Well,
I've made progress to the point that my girlfriend, and a girl I totally want to marry, are going to talk about "What happened" and "what was discussed" between the "friend and I" late at night.

As I said in the earlier post, I would have the same fear she has about ME and the now past friend, but my girlfriend and I had a very lengthy set of conversations about this back in November, I thought by her warming up to me and an awesome December (holidays) that we'd crossed the "hurdle" so to speak and came to some finality with what WAS the issues with the friend.

So, I guess in short, what I am asking is for some advice as to how differently to put into words that the friend is gone, and also that there was NEVER any physical activity, verbal activity and otherwise.

So while I totally take the blame for this, and understand my girlfriends issue, I don't no how else to ensure her AND explain to her what DID go on.

So if anyone has any advice for me, I'd so appreciate it. I really want to be with this woman (the girlfriend) and honestly, even though I know we need to get over this hurdle, I DO want this girl for the rest of my life!

Any advice as to what to tell her to ensure her, that despite this coming off as an Emotional Affair to her...there was NEVER an attraction by ME to the friend, nor was there ever any verbal or sexual activity between me and the OLD friend.

My girlfriend says, she can't move on until she has full closure, and hears from me what was going on...and I've FULLY shared everything that was talked about with the friend. I've hid NOTHING from her at all

Help me...advice on words to my girlfriend, what TO do and NOT TO do or say????

She means the absolute WORLD to me

Advice???

By the way, do I dare do anything NICE for Valentine's Day this week, our dating anniversary is also this month...do I dare do anything special for that? or do I just take a step back and take it easy. I am lost and just don't want to lose her

Well here it is Monday Morning. Not sure if I mood is because it IS Monday, or that had two work related calls before 7am, or if I am just worn out by the stress of trying to "right the ship" so to speak.

I woke up this morning and while in the shower, I was thinking, "WHY am I working this hard to prove my innocence?"

YES, as I have mention before, I AM TOTALLY GUILTY of talking to the friend and not telling my girlfriend that we talked. I am guilty as charged, no doubt.

BUT...my thoughts are this. I felt that we had this all discussed back in November, I told her EVERYTHING that I could possibly think. I held NOTHING back in that 2 week long discussion of issues.

SO I was moving on, I thought SHE was moving on as well. We had as I said and AWESOME December and Holiday season TOGETHER and then all the sudden, seriously, all the sudden the week after the holidays, she got quiet on me, we didn't spend much time at all together. NO alone time at all since probably Jan. 10 or so.

Anyway, I find myself feeling sort of defiant or HURT I guess is a better term that SHE (the girlfriend) want's me to put finality on this before SHE can move on.

All I can do is again go over what was talked about, apologize deeply for ME letting it happen and try to ensure her that I in no way was, am or ever will be attracted to this friend, whom by the way I've have very little contact with....I've ONLY had contact with the old friend in the work environment

I just don't know...I feel worn out and just beat down and I just don't know what else to say or HOW else to put it that all I want is for HER (my girlfriend) to trust that I have moved on, and that I am not a cheater.

Maybe my thoughts are just foggy this morning, but I am worn out big time and just not sure that it will work if SHE can't also move on without putting us through this again, when I thought I explained myself clearly in November.

Am I wrong????

I know I'll work on it, but today I just don't have it in me to think about this because I am spent..and it is ONLY MONDAY!

I Love her with ALL of my heart, but I can't think of how else to put this or do this. I feel helpless because it has ALL been discussed before

Advice is so welcome....

You might feel like it was 'dealt with' but SHE sees you as a BOYFRIEND who 'cheated' on her. Whether the degree of interaction you had with the other woman represents 'cheating' on YOUR thougts or not is immaterial. She has to look at you as someone whom she must decide whether to trust again, and whether even MORE importantly is trust WORTHY!

My rhetorical question to you is... why did you talk with the OW and why did you keep it a sectret?

That is what your girlfriend is constantly mulling over in her mind. And she is working through a decision of "Is he WORTH it?" Is he WORTH the chance? I am not married to him. This is what dating is all about... to decide whether a person is compatible with your ways of thinking. Should I just look at this as a learning experience and dump him? Should I chalk this up as a stupid mistake on his part which he will learn from? Is it? Or is it a basis of his character which will haunt our relationship throughout its course?

Personally, my belief is that when in the 'dating' stage there is NO ROOM FOR ERROR like cheating. That says that you weren't interested in her 'enough' to be honest. Believe me, it will only get worse when you would be married.

Rhetorically... you need to judge and address why you didn't tell her and why you did it in the first place. If there is even the slightest HINT that you were 'hiding' it... then you need to figure out WHY?

I guess to fill in some blanks, and thank you by the way Cantfigureitout, but here is some additional thoughts...

In our discussion about this in November, I explained to her that my friend and I discussed everything from work related topics, to people at work and I also asked her about "How can I add more to our dating relationship" more in What do my girlfriend and I do.

Honestly I haven't dated much since my divorce in 2000, which by the way I got help from MB to get through this.

Anyway...IN November I was very honest with my girlfriend. When I moved to the new job and city in June of 07, I befriended this woman and other people...a couple of guys and this lady and another lady. Just purely as FRIENDS.

This friend is VERY HAPPILY Married, but she was there for me regarding advice as to what to do, where to go and all that. She has lived in this city her entire life. I've been here very little. So I honestly sought out advice as to what to do. Sure we talked about life, we talked about her and her family, she has an awesome husband that is (well WAS) a friend because I tossed that friendship aside when this all happened in November.

YES I handled it all wrong, by "hiding" these discussions, I guess the thing that bothers me is that the friends husband knew we talked late...heck half the time he was in on the conversations with she and I. Weird...maybe so, but I guess I just didn't think of it as being a threatening source to my relationship with my girlfriend.

I certainly do NOT blame her for her hesitation, but I just don't have the slightest clue how to "convince her" that there was, never would be or will be a "thing" between the friend and I...I ONLY want my girlfriend and me to find a resolve together and to be able to move forth. Easier said than done.

My bad for being naive in thinking it is "okay" to talk to the friend. I guess it felt safe to ask for advice and have friends...boy was I wrong! I mean I was friends not just with the friend, but also her husband.

Ughhhhhh

DING! Ring any bells in your head?

The husband knew. Girlfriend was kept in the dark. Husband didn't feel threatened, because he was enlightened and involved. Girlfriend feels very much threatened, because you spoke about your relationship with another woman whom you kept SECRET from her.

In your view of yourself in your head, you may not think of yourself as a cheater, but standing on the outside and viewing your behavior, you sure look like one.

What caused your divorce?

I understand your POV for sure.

I see that as well. I am not trying to deny a thing here, I am simply trying to seek advice as to HOW to ensure her that I am being very truthful...despite my lack of consideration back in November.

My marriage by the way ended because my wife cheated on me...alot. I also had another relationship end by physically cheating on me. I caught BOTH my ex-wife and other relationship partner doing that.

Anyway, I completely see WHY she feels like I cheated, I DO, I am not denying her lack of trust nor your comments towards me at all. I am just trying to figure out a way to explain that she IS the girl I want and love

No matter how it looks, I know how I feel inside about her, and I know that even though I agree it looks bad, and I can see WHY she feels I cheated, that I am not a cheater because I KNOW how it feels to be cheated on very much

It would have been MUCH more simple had I just said...yes I talk to her up front, I am good friends with her and her hubby, but I can't take back what did happen...all I can do is try to ensure her that I ONLY want her.

That is the help I am seeking

I think you're probably going to have to go over-the-top with her. This is not resolved for her, and I wonder...do you try to convince her that you didn't cheat? One thing us gals can't wrap our heads around is when a man tries to tell us that WE shouldn't feel like we do, that WE have interpreted his actions wrongly, that HE hasn't done anything wrong. We don't get it because clearly we are upset, and it makes us feel like you're trying to make it OUR fault that we're upset. It's maddening, and leaves things unresolved.

Does she know you were cheated on? Your lack of healthy boundaries after going through that probably doesn't make sense to her, either.

You're here looking for some 'magic words' to make this all go away, aren't you? Sorry, there aren't any. Your words are meaningless. Once you lie to a woman (either outright or by omission), words are useless, empty. You broke her trust. You might not ever get it back. You need action, big action, but writing poetry might help.

Even BAD poetry.

Bonus points for surprising her with it in person and reading it aloud.

In public.

Poetry huh??

I can do that actually.

Anyway, I am in no way trying to convince anyone that this is "different" I understand that in HER mind I cheated and I broke her trust. I really do because I know how I FELT after being lied to so many times and THEN catching them in their own lie!

One thing that a sister of mine told me, and I want to see if YOU agree with this, but she said, back off a little because I sent her a big letter with some poetry and sweet nothings in it, however I didn't write IN the letter anything about the so called Emotional Affair issue with the "friend"

I found out along time ago that yes nice warm fuzzy letters are great, but to try and work out an issues through letters, emails or at times even on the phone just doesn't work. I am a visual person, I need to SEE that person when most anything is discussed, especially something like this, so that is why I am glad WE get to talk sometime this week.

I can't even say that I was looking for "Magic words" either, I was/am seeking advice on how to say it. But I guess, what really needs to happen is AGAIN go all out, say my peace and what DID happen as I did in November and just hope and pray that she can feel my sincerity.

I know I can't "make her" understand. I just wish I could plug a cord in between my heart and her mind so she could see my sincerity. Again. I KNOW I did her and ME wrong...I know that by hiding this that I HAVE created this issue.

I just wish I could "fix it" and maybe with time I can!!