Help! I married my long term boyfriend in Dec. 08. He has three children from a previous marriage and we all got along and were excellent before the wedding. His attitude comepletly changed after the wedding, and so did the kids. They do not mind me, or do anything I ask of them. THe oldest is the best one, but the younger two are driving us apart. I want out. I have asked to go to our minister, who gave us premarital counseling, and we really enjoyed it and got a lot out of it. He will not go and I want a divorce. I want there to be another option, but I feel like the only one trying

I am 32, he is 33 and our kids are 13(b), 8(b) and 3 (d)

Hey Just, sorry to hear things are not going so well. I have to say that I think it is a bit premature for you to be ready to just throw in the towel and say enough already. It has only been 2 months after all. There are a couple of different saying that I have learned on my journey that I think you should hear.

1. You can ONLY control YOU. Nobody else. This means that you need to except that his children are not going to listen to you (and why should they, you are NOT their parent). It is HIS responsiblity to disipline them. Anything you do in this department will be seen as controlling and it will cause a wedge in your relationship with your H. Be their friend...nothing else. Voice your opinion to your H, but no one else in his family. The sooner you come to accept this, the more peaceful things will be with his kids.

2. Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it. Think about that. You have a choice on how you react to his children and to him. Here is an example of what I am talking about. Lets suppose that it is his weekend to have the kids. You decide to make a lovely dinner for the children as a peace offering. You research how to make a wonderful chinese dish that you think they will love. You spend all morning at the grocery store buying just the right ingredients, then all afternoon preparing the meal. Twenty minutes before they walk in the door your H informs you that the kids dont like chinese food. How do you think you would react to them when you served that meal? YOu would have a preconcieved notion that they are not going to like it any so what difference does it make. You might even be a bit irratated with them because now you feel they are not even going to appriciate the effort you went through to fix this fine meal.

Now suppose that your H never said anything to you. How would you react then? You would probably be excited to share this wonderful meal that you worked so hard on and even if they didnt like it you might be a bit more forgiving than if you had a preconcieved notion of their attitude. Here is the thing, nothing changed in either situation except your thoughts. You were the one deciding how to treat the children based on what you thought was reality. Change your thoughts and shortly there after your reality will change as well. It just like the grumpy old guy saying everyone is worthless. Of course everyone is because no one wants to be around that grouchy old man. Now, if he were that cudly nice old guy instead, he would be saying how lovely life is. See how our perceptions paint our view of the world.

Step back and try and change your perceptions. There is a book I think you should read. I truly think it might help you a bit. It is call "Loving What IS" by Byron Katie. If you go to youtube you can search for her as well and get the jest of "the work" she talks about in her book. Hopefully it will open you eyes to a different way of thinking.

Just, I am not trying to be harsh here or make you feel bad...I just want to tell you the truth as I see it. You are giving up way to quickly. Marriage takes work and commitment. You have not earned the right to walk away. It seems that the first snag you hit you are ready to give up. What does that say about the kind of person you are? What if the tables where turned and you truly needed your H (like, hmm, I dont know....lets say you had cancer), how would you feel if he walked away from you? You entered into an agreement with him that you would love him always and when things started to go wrong then you would do whatever it took to fix them. He says he doesnt want to go to MC right now.....how about you go to IC instead for awhile and then work with your therapist on finding a way to bring him into the fold. Heck, you might even find that alot of the problems you feel are there in the R really are not problems, they are just things that were bothing you but you have learned to let the small stuff go.

Hope you dont take my post as too much of a lashing...it was written with me trying to help save your R. Nothing you posted was enough to truly throw away a M over. Everything you posted is fixable, but only if you try and fix it. Hope you come back and post some more.

Well, the first thing I would do is ask him why. WHY did I no longer wake up to the man I thought I was marrying? As him to tell you the truth; tell him you're wondering if he just married you so his kids would have a mother and you'd like an honest answer.