Hello all

I have been on this site since December. Previous to that I was on the DB site since August.

I know the title of this site is "Marriage Builders" but that's not what always happens!
Recovery for a betrayed spouse can mean only 2 things.
1. Marital recovery
2. Personal recovery

I have done a lot of reading....sometimes till my eyes can't focus anymore!
One common theme I seem to notice is that WH USUALLY come back to their families after plan A/B.

WW....different story it seems.

My own parents divorced when I was 6......infidelity was the reason but my mom did not know rite away....and had no resources like are available today. My mom has shared with me some of my dads "fog talk".....time has not changed the language!

My dad pretty much walked away....EOW....certain holidays...etc.

I do see a lot of BH with custody of their kids or even 50/50.
I was hoping those dads could help us current dads by putting all their info in 1 thread and maybe even getting a mod to sticky it for us?!

I personally do not post on a PC so copy/pasting info for me is out of the question

That's all I can think up for now...this has been on my mind for a few days.

I will gladly share my saga so far instead of having people read thru 50+ pages of stuff to get what they need.

Maybe a Do's and Dont's part....

We can try to share info from different states in relation to adultery/custody/divorce.

Lemme know what you all think.

Some of my journal entries


2-7-2009

W left for work at approx 8:15am.

D9 and her friend woke up about the same time. D12 was awake at
9:30am.
We were supposed to be at soccer sign ups at 10am but we were all
moving slowly.
We left for soccer sign ups at 10:45am. D9s friend said she wanted to playthis season so D9s friends mom signed her up as well. She will be on D9s team so I will be her coach.
After soccer sign ups we went to lunch. After lunch I took the
girls to target to get Valentines cards for their mom and also for their friends.

We got home about 1:15pm. W called at 1:45pm and said she was going to the gym.

I spent about an hour cleaning out the garage. I had D9 take a
shower during this time. After this D9 and I watched Madagascar 2.

W got home from the gym at 3:45pm.

W showered and left at 6pm. She did not tell me where she was going.

We dropped D12 off to meet her friends at the movies at 7pm. D9 and I went to the video store to get her a movie.

I tucked D9 in bed at 11pm.
When I went to bed at 12:30am W was not home.

When I woke at 5am to go to the bathroom Ws car was in the driveway.


This is 1 example of my daily journal. I email them to myself at the end of everyday so I have a time\date stamp.


Next post.....Teacher emails


Sent from my iPhone

I sent this email to both my daughters teachers. D9s teacher and I have been communicating about her homework and general attitude in class since this mail. D12s school is different...they have "team leaders" who are incharge of the individual subject teachers.

This was 1-9-09

Hello! This is Mr Carp, D9s dad. I wanted to let you know that
our family is currently going thru a seperation/divorce. I am
currently trying to keep things as normal as possible at home in regards to school, homework, a regular schedule etc. I would
appreciate it if you notice anything out of the ordinary as far as her grades/actions to please let me know so I can address it at home. I will not let her know if you tell me about these things (if that is what you prefer). I ask both girls everyday when they get home "how was your day today?" and if something happens in school D9 usually tells me...she's my softy!!

Thx in advance
Mr Carp

Next I will post an example of my daily email to WW and her reply.

Everyday I would send my wife this kind of mail. Including time I was gonna be home and the menu\time we would be eating. Her replies would include if she wasnt going to be eating with us or what time she would be home.

Kinda boring.....but necessary I think


Gonna make Salisbury steak and mashed potatos and some veggie for
dinner.

I am leaving Anywhereville now and heading back to the shop.

Lemme know what you think when you get back from picking up D9 from school.

Next up....some emails I send my kids counseler.

This is one of the first emails I sent to my kids counseler. I make sure I never say anything along the lines of "me me me' or "I am the best parent" things like that.


> Hi C. This is Carp, D12s and D9s dad.
> I wanted to share some things with you that have been bothering me in
> regards to some things WW has been telling the girls.
>
> I have heard her tell the kids that "I don't have to tell your dad
> anything I do! I can go where I want and be with who I want. I am not
> married to him anymore....only on paper". I have not addressed this
> with her or them.
>
> She has been asking the girls to keep things "secret from dad". Of
> course D9 spills the beans...not because I ask....that's just how
> she is. I tried telling her that secrets are wrong in a family...the
> stuff she was asking them to keep secret was silly anyway...they were
> going swimming at the health club.
>
> I have been in email contact with the girls teachers letting them know
> what is going on at home.
> I will forward these emails to you.
>
> Can you touch on any of these subjects with the girls? I feel like
> WW is trying to alienate them from me....and it hurts.
>
> Please let me know you got this email.
>
>
> Thanks in advance
>
>


This is all I have right now. I hope this info helps someobody.

Just pushing this up to page 1 for those of you that aren't around on the weekends.

What is your status? Are you guys still living together?

If you want an advantage, then you should file first. If you live in a fault state, you should file on grounds of adultery and get the proof you need for it.

Continue to document as you have been. Hire a PI if you can afford it and use his/her evidence to get proof of an affair.

Get a kid's attorney. He/She will represent your daughters interests.

Get a book about Father's Rights.

Be prepared to deal with a mom-biased system, but father's can win if they play their cards right.

Take advantage of her sense of entitlement. Let her put her guard down to give you the kids more and as often as possible and this will also help your case.

Be the one who focuses on them. Let her be the one that shows that other stuff is more important than taking care of her daughters.

Provide the counselors with your concerns, but don't get pushy about the concerns or it will appear you're trying to manipulate the situation and turn them against you.

Your daughters are old enough to be able to express themselves well with counselors, so let them do the talking and you simply lay back and not get overly involved.

Stay involved as a dad in their activities.

Don't overreact to accusations made by your wife.

Long email exchanges with her can come back to haunt you in court. Avoid sending her anything if at all possible.

If you are going to divorce, then go quiet completely and only communicate with her via email and only about logistical stuff. Don't take her phone calls unless it's an emergency and someone is about to die.

That's the greatest advice I got from a parenting coordinator. It's very liberating.

Be calm and be yourself. Lawyers will try to trip you up in court and get you to flub up under testimony. Own up to your flaws. No one is perfect.

That's about all I can think of for now.

Pom

We currently reside together still. Me in the master suite. Her in the guest room.

My first temp custody court date was feb 4. Follow up is march 9. Temp custody is being sought by me.

Your advice is great!! I am trying to use this thread for other betrayed dads as well. The legal system is skewed towards women....but in recent years the playing field is back close to 50/50. I read an intersting statistic recently. In Illinois fathers win 60% of the custody cases when they fight!! 90% of cases overall go to the moms because the dads usually just walk away.

Keep yer chins up men!

I'm very convinced that the system is much more fair now and that a smart father who chooses to fight for time and custody and does so in a smart manner will walk away with shared physical at a minimum, and with custody if at all possible.

Good on you for being proactive. What are your weaknesses that she can try to use against you?

This is the thing I learned:

Judges don't expect you to be perfect. They are able to look through the smears and mudslinging to see it for what it is and they focus on the real meat and potatoes.

I think they want to see which parent is flexible.

Do you live in a fault state? Can't you have her leave the house?

Are you able to record your conversations with you? You can find out if you can by doing a google search for "two party states". If you're in a one party state, then you're golden.

If you can record her in all her glory, then take advantage of that.

Save all cell phone messages if you can if they are rants by her.

Your computer is marital property, which means you can install any software you wish on it, to include a keylogger. This will give you access to her emails and online postings.

Gather your evidence.

Is she contesting you? Does she want custody? How do your girls feel about it all?

Any hope for you to Plan A? B?

Is the divorce rolling along no matter what?

Thx for more of your input/questions!

Weakness....past porn issues...way in the past! We went to counseling for it together...initiated by me!

As far as current weakness....if and when I go out...I don't even drive!! No DUIs for me!

I can't think of any really....

Illinois is a no fault state. HER actions....partying...staying out all night....faults for her! If this temp custody goes thru that will get her out.

I think Illinois is a 1 party state....but my DVR runs 24/7 in the house.

Custody....her first BS papers to me she wanted it all!! She gave me the house...big mistake. Of course she wants the girls....she's an entitled WW!!

I have my own thread....I am in plan A/D rite now if that makes sense.

I have primary custody, but my ExWW attempted suicide. I still had to make the effort, but was awarded without a fight.

My brother has equal joint custody, there's no primary. He documented, filed, and made his case.

I know 2 guys who have 50/50 custody. In both cases, they (a) stayed in the marital home until it was settled and (b) fought. Other than that, these are two regular guys and their WW's, while lyin' cheatin' POS's, did not have any suicide attempts, DUI's or any other criminal charges or anything that would stand out as an obvious sign of an unfit parent.

On the flip side, the OWH in my sitch screwed himself by (a) allowing OW (his WW) to move out with their DD and (b) assuming that she would be reasonable when it came to DD and visitation. OW ended up moving to another city with my WstbxH and has virtually cut him off from his own daughter - something very difficult to change now because the damage has been done.

Every guy I know who left the house and kids behind ended up with weekend custody or worse. In one case, the mother could easily have been deemed unfit but they seriously do not like to change anything that has already been done.

So, while I'm not a BH, I can certainly advise men to both (a) stay in the house and (b) fight for custody.

Excellent post Cajun and Tabby.

This is the kind of info I wanted to be in this thread.

Stay home is #1!! I only spent 3 nights away from home since June. They were all in Phoenix with family!!

# of nights WW came home after 2am just this week....1. Since this all started....lost count!

Even after finding out about my petition for temp custody my WW still acts a fool!!

Keep the good info coming...