I have been writing poetry and essays in order to deal with
my feelings about WH's relationship with his co-worker. This poem is written about their first contact.

Is there anyone else out there who writes about this issue and would like to share their pieces?



Did You Whisper?

When you told her “I’ll miss you” did you whisper?
Did your eyes tear up, showing her your sadness?
Did her eyes tear up telling you her feelings?
How did you cross that divide that had separated you
from her for so long?
Did you reach across the small work table toward her
with your hands?
Did you lean towards her?
Did she reach toward you?
How did you know that this was the time?
Did she incline her head so that you knew
to come a little closer?
Did your eyes meet as you started to move toward her?
And then?

How did your lips respond when they felt hers for the first time?
Did they quiver, soften, dissolve?
Did they notice the newness of another mouth?
Were her lips soft and smooth?
Did your lips hold hers for a moment
before she sought you out with her tongue?
Was there a sound when your lips first met?
Was it like the sound of tasting something nice like chocolate?
Or the kissing sound of smacking as lips meet?
What did you taste when you tasted her?
Was she sweet, like mints or strawberries?
Did she taste like someone else? Did she taste like me?

How did you feel when you realized
that she was touching you with her tongue?
Did your mouth open slightly? Did your tongue seek hers out?
Was her tongue rounded and smooth?


Was it strong and forceful?
Was your tongue curious to explore someone new?

How did your body respond when you tasted her?
Did you get flushed with surprise?
Did you feel warmth in your groin?
Did you start to sweat a little?
And her? Could you feel heat emanating from her body?
Did she have a thin line of perspiration on her upper lip?
Could you feel that against your mouth?
Was her clothing smooth and soft,
now a bit damp from the moment?
What was she wearing? Where were you touching her?

How did you breathe when you first felt her lips on yours?
Did you breathe in fast as if you needed air?
Did you breathe in slowly to savor the feeling?
Did you stop breathing for a moment?
And what did you smell when you first kissed her?
Could you sense her perfume? Her personal aroma?
An aroma born of a long, emotional day?

When your lips left hers, did your foreheads fall together?
Did you laugh nervously?
Did you gaze at one another?
Did your hand linger on her hand? On her waist?
Did you say some small word?
And when the next time came to kiss her
what did you say to her?
Did you whisper?

Sounds to me like the romanticization of a good waller in the pig pen. Why are you romanticizing 2 pigs rutting in the pig pen!??

I have a more appropriate poem:

Callin the Hawgs - click here

Sooooooooooooooooooo-ey! Sooooooooooooooooooo-ey! Sooooooooooooooooooo-ey!

snort, snort, snort, snort!! grunt, grunt, grunt....

25, how does it "help" you to write romantic poems about filthy behavior? Do you think that adultery is "romantic?"

25 -

To answer your question, YES, writing helps me a lot. It always has. I don't like notes because they can become a cop-out, but for years if I was upset w/STBXH about something or even another family member I'd write them a note so that I could go back & read it later, in preparation for the discussion I'd plan to have with them.

Last year, during our 10-month separation, I went thru so many notebooks and notepads and journals and scratch paper it isn't even funny! Sometimes writing was all I could do to keep my mind quiet - whether I was at work, in the car, in bed, I always had a pen & paper nearby. I'm glad for it because even now I can look back at what I wrote. It tells where I was. It helps keep me going.

Does this poem you wrote really help you? Or is it self-punishment? Do you hope to punish your WH? To each their own, I just hope it really is helpful to you and not the opposite.

Writing helps me sometimes, but to have fantasies about how they started would only upset me.

Why make a romantic poem about their disgusting behavior.

If it was writing about cheating, lying, deceiving, how WS dumped their family...

Here is my poem...

You can put a white dress on her;
but she still is a pig...

Beautiful writing on your part but horrible subject. Don't make something so ugly and turn it into a fairy tale

Melody, loved it....maybe it should be sent out to all OP.



Music to our ears.

OINK!

This is too hard to read, much less write. It so well-written that it turns my stomach. Pick a different topic, a different viewpoint, a different genre. Write a journal, write a story, write anything else. Why aren't you mad, fighting mad?

AM

I like the pig noises, have used those sound fx before, but what
I was really talking about in my writing is trying to relate to the real humanity in the first contact between two people who have an extramarital affair.

My reading of SAA says that any of us, given the right set of circumstances, will go outside our marriages to get our emotional needs met. I wrote that poem as a response to my hubby's request to "write down your questions" as we discussed a polygraph for him. What I learned from writing that piece was that I really wanted to be a part of the situation with them- of course that's the problem, it wasn't my experience- it was theirs alone and there is the pain of it.

My attempt to identify with the experience was a recognition of that fact. It was also an acknowledgement of the reality that people are drawn to the tenderness of moments- moments that later devastate those who love them.

The tenderness seems innocent to them at the time. I think it is only later when all the pain to the betrayed spouse is made clear, that the moment is revealed to them for what it really is. But I don't think that process makes them pigs. I think it makes them fallible humans who don't have the information they need to create and maintain good marriages.

Another piece I wrote reflected my more painful feelings:




So What Happened to My Life?


So what happened to my life?

He had an affair – or did he?

He had an extra marital infatuation with a co-worker, it that better?

Is that why every day seems like an ordeal?

Is it because he wanted her that I feel like I can hardly function?

Is it because they laughed and shared all those moments at work together?

Is it because he kissed her? Or she kissed him?

Is it because he somehow forgot about all that and he never told me?

Is it because he thought I should be happy for him to have a friend like her?

Is it because he was worried that she would be upset when she knew I’d talked to her husband?

Is it because her feelings seemed more important than mine?

Is it because she emailed him everyday and I never really knew about that?

Is it because he says that communicating with her everyday, every week or every two weeks is not much communication?

Is it because he keeps comparing her to his long term best friend when talking about her?

Is it because he called her a beautiful woman?

Is it because he worried about leaving work with her because he knew “it wouldn’t be wise?”

Is it because he didn’t tell me how things were going at work because he knew I’d want him to quit if I knew, and he loved his job?

Is it because he kissed her that second time even after he had come home to be with me after that first time?

Is it because she texted him often to tell him about personal things?

Is it because he implied that I was nuts to be jealous, and then he acted like he didn’t know I was jealous?

Is it because she meant so much to him that he was willing to hurt me like this just to get closer to her?

Is it because I don’t know what to say or think about it?

Is it because I can’t stand not knowing, for certain, what he did with her, how he felt with her?

Is it because he doesn’t seem to think that honesty is very important in our relationship?

Is it because I don’t trust him anymore?

Is it because I can’t figure out what happened to my life?

Is that why I can hardly function?

Mad doesn't help.

I don't know what does, but from my reading of SAA, I am meant to move on and begin again trying to learn how to better fill his emotional needs and let him fill mine, no?

25, what you describe is not reality, though. The "experience" is an illusion. It emanates from a FOG. It is like the falling down drunk who, in his drunken state, picks up the ugliest bar wh*re thinking she looks so beautiful and lovely. Only to wake up the next morning and realize she is ugly and putrid and rotten.

So, if you are trying to identify with it, you have to also identify with the REALITY, not the illusion. The reality is that it is filth. It is dirty, degrading, and putrid, NOT pretty and beautiful. It is the filthy wh*re in the bar who has not bathed in a week and stinks to high heaven.

Identifying with the ILLUSION does not help your husband. He needs for you to be the clear headed in his fog.

I will just state again, that what you describe is about as romantic as 2 pigs getting it on in the pig pen. Filthy, putrid and offensive. [my apologies to pigs for the insulting comparison]

Interestingly, after I wrote that first poem, he told me that their interaction was nothing like that- my vision of their kissing was lots worse than the reality.

I do know that there is humanity in the experiences of people who make these kind of damaging choices. They are motivated by their emotional needs and circumstances that draw them into infidelity.

It is wrong, but it is human to err.

I think that MB emphasis on creating loving relationships out of pain is challenging. It is particularly challenging to the betrayed spouse, from my reading of SAA. I am trying to learn how to better meet the needs of my husband of 25 years.


I am trying to move on and create a marriage worth the next 25 years if we have what it takes to care for one another that way after this painful experience.

I hope that we do.

25, do you understand that adultery is as traumatic as rape or the death of the child? part of grieving is anger and sorrow. Yet what you have written here is tantamount to glorifying RAPE.

It is very sickening.

It is one thing to try and recover, it is quite another to romanticize something as filthy and putrid as rape. It is offensive and inappropriate, IMO.

It is wrong to rape. It is wrong to kill. It is wrong to molest little girls. But they are humans.

But does that mean we should glorify and romanticize rape and pedophilia?

What WERE you thinking by showing him that? Are you trying to trigger him with sickening romantic poems about his adultery? How do you think that helps, 25?

Are you interested at all in recovery?

Where are you coming from with your question?

I don't understand your question. Can you be more precise?

25 years.

I am a cheating husband dealing with the guilt, regret, and remorse of my actions.

I sat and cried as I read your poem and I'm sure many other men in situations similar to mine will do the same as they read it.

Line after line I felt as if someone were sticking needles into my side. Those things do happen that you spoke about, but they aren't real. Fantasies that we think are real as they are happening as we get caught up in the excitement and newness that we mistake for something real. I'm not condoning mine or any other "PIGS" (we will get to that in a minute) actions, there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for seeking ANYTHING other than friendship outside of your marriage. I am very touched by your words and amazed at the strength you exhibited by simply being able to put feelings that strong and personal onto paper.

Now to all haters....Who are you to judge anyone without knowing ANYTHING about hers or anyone other than your own situation. I have read hundreds of threads since finding this site while trying to come to grips and make some sense of the hurt and devastation that I have caused with my irresponsible and heartless act. My wife will never be the same and I did it all without her being able to do one thing about it. I have posted and received honest straightforward responses, but not once in any of the posts I have read or received have any been derogatory or bitter. I'm pretty sure the intention of the moderators of this site is to give people a place to not only figure out WHY, but also to heal. I think before any of you say any other mean hurtful things about someone you have never met that maybe you should concentrate on why you came here and maybe heal a little first before being judge/jury/executioner.

25 years.....Even though you may not think so right now, you're obviously a very strong person and are getting stronger everday learning things about yourself that you never knew.

My wife told me today that through all of this, she has learned to take care of herself and is not the same person. That hurt me just like just about everything she tells me does these days as I begin to realize how deeply this truly has affected her. I'm not a pig and neither are many of the men or women for that matter that make this BIGGEST MISTAKE!!!!!

Please, whatever you do don't let a few bitter people slow down your progress and growth.

Best of Luck

The poem is sickening.