questions -completely, patiently, and without judgment....until you don't have any more questions and it doesn't matter long it takes.
I will not be impatient or distant about any question that you may have for me.
I'm sure, you never thought this would happen to you and understand that your reality has been forever changed and after what you said last night I realized that the reality of it all might be the worst part. That alone again just about knocked me over and I cried all night and wasn't even able to sleep.
I also realize from some of the most intense feelings that I have ever felt and have learned from reading about all of this lately that I'm going to be ready before you are. I just want you to know that I will always be waiting for you with encouragement, understanding, tenderness and most importantly--My heart. You taught me that. This is completely on your time-table.

I understand that there will be really tough times for you concerning what has happened and that almost anything at any time might bring back the pain and resentment of what I have done to you. I just want you to know that the ball is in your court and I will go wherever you need me to go, do whatever you need me to do. I just want you to know that I'll be here.
_________________________________________________________________

Once again I'm sorry for the novel and I don't want anything but the hard honest truth from anyone willing to offer their help.

Want2stay

I forgot to tell you that the links for your story and your wifes story are broken.

Ugottatri,

I just have one suggestion for you. Click on the link for "coaching center" at the top of the page and make an appointment. Then ask your wife to join the appointment with you. If she refuses, keep the appointment anyway.

Yours is a tough case and your W has every right to walk away. But it may be possible for her to give you a period to prove yourself with the help of professionals. And I don't think anybody is better at this than the counselors at MB.

I do believe I have PTSD, I have seen a therapist and I am on medication for aniexty, along with not being able to sleep.

Do you think that he is having a party/or something or is he embassrassed. I wonder if he will ever make amends or even take responsibility for what has happened. He does not listen to anyone who has something to say like: go home. he runs from these types of conversations. Does he have a consious?

Honestly Sunshine---
I can't speak for your husband, but in my case at first it was denial, I flat out didn't want to admit I made a mistake and the newness/excitement clouded my vision.
Then it was strictly having all of my needs met by two different people.....I never properly communicated with my wife about anything, so she never knew what truly made me happy and to some degree neither did I simply because I never talked about what made me happy either. I am just now starting to figure than out and unfortunately it might be to late.
At times, he might feel shame and embarrassment, I know I did and that gets worse everyday as I start to attempt to take full responsability for everything that I have done.
From what you said in your last sentence, if he is anything like I was he is not ready to come home. I did the same thing!!!! Everyone tried to talk to me and in every way shape and form.
They talked gently of family and commitment, they talked sharply about what a great women my wife was and how could I be such an idiot, they talked about how it would change my children FOREVER and that there would be things about it that they would NEVER get over. I didn't listen to one of them and then one day it started to creep in and within 4-5 days I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. From that point forward everything changed!

I really wish the best for you and hope that he does come to his senses and honors the commitment he made to you.

Good luck

Ugo,

I told you that you were going to need a hardhart. I saw the exchange from last night and I have a couple of thoughts for you. Although blunt, Mel and BK's assessment of your words were spot on. You should go back and reread what you were told and imagine that what they said is more than likely exactly what your BW thinks. It was not a personal attack against you, but rather an attempt to get you to see your ACTIONS & CHOICES for what they really are. An attempt to get you to look into the mirror you are so desperately avoiding. That is how you will find the humble heart I spoke of to give you a chance at recovery. So Ugo, what's worse, the words to describe what you did to your BW or the act itself?

Want2Stay

p.s. I fixed the links in my sig.

Ugo, has your wife filed for a legal seperation or for a divorce?

HI, this is my first post to anyone. I found out my husband was having an affair early Jan. We agreed to divorce but when it came down to telling our 8 yr daughter she was devastated and he asked if he broke it off would he and I be ok. I agreed for him to stay but now I'm dealing with all his withdraw, depression and distance. I don't know what do do anymore. I've been patient, haven't asked him about he affair. I feel like if the answear is not going to be help heal I don't want to know. It's been 3 weeks since he's had contact with her but I don't know that I can trust that. According to phone records he hasn't. Just two day's ago he told me again about not wanting to save our M. So it is really starting to piss me off that he wants to put our daughter thru yet another "getting a divorce" speech. I'm not sure how much fight I have left in me for this. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Fortheloveofmychild

Want2Stay

You're right it is how she feels...I talked with her again today.
She is always calm, but sure of herself in the fact that I did this to her repeatedly and someone that truly loved her would never do that.

She told me that she knows she can trust herself and that she deserves so much more than someone that would be willing to do this to her. I agree with everything that she says. The mere thought of everything that has happened, literally shrinks me to a puddle of tears. It hurts me so much knowing the pain and anguish I caused her that I can't be in her presence without crying. I said to her today that I would not try to get in contact w/her tonight and broke down again. I just couldn't even begin to imagine how much it must have hurt all those nights after I had left her in our home with our children alone while I was with the OW and all she wanted was for me to come home and to love her....I told her that and she simply said "yeah and when you did talk to me, you were a total a**hole....She was right.

I have told her that I will give her space if she needs it and she said "you didn't give me any choice". I have been blogging to her since Jan. 21, but only gave her the link 3 days ago. I'm trying, but in my typical fashion I have tried to talk to her everyday about it since I gave her the link to the blog.

She made the comment that "it's only been 3 days and you're trying to ram it down my throat"...I know she is right and am going to stop, but I thought at least she sees that I'm making an effort. I told her whether we were together or not, I was going to stay my course on this...period...and would not betray her again...I know she doesn't believe me and has ever right in the world to think that way after everthing...I just feel like I have to put it COMPLETELY in her hands and just be there if she wants to talk/ask question/vent, or anything else.

I said this earlier, I know that I am doing the right things on a personal level for myself as far as counseling (I have already scheduled my appointment), but I just want to make sure I do EVERYTHING as close to perfect as far as she is concerned.
She is not willing to even consider working on this with me at this time. She will talk with me about it, but in no way shape or form does she believe anything I say, or even consider working on us. It's only been two weeks since I started blogging to her about all of this and one week since I broke it off with the OW and I'm sure she thinks as soon as she tells me that she doesn't believe a word I say that I will run back to her. I haven't and won't....Period!!!! I want her to see every single time that it even crosses her mind that I am doing everything that I can to prove myself to be a trustworthy decent person that is worthy of her trust and that I'm doing it 150% at all times...But is there a fine line between doing it right and trying to hard?

I treated her so badly and basically ignored her when I felt like it and gave her attention when I felt like it for over a year. I forced her to do things on her own, take care of OUR children on her own, go to bed alone....and I think the part that kills me the most is that I forced her to do it thinking that her husband left her because he loved somebody else more than her.....God, I actually told her that!!!! I also told her I love you as the mother of my children and I love you, but I'm not in love with you!!!!!!!..Did I really think that at the time? Did I really love the OW that much? Did I want to spend the rest of my life with her? The anwer to all of them is NO...I did have strong feelings initially for her, but they wained quickly and it became a roller/coaster relationship in which I tried to end several times, but somehow kept going back even though I knew I didn't want to be there...It was dysfunctional from the beginning and I wasn't happy emotionally from the start...We played alot, but there was never anything real about our relationship.

When I think about everything and the fact that I actually was with someone else....I think about it all now and honestly don't know WHY I said those things. It's unbearable and I actually don't see how she could ever forgive me, trust me, confide in me, or anything ever again.

I write everything down in here and my blogs to her and I always make sure to read it again as a whole once I'm finished. Sometimes I feel faint reading and thinking about what I have done to such a truly wonderful person....She really does deserve better and all I want to is try to get back to a place where I can give that to her, but as I read even this and the few things (there are even worse) I have done to her it just may not be possible.

I'm sorry I have another novel going and am not even sure if I answered a couple of the questions you asked.
I was not upset last night, I just thought she was very strong to be able to write that poem and it was very painful for me to read. It hurt because I actually did those things and it repulsed me to the point of physical pain...and it did make me cry. I am 100% at fault for this disaster that I forced on 4 very very innocent people....I felt very bad after the whole thing.

I not only have a humble heart. I am humbled to the point that I don't even feel like the person I've known for 40 years....

I honestly HATE that person!!!!!!

I hate the fact that I willingly did this to not only the most wonderful women I have ever known, but someone I swore to honor and cherish. IF there is anyone on the planet who deserved to be honored and cherished, it is her. I not only betrayed her trust and confidence....I betrayed my wife, my best friend, my soulmate!!! She really deserved for me to keep that promise.

I just don't know how...I don't know why....Selfish, mean, unfaithful, untrustworthy, all of the above. I read this and realize yes....I am a pig to have done this and I once again experience a new level or regret and sorrow that I deserve.

She also had to go through all those things as I was nowhere to be found....Asking me why I couldn't love her like I loved the OW, wondering why I was treating her so badly, lieing to her, betraying her over and over. So many questions I forced her to figure out and answer on her own....And now that she has answered so many questions on her own that I would never answer....What does she need me for!!!

I'm sorry Want2Stay, I just added another chapter.

I'll answer your last question and try to keep it as short as possible. I honestly can't even think about what I did without completely breaking down and crying.Like I said, I have cried more times and in front of more people in the last 2 weeks than I have ever cried cumulatively in my life. If I talk to anyone about this and it doesn't matter who there are, I cry! I just can't believe I could have possibly done this to her...I REALLY CAN'T....The words only make it all the more real.

Thanks for your ear and helpul insights, I will take any critisism or suggestions with an open heart and willingness to try or do ANYTHING that would someday show her that I deserve her trust and respect.

Thank-You

tst

She filed for divorce in early 2008 after I had lied to her again about breaking it off with the OW. She did not actively pursued getting it done because she continued to believe in me.
She told me yesterday that her attorney is almost done with a settlement offer.

I have no one to blame but myself!!!!!