Look in the book, SAA. I believe it's page 58 for Dr. H's NC letter suggestion.

Oh, let's see what i remember from doing this in September..

-- our relationship has been selfish on my part and a cruel indulgence.

-- Chrysalis and I have a new relationship of total honesty and she will immediately know if you attempt to contact me in any way.

-- I will always love you, and the cruel fates that separate us now will only delay our eternity of happiness in the afterli...

wait, strike the last one.

Jennifer suggested we both go to the post box and WW drop it in as I watched. Stupidly, I trusted her to mail it, and I would bet it never went.

Chewer, I know that you had and are still having an affair with this hag. I also know you had and are still having a PHYSICAL affair with her. You LOVE your other woman lover.

Now look again at what I wrote when your wife found out you had sent pictures of the daugher to your other hag:

I will now attempt to answer these questions now that we know most of the truth.

[i][i]And I would like to know FROM YOU RIGHT NOW how this HAG feels about you at this time:


1. Does the HAG want you back? YES

2. Does this HAG miss you? YES but is still with you.

3. Had the HAG moved on with another man? NO, still with you.

4. Is this HAG waiting for you? YES. she still HAS you.

5. Is the HAG lonely without you? Yes but she still has you.

6. Are you lying to your wife and still talking with the HAG? YES!

7. Does the HAG want to see how you are doing? YES of course! And you tell her.

8. Does this HAG still have feelings for you? YES OF COURSE.!


WE NEED TO KNOW THIS NOW.

NOW WE KNOW WE ARE RIGHT> You are slamming your wife down, lying to your wife, and you do not even care.

Edited by Stellakat (01/25/09 11:15 AM)

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[/i][/i]Member


Registered: 07/01/05
Posts: 4785 Chewie...

This could have been easily avoided if you were following Dr. Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement. Are you familiar with this?

Originally Posted By: Dr. Harley
The Policy of Joint Agreement

It's a good post, but you might want to emphasize the word "hag" in there a bit...



chewie, here is Dr. Harley on the NC letters:

============================


I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.
===============================

Hi Chewie.
I have finshed milking cows for the moment and playing in my tractor Flick is out on the lake with a couple of guys from church. I imagine they are currently terrorising the fish.

With regards to the NC letter, Flick copied out the one in SAA word for word in his own handwriting, addressed the envelope in his handwriting and then gave it to me. I posted it 2 mins later.

It isnt the most creative way of doing this, but it is exactly the letter the Dr recommends, and there was no quibbling over words used.

Well, folks, it is 5 minutes to 3:00 here in California.

I will be praying for this couple.

Me too.

Chewie, this is the NC letter from SAA.

I know that it is of the utmost importance to send a NC letter, but I think the time being spent here discussing the specific wording is misplaced. Dr Harley provides a template for the letter in SAA and on this web site. His suggested letter is surely adequate in this case.

Chewie, you have gone through the process of sending an NC letter before, and you have followed many actions that appeared to make your daily activities transparent and protective of Chrys and your marriage (such as giving her access to your email account and pager, and not going out without her or one of your children). You spent some time on this thread preparing a list of EPs, and had you not confessed just before the polygraph, you would have agreed a list of EPs with Chrys and given the impression of yet more safeguarding of her and your marriage. Yet, the affair would have continued had you wanted it to, as you have wanted it to so far. None of your existing precautions or the previous NC letter have meant anything because you you wanted your affair and your marriage.

Chrys did not want to be in a marriage where her husband was involved with another woman, and yet you kept her in that position because you cared more about your own pleasure than her feelings and rights.

People here have given a lot of their time to talk to you and help your marriage. They have questioned your honesty and motivations because they knew that your story did not add up, and they wanted you and Chrys to recover your marriage. You have sneered at them and been sarcastic in your answers, and you have left some of their questions unanswered.

It is clear that you came to this forum because Chrys made your doing so a condition of the marriage, and that, as with your previous NC letter and your existing EPs, you have gone through the motions while resenting that you should have to do so, and you have meant very little of what you have said. You probably do care for Chrys, and you want your marriage, otherwise you would have left by now, but you care about your affair more than you do Chrys.

You appear to feel that you do not have to answer to strangers on a forum. You also appear to feel that you do not have to answer to your wife, since you have not told her any truth since at least October 2007, when contact resumed.

You are entitled to want what you want, and you certainly do not have to accept criticism from strangers here about how you live your life. However, you do not have the right to make your wife accept a lifestyle that she does not want because you decide that she will, based on your lies.

What have you been telling your AP for these 5 years? Do you make her think that you are trapped in a marriage that you do not want to be in? Do you tell her how you long to be with her but cannot? Do you tell her that without her in your life, you would be deeply unhappy?

Whatever you tell her, report your words to Chrys, and see whether she wants you in her life while you have strong feelings for another woman. Don't manipulate her into staying with you under false pretences; she is not a pet to be kept on your lead. If you cannot be married in the way Chrys wants you to be, then tell her what you DO want and see whether that is acceptable to her. But don't lie and manipulate her. Doing that is immoral.

You're still not being completely honest.



It makes no sense for her to believe anything you say.


Because?? Why did you hang on? THIS is exactly where your new-found honesty drops off ....
You are very dishonest about your feelings for OW and your lack of feelings for your wife.


You're welcome.

Absolutely EXCELLENT post Sugar. Everything right on the money.

I agree with you Pep that Chewie has not been completely honest here yet. I suspect that by now the polygraph has settled the issue though.

My heart is really hurting for Chrys. I actually wish I could find a way to feel a little kinder towards Chewie for HER, but....it's just not there.

WHard,

I was referring obliquely to your posts when I wrote about the time and care that people have shown Chewie. Your posts in particular have been full of kindness and concern for this stranger. I wonder whether Chewie felt any twinges of conscience when he replied to good-hearted posters like you with the indifference that he showed about their concern.

You fessed up because of the impending polygraph.

You still have a woe is me attitude. I see no sense of urgency or leadership regarding the next steps to take.

You were in contact with OW all along. You state that it re-started in Oct of '07 when Chrys thought it ended in Aug of '07. These dates mean contact never really ended.

You have a child with autism?

Affairs are hard on families and children.

Children with autism rely on adults for their continued progress and development. You have disabled Chrys for years with this crap. What is your plan for your child? How is this child being attended to during this time?

You better get assertive. I am feeling angry at your passivity regarding the devestation you cause. You are a competent adult. Start acting like one.

Flag. Unnecessary roughness. Let's let them get through today.

Sugar,

You warm my heart. Thank you for your kind words.


I truly doubt it. If he could have no conscience where his wife and children were concerned, I DOUBT that he could feel it for a total stranger, especially one in cyberland, without a face.

Sigh. I am praying(really and truly)that we will hear back that he has now passed the polygraph. What a mess he has made.

Bless you also Sugar.

TJ:And even though I haven't posted to her lately, I am keeping up with Tully's thread. Spent a little time crying for her and those precious daughters yesterday.:TJ over

Chewie. I am a victim of an emotional affair. It just bugs the crap out of me when anyone on this board says "JUST an EA".
THAT woman had attention I did not receive, she had his affection, while involved, he treated me like gum stuck to his shoe. I was thrown into a competion that #1 I did not know I was in, and #2 I would have never wanted to be in.

Chewie, I worked the medical profession for over 20 yrs. If you think you were not the laughing stock for even one minute, you are sadly mistaken! Oh, fer sakes, we all knew who was doing who and someone knew when and where. People who think workplace affairs can't be detected are "maroons" ! She could do whatever, the Doc will take care of her......on & on. You ACTUALLY think that this "etheareal beauty" could keep her mouth shut? NADA a chance in HE##. She bragged to someone that she was about to snag a Doc's paycheck, and trust me, that's about all she wanted.

I leave you with 2 quotes, one pertaining to you and one to her.
To you, "he's so smart he's stupid, got no common sense"..
My Dad.
To her "Beauty fades, dumb is foreva" Judge Judy.

Get some common sense. GF

Walk a day in our shoes. I doubt you spend sleepless nights graphically picturing them texting each other.

BTW, I will feed you my new mantra. I don't think guys have extended "EAs" that effect them for years after, gambling their marriage, contact, etc.

Like most guys, my number one EN is SF, not Conversation or Admiration or whatever. I have drinking buddies. You have to clean my pipes to earn my love :-) He!1, most guys wouldn't wait a 4th date for sex. A grown man mooning around for years about some platonic relationship?

Don't mean to be cruel, but I'd like to poly every MB guy mourning an "EA". I think it is probably bull.

Well, I called out Chewie on that theory. I guess if he passes my theory is shot.

Even as you go through the motions of drafting a NC letter you display insincerity about what you are doing and a "do I care? Do I ..." attitude about what posters here think.

"If you continue to feel it is "lame", make more suggestions and I'll put them down. No skin off my nose - I can do this all day".

Chewie, if you don't want to send a NC letter, don't send one! Don't write what people here tell you to write! Your first letter did not appear to be be grounded in remorse for what you have been doing for the past 5 years; don't write a remorseful one that we dictate. If you feel no remorse, and do not intend to stop your affair, don't send the letter and convince Chrys that you meant it. If you do, Chrys will be back in this nightmare in a few months or a year. Don't do that to her.

Chewie,

From one WS to another......your initial post is very mechanical and unfeeling. If I can spot it, that's pretty bad.

I suspect that the poly will do nothing to predict FUTURE TRUTHFULNESS ... and as soon as he thinks he can get away with it .... the A is back on!