True, Pep. I always forget that telling the truth ONCE has NOTHING to do with what will happen in the future.

And all that Chewie has PROVEN so far is that he knows how to lie. Very well. Well enough that even after YEARS of deception, Chrys THOUGHT that THIS time, he was being honest with her. For a year and a half.

He knew EXACTLY what to say and do to get her to believe him so that he could continue his fantasy. Slimy. What a great deal of effort it has taken to pull the lie off. Or maybe not so much? Maybe it comes naturally? I hope not.

I have forgotten so much. Has Chrys exposed?

Maybe OT, But MIKE!!, No I never spent graphic nights imagining my H "texting his Ho", I knew that he was short with me, and I thought he was missing me. At the time he had just moved a few states over for work. His "Ho", an old HS GF, was only 30 miles from me,and over 6 hrs from him, and she kept the phone lines hot. Once I found the phone records, I discovered she had called him over 300 times in a few months time. He called her 3 times in the same time frame. She was almost indigent with not a good vehicle, so I know she never made that trip..however I did, every time he was off. It took me 2 months to figure out something was amiss, and when I did, it all broke loose. I was an idiot, she was the first call I made, even before I told my H that I knew, of course she denied him. Believe me, if contact had been made I would have known it. So there is such a thing as "long lost lover's" having an EA. So his EN was conversation and ego stroking, while I stayed in our home place and tried to keep the home fires burning. GF

Chewie,

Are you still in contact with the other woman (the homewrecker hag)? Were you in contact with her in the last few weeks for some reason?

I find it hard to believe that out of the blue, after ending all contact with her, that you sent her that picture. It just does NOT add up to me.

You got busted for the picture, but are you hiding the fact that you have had other recent contacts with her your wife does not know about???

Edited by Stellakat (01/28/09 01:22 AM)


I asked him this on the 28th and he said NO and told me where to get off. Now we find out it was true. I am sure now he is having a PA+EA with her. He lies like a mattress. If he wanted another woman why not divorce his own wife FIRST?

So here is my latest attempt at a letter of no contact, which my wife has reviewed and suggested that I post. Comments and suggestions are solicited.

"Out of respect and love for my wife, I have decided we have to end our affair I have been extremely cruel and destructive to my wife and if I am to have any hope of saving my marriage I must never see or talk to you again for the rest of our lives. I realize more all the time how much I love my wife, and I do not want to lose her. I will leave you alone. Please do not call or contact me ever. I am committed to being completely honest with my wife and will report any attempts at contact immediately."

Regarding the polygraph, you may or may not already know that it did not go well. The polygraph indicated that I was lying about not having had sex with the OW. The polygrapher repeated the exam with a different set of questions and came up with the same result. And yet, although I know no one believes, that is the one aspect of the relationship about which I have been honest from day 1. There was no vaginal, oral, anal, or any other imaginable type of intercourse. I had already described to my wife the extent of our physical relationship. But of course my behavior has been so bad that she has no rational reason to believe me.

I am at a real loss here, and am willing to do whatever it takes to try to restore my marriage, if that is still achievable. I would appreciate more comments about the NC letter, and anything else helpful that anyone else can provide.

Chewie,

The important question is not what do YOU want to do, it is what does your WIFE want?

Can you answer that question?

It is the only one that really matters right now.

Your desires and wants and needs have come first for years and years and years. What does your wife want and need and desire?

figure out if she wants to stay married to you first,then go from there.

Chewie SHOULD do the RIGHT THING regardless of what Chrys wants...

If HE wants to RECOVER the marriage, HE needs to write and send a NC LETTER...and abide by it..not talking or seeing the OW again in his lifetime..

It has to be HIS DECISION...

I am sorry for what your marriage is going through. I had to ponder for awhile to come up with that sympathetic statement.

The NC is the emperor's robes right now, dude. I know you want to feel you are doing something proactive, but unless the OW has been hounding you, who cares about the fing NC.

Focus on ripping off the bandaid and coming clean with chyrs.....otherwise it is a death of a thousand cuts for both of you.

Mark

I appreciate your long and insightful posts. I don't respond to them rapidly because there is usually so much to digest.
I know that affairs are prevented by attitudes backed up by actions. I have to have an attitude that another affair is not an option, and then I have to have specific actions to take when I am tempted. Your example of how to react when an attractive woman becomes flirtatious. There was a time when I think I handled those well. In fact, one woman told me that it was like an iron wall went up in front of me when she asked personal questions. But somewhere along the way, I lost that. It took a lot of persuading by me first AP to get me to agree to that relationship. But once I had crossed that line, it felt like it was perfectly natural and ok to pursue another when the opportunity arose. And now I have spent 5 years hanging onto that destructive relationship at all costs. It may very well be that the only way I can protect myself and my family if I still have one) is to leave the area. That, unfortunately, will take some time - I have to give 90 days notice before I leave.
And once I have left, I will still have to rebuild the attitude that an affair is not an option. I have to rebuild the skill of putting up that iron wall when people try to get inapproriately close

I have come clean with Chrys. There are no more secrets, in spite of what the polygraph says. I have answered and will to continue to answer her questions when she asks. But I won't make up or change answers just to coincide with what a machine thinks I should say.
I understand that at this point Chrys has to decide what she wants to do. And no one including I would blame her if she decided she were through.
I am not waiting to send the NC letter until she makes that decision. That would be a real message that I was still hoping to get together with the AP once she left. However, before I send it I want to make sure Chrys thinks it says the right things and that I have adequate input from people who have been through this.

The NC is primarily SYMBOLIC..a PLEDGE of your commitment to your marriage. The main thing is to SEAL OFF FURTHER CONTACT once it is sent.

Be short and affirmative...to the point.. That's all that is really necessary. I love my wife..I never want to see you again..don't try to contact me and I won't ever be contacting you...IN MY LIFE...

I'm no polygrapher, but, I surmise that if you were truthful on several answers, and bombed the sex thangy with the "ethereal
skank, Ho, lowlife, who lusts after another's husband", ( pretty is as pretty does) I'm thinking you need to reach deep into your egotistical soul and let Chrys know the real truth. I wish MEDC was here to help us interpret. You may be an MD, a FACS, whatever
initials your cronies bestow upon you, but the most important ones are FART, and, son, you earned them, BIG TIME!! "You cannot
fix what you don't acknowledge", Dr Phil

QUIT DRIVING HER CRAZY!!!!! If you have to continue to lie to her, suck it up and cut her loose and let her be an "ethereal
beauty to a man who will really love her more than himself. GF

This would make a great sig line for someone.


This is such unmigated goal. You are backed into a corner due to your infidelity, agreeing to take a poly without confessing, dummy, and so now you are brazening out.

Rather that throw yourself at her feet like crying baby, you decide to claim innocence and suggest that maybe she should leave because she doesn't trust you. dOh, so Chrys is just a one of your harem, and she better got off the pot soon, or you are going to choose one of the other, more gullible mates who won't be so intrusive.

If I were Chrys I would take you for everything you got, pal, based on the affair, not on the poly fail, but on you arrogant demands tonite and trying to play NC as some sort of leveraging tool.

An NC letter doesn't mean diq in my experience.




Wow. What hardball bulls is this? I've been nice, but, forget it you are a diq.

Chewie-

I decided to give you my input as a BW on the NC letter. I have a couple of suggestions on some of the wording.



I would change this to "I am committed to recovering my marriage and will not have any contact with you of any kind for the rest of my life." This takes away the ambivialence of the words "and if I am to have any hope of saving my marriage..." which sounds like you are leaving a possibility of contact IF this doesn't work out.



I would change the order of this and make it a statement. "I will not call or contact you ever. Do not contact me."
This is more directive than "Please" which seems to be asking the OW to do this. It leaves open the possibility of "I didn't contact her, she contacted me."

Regardless of whether you think this is what those words mean, this is how I would read them as a BW.

Recovery is about doing whatever it takes. And that's the rub. Whatever it takes IS whatever.it.takes.

I am wondering if it is possible that somewhere in your rationalization that it wasn't a PA that you realize that intercourse (ie. penetration) isn't the only form of "sex". That's something we told our kids, that sex is kissing, fondling, physical contact for sexual gratification. It isn't just "doing it." As a doctor you must know the brain and body changes and reactions with physical stimulation. I learned this as a kid because my dad (a wonderful Christian doctor-retired now) made sure his kids knew that sex was more than just what one does that might cause a pregnancy.

Perhaps it isn't the defintion that is the problem. It's what happened between you and the OW that makes it "sex".

JMO

I don't want you to think I am picking on you, but for Heaven's sakes, we have all been with Chryss since this began!
we all feel her pain, and, now you have to add to it with new admissions! Give her all admissions, please. Let her heal. You have taken her back to her initial D-Day with this "secret email acct" If you really subscribe to the Hypocratic (sp) Oath, First, do no harm, then start with your own family, and STOP the bleeding there, first! GF

Chewie...

You have far more to lose by continuing to LIE...The truth is not only more kind and humane, but it is also the easier path...

No one here is fooled, not even for a second...

No grown man has a 5 year "EA"...Or a 5 year "fondling only" affair...You are not a high school boy...C'mon! Give us a break!

You will never recover your marriage as long as you continue to lie...

Mrs. W

Chewie,

I'm trying to figure out what to say right now. Frankly I'm pretty pissed off at the moment. I've been running in the same general circles as your wife for quite a while now and she was feeling so safe. She had no clue until she caught you over that stupid email last week.

To have continued contact with OW all the while putting on a show for your wife and everybody else to convince everyone that you were really committed to recovering your marriage shows total lack of compassion and empathy for your wife. It was the most selfish thing I have seen in quite a while.

I don't know if you have a marriage left to save or not at this point. Even if the polygraph is discounted there is enough reason for her to send you packing. Even if she cannot forgive you and sends you on your way you have a tremendous amount of fixing to do, within your self, for your wife, your family...

As for failing a section of the polygraph...

I could make a case for it being some sort of anomaly...

Except that you began setting things up to explain failing it back when a polygraph was first mentioned! So how do YOU explain it?

(Hint: Anything that begins with "Poor me..." will not be heard right now so don't go THERE.)

I have to say that for someone as smart as I know you really are, this is one of the dumbest things I have ever encountered.

Oh, and the prophet you mentioned was Hosea. He wasn't told to go retrieve his wife until she had reached total bottom. He basically bought her for half the price of a slave. She was only worth half of what a slave was worth...human life discounted 50%.

Also note that Hosea sent her away and she wandered alone for quite a number of years before he made any effort to bring her home. By then she was nothing but a half price hooker...

You had better pray that your wife can attempt recovery before you get to that point.

If I were you I'd also be praying that God would change my heart. Your old one clearly had something wrong with it. Unless he puts a new one in I don't see much hope.

After David had committed adultery with Bathsheba he wrote Psalm 51. David wrote
In the NIV verse 10 reads


Only a heart transplant will work now, Chewie.

And you wife's heart may never heal...

Mark

You didn't just lie to her all these weeks, you lied to US!!
I hope you have a belief in a higher power, and I hope
you have read Dante's Inferno The number 7 should be very important to you! It may or may not be real.....what if it is???

GF

You also lied to your son, Chewie. How can you explain that to him?

It's all black and white for him. There are no gray areas. How do you explain to him why you lied?

Mark

Chewie, it's been a cr@ppy day. You left the polyographer an came her and puked a mass of desperate, unsupported denials.

Let the board go, see if Chrys will let you sleep together, no sex, but try to rebuild that mutual feeling of care. In the AM find a final place, sit down in a quiet room and dump your guts.


Take care